Green Eyes, Golden Heart
by Elenhin
Summary: James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. This is my longer story. For two former friends, it seems that nothing will ever be easy.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

_**Chapter 1 A Traitor**_

_If you had remembered anything of what we were for each other, then you would never have become a traitor. _

What now? This had to be one of the first times in his life that he had no idea. He was alone in the small cell. There had been no food and no water. He felt faint and dizzy with hunger and thirst. His whole body ached. It was cold and he shivered, yet he felt stifled and hot. Before all the pain had been suppressed by adrenalin, now he suffered.

He was also afraid. Not that he would ever admit that. He had his back pressed against the wall, huddled in the corner. His injured arm pressed to his body, and the other arm wrapped around his knee. The other leg was stretched out before him as the pain was to great for him to bend it. It had wrenched quite badly when James had grabbed his ankle. James had pulled him up, and made him jump to grab onto the helicopter. He had hung there, but he had been unable to hang on long enough. While they were still rather high in the air he had lost his grip and fallen to the ground. That had done further damage to his leg.

James had gone to him while he was still lying panting on the ground, and had knocked him out with a swift blow to the back of his head. The next thing that he was aware of was being thrown into the cell, and now he waited.

It became harder and harder to focus his thoughts, and he was dimly aware that he was about to lose his grip of consciousness. Then the door opened.

The cell was dim and the corridor outside brightly lit, so at first he could not see anything. Then he could see the shape of a man outlined in the light, the twin shape, he had to be seeing double, and he was fairly certain that that was a bad thing.

"Traitorous scum."

Alec looked up at him, he knew him, it was only so hard to remember when his head was spinning.

"James." His voice was a horse croak. Instinctively pleading for aid even while his brain strove to remember.

"Your grand scheme failed. Have you no witty remark?" James sneered at him.

"Water." He gasped, and then coughed. "Please James."

"Why should I bring water to a traitor? You are a traitor Alec. The worst kind. The lowest scum."

The few words he had had uttered tore at his throat, and he could not help but moan even if it hurt his throat even more. "Please James." He tried to curl up tighter, tried to protect himself.

"You are a traitor Alec." James left and a small whimper escaped Alec as he was alone once more.

* * *

James stood in the doorway of the cell, looking at the form huddled in the corner. Alec looked so pitiful, pale and with a sheen of cold sweet on his face. He was muttering deliriously and moaning while he tossed fitfully. Yet James could not feel any pity for him. He felt anger and spite. He loathed what he saw before him. Not even for one of his oldest friends could he find pity enough to bring him water, not after what he had done.

Alec had betrayed England, and even worse he had betrayed James.

James was not about to forgive him for that. If it had not been for the order to bring him back alive, James would have allowed him to fall to his death.

Now he closed the cell door, so that he would no longer have to look at his former friend.

* * *

Everyone had said that they were inseparable, James and Alec. It was also said that as long as they were together they could not be defeated. Too good and too smart to be caught, too witty to be taken by surprise. They had been called the best, they had been the best.

* * *

"You should go in there." Double-oh-three said calmly to James. They were standing outside a door, peering through the glass window in it.

Inside in the room, laying prone on the bed was Alec. He had now been given medical attention and he would survive. Alec would live. Now he looked to be asleep.

"Why?" He was not sure why he even was outside the door.

"It's Alec." Double-oh-three sighed. "What do you think he would do if it were you?"

"He's a traitor, and he tried to kill me." James spat.

"He was your friend James." Double-oh-three looked in on the sleeping form in the bed. Whatever had occurred it was still Alec in there. Their Alec, that had to mean something, that should mean something.

"He does not seem to remember that." James sneered.

"Maybe he does not." Double-oh-three looked very sad. "Do you remember it James?" He took out a thick envelope. "Go in there James. He is asleep, he shall not know. Do it for me if not for him. And look through this, if he _ever_ was your friend." Double-oh-three handed him the envelope and left.

To his surprise James found himself obeying. He sank down on the chair beside the bed, he was doing this for Double-oh-three, not for Alec.

The envelope contained photographs and folded sheets of paper.

The first photo was of him and Alec. Both of them dressed up in snugly fitting dinner jackets. He and Alec when they were young. Before they had even been on their first really dangerous assignment. Alec was one big smile, his green eyes sparkling playfully. That was the Alec he remembered.

The next photo, Alec and he after that first dangerous assignment, bruised and scraped but still grinning. The next one, Alec on a fancy dinner, with a beautiful woman on his arm. One he had managed to pick up while gathering information.

He and Alec with their faces so black with soot that one could hardly tell their features. One of Q's explosive charges had gone of to early. It had still done the job though, and they were smiling as they always appeared to be. Alec's green eyes sparkled a sharp contrast to the black soot as he brushed an imagined fleck of dust from James ruined suit. At the same time James was straightening Alec's tie, no matter that the suit was torn with big gashes, and as black with soot as every inch of exposed skin.

Alec and he holding on to each other because they were laughing too hard to stand straight on their own. Photos taken after missions when they both looked worse for wear.

Alec, when James had come so near to losing him that his chest still tightened to think about it. When he had dragged Alec out, more dead than alive. The bullet alone had not caused all the damage, but the impact of it had caused him to fall sixty feet, and that had done some real damage. Even in the photo he looked so very pale, even if he was smiling as he was finally allowed out of bed again.

Every time they had risked their lives they had known that there was a chance that they would die, but they had always thought that they would die together.

Then he had truly believed that he had lost Alec, and then Alec had betrayed James.

He looked at the Alec on the photo, the one taken when they had just met. So young and inexperienced, and not a little naïve. When had he changed into a traitor.

He unfolded the papers, various documents about their assignments. Here was evidence of everything that they had been through together, and for what.

"Why did we do it?" He murmured, not fully aware that he had voiced the question out loud before there was an answer to his last few words.

"For England, James. For England I think." The voice was hoarse and weak, but it was Alec. James head snapped around to glare at him. His eyes were open now, and James had no idea of how long he had been awake.

"But you never did anything for England Alec, it was always for yourself. You are a traitor Alec."

"It seems that way." Alec nodded. "I am sorry for that James."

"It's not enough Alec." James sneered

"It is all I have." Alec looked sad, like a small and lost child. Turning his head away from James, as if he could no longer face him, Alec turned his head to the photos James had been looking through. He reached out a shaky hand to pick one of them up. The one where they were covered in soot.

"I feel as if I should remember this." He mumbled softly, barely loud enough for James to hear. "Like if it was important in some way."

James snatched the photo from his weak grip. "What could be important to you? If you had remembered anything of what we were for each other, then you would never have become a traitor."

"You are right James. If I had remembered that I would never have been a traitor. I wish I could remember." He looked hurt and vulnerable, and James hated him for it.

"It is too late Alec." He sneered, then he grabbed the photos and the papers and left. He did not want to see Alec anymore, did not want to see him looking like a small and terrified child. If he did he might feel sympathy for him.

He retreated to his office. He was furious at Double-oh-three for tricking him to see Alec, he should never have gone in there.

He threw the envelope down on the desk. One photo fell out, it lay there on the desk and his eyes was drawn towards it.

Alec, but an image of him that James had never seen before. How old could he be, no more than three or four, but he looked so very small. The shirt he wore hung loosely on him, as if it were much too big. The sleeves were rolled up and there were angry red scratches covering his hands. His face was so thin that he looked malnourished, and was that a nametag that hung from a string around his neck. The thin face had the same angry red scratches as his hands.

This was a photo of the little Alec who had just been orphaned. The nametag was there for the benefit of the orphanage. James had never seen any photo of Alec as a child before, there were never many photos of orphans, but there were this one. Taken just after he had been found. Just as he was about to be delivered to the orphanage.

Before, in that room he had thought that Alec looked like a small lost boy, now he knew what Alec had looked like when he was a small lost boy.

He stared at the photo, unable to look away.

"I thought that should rattle you." His head snapped up and he stared at Double-oh-three.

"How was he?" Double-oh-three then asked.

"He's a traitor and I have talked with him. I will do no more." James slapped down the photo onto his desk.

"Actually he is also a victim." Double-oh-three took a seat on a chair and offered James a sad smile. "Are you prepared to listen to me now James?"

James glanced at the photo of the child, and nodded.

"Alec was captured." Double-oh-three began. "He did not plan to go over to the enemy, he just became a pawn in the game, a game which he could not remember the rules of." He took out another envelope. "Read this James. It is the complete report. The reason that you were asked to bring Alec back alive. Read it before you judge him." With those words Double-oh-three stood again. "I shall go to him now, for he must be in need of a friend."

James picked up the report. He found it hard to believe that there was anything in it that could change his mind concerning Alec. There were no excuse for traitors, could there even be traitors who were unaware of what they had become?

According to the report there was. James had seen the gun go off, had seen Alec crumble to the ground. Only the bullet had just clipped him on the side of his head. They had dragged him out, intending to take revenge on him, and when he had awoken they had discovered something.

The bullet had done damage. Alec could not remember anything. He was suffering from severe amnesia. Working very slowly they had begun plotting on another revenge. Using one of England's most loyal servants against his beloved country.

Slowly a few memories came back to him, and when he questioned them about those they told him about his parents. Telling him that he had defected to take his revenge for them.

The report stated that even now there were large gaps in his memories. He could recall little of the years before his capture, and he no longer dared to trust what he was told. Terrified of being told lies.

James rubbed a hand over his eyes. He could still not forgive, but he could understand a little more.

It appeared as if Double-oh-three had left again, for Alec was alone in the room. He lay looking at the ceiling, and his fingers absently picking at the bed sheets. James dropped the photo of the two soot covered friends on the sheet.

"We had used one of Q's explosives, only it went off much too early. And we were due to report. We were joking about looking smart and proper, and how important that was. As if it really did matter whether the tie was straight or not when the suits were utterly ruined, and we were covered in soot." He was looking at the photo instead of Alec. There was no reason for him to be telling Alec this. He still wanted nothing more to do with Alec.

"Q's explosives." Alec said the word carefully, as if he were tasting it. "All those gadgets." He picked up the photo again and looked at it. He could almost recall it now. It was hard to be sure, but he remembered something that fitted with what James had just told him.

"Thank you James." He said quietly.

"This changes nothing Alec." James turned and left, leaving the photo with Alec. He knew that some things had changed. Because Alec had been a victim as well.

When James had left Alec looked at the photo again. To him it was evidence that he had once had friends. Double-oh-three had been there to speak with him, and he had been friendly. He had actually been kind to him. He did not seem to be holding any grudges against Alec, but Alec did not feel as though he knew him, and that made him feel uncomfortable. Why should Double-oh-three be so kind and understanding to him?

Most of the time he was alone. The medical staff only came to check on him, and at meal times. They left him alone to eat thought, something he was grateful for. He had never liked to display any weakness. Perhaps it was childish, but when he was alone he could close his eyes and try to shut out the world. Try to forget about what had happened. That was what he did now.

Double-oh-three had brought him a book to read, as well as some other smaller items that he thought Alec could have use of. The book was a good distraction, even if he did not care too much about reading normally. It was too slow for his taste. Now he had little else to do while he waited to heal, and waited to find out what they would do with him. His guess would be the nastiest prison that they could find. What he could not understand was why he was not already there. What were they waiting for?

Eventually it became clear that no one knew what to do with Alec. He was a very difficult problem. He had never been a traitor out of his own free will, so they were not willing to put him in prison. They had never done that to any other agent who had been captured. It was clear to everyone that Alec was shocked by what he had been tricked to do. So there was no one willing to condemn him for it.

There was also the fact that he had been one of the best agents, and had served with a loyalty that should not be forgotten. Not unless they wanted to be as cruel as the enemy. That still left the problem of what to do with him. They could not have him return as an active agent. Maybe sometime in the future, but that was so far away that there was no use to be thinking about it.

M decided that she should speak with him and find out what he wanted to do now. If they could arrange it, she was willing to pay heed to his wish. She had never known him before his capture, but she had learnt of him from others. All of them who had spoken very highly of the young talented agent. The only one who seemed to dislike Alec now was James, and that was entirely for personal reasons. She had asked about Bond's attitude towards life, and Alec had been the answer she was given.

Many said that James Bond blamed himself for his partner, and that he had no desire to live without him because of that. They said he wanted revenge. It was clear that everyone who remembered Alec Trevelyan did so fondly. If that would change with the rumours that he was a traitor she could not know.

Alec did not know what he wanted. He told M that he would submit willingly to any punishment they saw as fit.

"I think that you have been punished already Alec," M said slowly. "You still can not remember everything. You were captured and you were used, and you have suffered for it. Tell me Alec, could you have done anything to avoid being captured?"

He shook his head ruefully. "No, it was a trap, they wanted us to get in, they wanted us to reach a certain point, and then they were going to take the both of us." He smiled sadly. "They got me, but James was too good, he is the best, and they forgot about that."

"And you are not angry at James for leaving you there?" This was the important thing. If Alec harboured any anger to James for having been left behind they could not keep him near James. Had James not left him they would never have gotten Alec.

"No, he believed I was dead. He saw them shoot me. He could not know that I did not die." Alec rubbed a tiered hand over his eyes. "James did everything right. It was I who was the failure. Not good enough to pull off the mission, and then I allowed myself to be tricked by lies."

"You could not know that it was lies." M told him.

"I was trained to be an agent, I should have been able to tell that they lied. Instead I was pulled in and allowed them to turn me into becoming what I had always fought against. I failed utterly and James would have done well to kill me when he had the chance." Alec's voice was void of any emotion.

"We wanted you back alive Alec, because we found out that you were tricked." This was difficult, Alec took all the blame on himself. Something that spoke highly of his character, but it also made it more difficult to help him. M believed that Alec deserved another chance.

"We'll assign you quarters here Alec. You should not leave this base, but you may move around more or less as you want. We shall also see if we can find you something to do that you feel comfortable with." She tried not to sound to stern.

"Are you going to allow me to walk around on my own?" He asked, and for the first time there was an emotion in his voice. There was surprise there.

"I see no reason why not Alec. I do not think that you are a risk. I think that you were a victim, and that you blame yourself more than you should. I would like to give you the chance to become at ease with yourself again."

"James will not like it, he is your best agent, you should not go against his wish." Alec was still looking a slight bit confused.

"James should grow up a bit. I am not going to lock you into a cell Alec. I know that James did that. I know that he also denied you food and water because he was harbouring petty jealousy, he has no room to talk in this."

M had been furious to hear of that part of it. Alec had been in bad shape when he was brought in because of it. Half starved and badly dehydrated. His injuries had not been taken care of. He had been delirious because of the neglect, and that was not how M had said he should be treated. Alec had just called James their best agent, well Alec had been the best as well, and that was something James should keep in mind a little more often.

"James had every right to do what he did. It was all my fault, and considering what I did to him, I would not blame him if he did kill me."

"I would Alec, and so would a lot of other people here." M said firmly. "Do you believe in giving people second chances Alec."

"I've meet people who have deserved a second chance." Alec nodded slowly.

"I believe that you deserve one." M said. "You were one of our best agents according to the record. Considering what you did for us, you deserve a second chance."

"What if I should fail?" Alec tried. "Would it not be better to stick me in some prison rather than to risk that?"

"Some would say that." M nodded slowly. "I know a few who would suggest it. But I am not going to do that. It would be cruel, and I do not think you will fail. You have friends Alec, people who would be more than willing to help you. They will not allow you to fail."

* * *

So there Alec was, with no idea of what he should do. He could get around now, he limped badly, but not so badly he could not walk. He just did not have anywhere to go to. He recalled a few places, and could find his way there with a few wrong turns, but why should he go there? Who would want to see him coming around the corner?

He had been assigned to a small room in an out of the way corner. A place where he would not be bothered, where no one would have to bother about him. It was small with only a few pieces of furniture. The walls were a yellow cream colour, the one that could be found in any kind of official building. It did not bother Alec. It was a lot better than the cell, and he had lived in worse places.

He could only remember a few things from the orphanage where he had grown up, but he could not recall it as a place of luxuries. One of the few things he could remember from that place was a woman who lived near with her husband. She had four grown children that had already married and moved away, and she missed them.

So sometimes she would come to the orphanage with a few cookies she had baked. Alec remembered her for one reason in particular. Once when he had been eight or so he had been ill, and she had stayed with him for some time to keep him company. She had told him a story, and it had made him feel better.

M had told him that they would give him therapy for his memory, so that he would be able to remember more. He supposed that would be a good thing. Only being able to remember the bad things you had done wore on you. It would be nice to remember one or two of the good things you did as well.

This is the end of chapter one, I will respond to all signed reviews with the new feature. Thank you, all of you for reading.


	2. Hammer, Or Wrench?

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

Chapter 2 _**Hammer, Or Wrench?**_

He stayed in the assigned room for several days. Only leaving it for those memory therapy sessions, and at meal times. Then after some time even Alec became too bored with staring at the wall and decided to wander around for a bit.

They had actually suggested it to him, claiming that familiar surroundings might jolt his memory. It worked in an odd sort of way. He could start down a corridor that he had no idea where it went, and then suddenly he would know what lay around the corner.

Like now, he stood in front of a door, if he went through it he would be in Q's domains. He was not sure whether he was allowed there or not. Out of what he recalled he and Q had gotten along well, but there was that thing with security.

He decided that he should go in and find out whether Q was one of those who now hated him or not. He pushed open the door.

That was good, he saw Q and he recognized him.

"Alec, I was beginning to fear you would not find your way down here." Q said cheerfully. "I have not seen you for far too long."

"Most would have preferred never seeing me again." Alec said ruefully.

"Never mind about them Alec." Q came over to him. "You were a good lad, James is only jealous because you could bring the equipment back in one piece, and he could never do that."

"James would never have to be jealous of anything I did." Alec said thoughtfully.

"James is not perfect." Q shook his head. "Are you aware that he has yet to bring back things in working order. Something you never seemed to have a problem with."

"I can't remember that." Alec said ruefully. "I remember that we used to tease each others about wrecking things. But I do not remember if we wrecked them, both of us."

"You were much kinder to the equipment that James ever was." Q said reassuringly. "You wrecked a few things of what I gave you, but never as much as James did." Then Q turned more serious. "I am glad you are back Alec. I missed you a great deal."

"You missed me." Alec had not expected to hear that.

"Yes, you Alec." Q stated in that rough way of his. "You were a nice lad, we got along fine. Is it so hard to believe that there were people who liked you, who are glad to see you are back. Everyone is not like James." Q caught Alec's eye with his own. "Don't let James get to you Alec. I'm not about to look down on you just because you had the bad luck to be caught, even the best can be caught Alec."

"It is more about what I did." Alec said slowly. "There is no excuse for that."

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Q told him. "What you need is something to do to keep you occupied. You think too much Alec, and it does you no good."

"I'm afraid that I do not know of anything I could do." Alec shrugged.

"But I do, I can use another pair of hands here, especially since you are actually a sensible lad who is not all thumbs. Are you willing to give me a hand Alec?" Q looked at him eagerly.

"Would I not be a security risk?" Alec objected. "I do not think anyone would trust it if I had been anywhere near it."

"I would vouch for it Alec." Q offered. "And you would not be alone so no one can say anything. I would be glad for your company here."

It was something that he could do, so he nodded his agreement. He knew how to use a wrench and a screwdriver and that was what he was put to doing. As well as cutting of needed lengths of wire. Nothing where anyone could claim he had been sabotaging anything.

A few times someone else entered and those times Alec hung back slightly. He was not ready to face them, he did not know what their reaction would be like.

Q noticed it, and sighed deeply as he saw Alec shy away into a far corner. People who had known Alec should know that there would have had to have been something wrong for him to do what he had done. He assumed that it was easier to judge Alec than to accept that Alec had not known what was going on.

What a man was came mostly from that man's memories, Alec had suffered severe amnesia, he still suffered amnesia, Alec had not known who he was. Was it so difficult to understand that he had latched onto the only ones near who said they knew him?

Q could only imagine the horrors of not being able to remember anything, not your own name, not anything you had ever experienced. He doubted that James would have handled it any better. Alec had been bright and intelligent, if he had not been able to detect their falseness, then James would not have been able to either.

The way Q saw it the James main fault was that he believed he was invincible, or rather that there was no one better than he was. He also set it as a standard, and no one was allowed to fall short of that.

Part of the problem now was that Alec had fallen short, because he had been fooled. The other part of it was that it was because of a mistake of James. He had believed that Alec was dead and had left him. If he had dragged Alec out, then he would have been with friends when the amnesia was discovered.

James could not accept that it was his mistake, and so he blamed Alec for it. That was at least the way Q saw it.

There had not been any failure, there had been no way for James to know that Alec was alive, and no way for Alec to know that they were lying to him, and now both men suffered needlessly.

The only thing they had in common for the moment was that both men blamed Alec, and according to Q, Alec was the one who was fully the victim, the one who had suffered the most in the whole ordeal.

He looked over to where Alec was cutting lengths of wires, measuring the right length on them down to the milometer.

Alec was one agent who had always been careful with the equipment he was given. He never took any unnecessary risks with it. Oh, he had returned his share of wrecks, but not like James. Alec pressed to the limit, but he could handle it.

It was later that Alec handed the screwdriver back to Q with a rueful smile. He looked slightly uncomfortable, as if he was unsure about what he should do.

"Your welcome to come down here whenever you want Alec." Q told him reassuringly.

"I'm not sure the others are comfortable with me here." He said quietly.

Q sighed. "I am perfectly comfortable with you here Alec, and I am the one in charge here."

Alec just shrugged.

"I mean it Alec, you are always welcomed here. And if a certain thick headed agent has a problem with that we shall just have to discuss a few things. I will not have you all alone because he has a childish tantrum."

Even Alec had to smile over the description James was given. If James had heard that he would have thrown a tantrum, he was certain of that.

"You can't deny it though, for the moment you need James far more than you need me. You do not need me at all, I am still grateful for the offer though. I really am."

Alec left to get back to the small room. He was lost in thoughts, wondering how many who hated him, and how many who thought like Q. It was not a cheerful thought, for he kept imagine that they all hated him. It was a horrible thought to someone who had no other home, had never had another life.

He had started his training as soon as he had graduated from school. He had never lived a normal life. First the orphanage, and then the government had paid for his education, you can not appear to be a normal student when the government pays for your education. Other kids find out, and they wonder about it, and then you are an outsider.

James had been his first and his only friend. It was James who had finally jolted his memories, it was a shame though that it had not jolted them fast enough. Now James hated him to the point of wanting him dead, and without the only friend he had ever had. To be able to remember what he had had, and knowing he would never have it again. Then Alec was not sure if he really wanted to live.

He stretched out on the bed, his leg throbbed since he had been on his feet for so long. He should go and get himself supper, but he did not feel up to it. When he entered everything always became quiet, he had taken to go there and eat during the hours when it was almost empty, but still, there was always someone there, he was not all that hungry anyways.

Needing to keep himself from thinking he took the book again to read, he finished it, and because he had nothing else began reading at the beginning again. He really needed to get something more to read. Something that really took all his concentration. Something that did not allow his mind to wander like it did now.

With a sigh he gave up, the book was not enough to keep him from thinking. He might as well surrender as try to fight it.

Alec had never felt this way before, wavering on the brink to self pity, not even when he had lost his memories. It had been a torment, and he had cursed it more than once, but he had never felt sorry for himself. Instead he had strove to adapt to the situation. What could not be changed must be borne. So he had sought to get along as well as he could without those memories.

Instead he had fought to keep the loss of them from hindering him. Perhaps that was the problem now, he had nothing to fight for, no goal to reach. For the first time in his life there was nothing he had to succeed with.

No battle to get himself out of the orphanage and into a school like every other normal kid. No struggle to prove that he was just as good as his classmates, even if there was not family to come and watch his accomplishments. It had been a bordering school, and since he had no family and no home he had been granted permission to live there even over the holidays.

A few others whose family's lived to far away also had the same arrangement, but you felt very alone around Christmas when you did not go home, and you got no greeting from anyone. When all the others was talking about what gifts they had received, and he had no family to send him any gift.

They always avoided to speak with him around that time. No one approached him, and no one really wanted to talk with him. You felt very much alone then.

Like he felt now, all alone in a large and frightened world, but then he had been fighting against it. He had been trying to prove that he did not need any family to do what they did, and he had succeeded. He had excelled over almost all of them.

He had been good enough to become an agent.

So what was the difference now, what was it that made the difference. The fact that he could not remember everything, certainly, but what else?

James opinion of him.

That was what made him feel so pitiful, but how to change that opinion. James despised him with reason, was there a way to have James looking at him again, without all that hatred in his eyes?

Maybe if he proved that he was willing to do everything in his power to repent what evil he had done. He was not certain, it was hard to be certain when James was concerned.

Yet he had to try, for James sake, and for his own. He could not live long if he hated himself as much as James did.

He had made the mistake, now it was up to him to set things right.

Again he had something to fight for. He would fight to regain his honour, and hopefully in the end James would accept him again as well.

* * *

"You wanted to speak with me Alec." M thought that there was a difference to Alec's appearance now. He no longer appeared so brow beaten and uncertain. He held himself straighter, and his eyes did not shy away from her like they had done before.

Instead he met her eye with a calm security, this then was some resemblance to what he had been before. She could see faint traces of the proud agent he had once been.

Not as cocky as James was, this was a calmer version, one who had never needed to impose himself and his own skills at someone. She had been told that the two of them had been impossible with women, and she could see what had been Alec's attraction to them.

"Yes, you asked before what I wanted to do, I think that I know that now." He stood calmly in front of her, and yet with the new confidence he displayed there was also respect for her there, and that was something that James lacked. He seemed unable of those subtle hints of respect.

"What do you want then Trevelyan?" She asked, silently rejoicing that one who had been such a valuable asset in the past had not been broken forever.

"I do not know if I can, and I do not know if I will ever be allowed to, but I want to fight back." He stated calmly. "I want to help make certain that no other agent has to endure what I did. I want to make sure that those who did it to me are never again in a position to do it to anyone else. And I want to fight back so that I can once more live with myself without despising me for what I did." There was a sadness in his eyes as he spoke. Something in his voice that closely resembled despair. Yet nothing of it showed in his posture.

"You want revenge?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Revenge would be a meaningless desire. Most of them are dead and so beyond revenge. And even if not I would not regain anything of what I lost by vengeance. But there are others that would repeat their actions. I want to make sure that they never get the chance to." He sighed and hesitated. "I want to regain my honour, but after what I did I doubt that it can be done. But if I can help and make sure that one other agent has never to be used in the same way, if I can help make certain that some one else is safe, then maybe I can repent enough of my crimes to live with myself."

"Repent would not be as hard as you think Trevelyan, and maybe you will be able to see that later. That the worst crime was not what you did, but what was done to you. Until then I will try to grant your wish."

M gave it some serious thought. Where would Alec Trevelyan be most useful, and he would need to feel useful at the same time.

"You want to keep others safe, would you then be willing to help with the training of new Agents?" She asked. "You were one of our best which means you were very skilled, and you have had much experience. If you could share some of that with the young students, then maybe that will help them."

"Can I be trusted with the training of agents?" Alec asked, and now the uncertainty he felt showed in his eyes. There was a haunting look in them that had not been there before.

"I see no problem with it Trevelyan." She told him. This was very different from dealing with Bond, there was no challenge to her commands, there were the doubt of his ability to comply, but she was M, and he trusted her to know what her job meant. "As I said you have many useful skills, and you want to repent. I might find other things for you to do as well. Maybe eventually something where you can regain more of your honour directly, but until then this is the best thing I think."

Alec nodded. "I am very grateful for the chance." He said. "I had expected to be either executed or locked away in a prison."

"That would have been a waste." M stated. "And I try hard not to waste what might be useful. Regain your self respect Trevelyan, when you have done that you shall see that such a fate does not sound as tempting anymore."

"It sounded tempting before. But I would much rather fight back." Alec braved a small smile. "I failed once, and I will do my best not to fail again. I am grateful for the chance to try again." Alec left the office, he was to be allowed to fight again. Not as he had done before, but at least he would be fighting back.

He would be helping to shape the agents into the weapons that would be pointed at such men as those who had captured him, and it would be a pleasure to see those weapons destroy their targets.

Alec was not really involved in any physical training, not himself, he was not healed enough for that yet. To his great surprise the students he helped training did not scorn him. They were sensible enough to understand that it had not been his own choice, that he had been manipulated, and they did not blame him for that.

* * *

It also helped with his memory, for he could now recall a few things from his own training, not much, but sometimes enough to pass on an advice he himself had gotten.

"They will be using all they can against you." He told the young men. "Those fellows are a threat to human kind and our entire civilization. Do not think they will stop at any means to get rid of you. Someone who can aim a weapon to strike an entire country, will not hesitate to shoot you."

He looked at them so young and naïve. They would all learn how cruel the world could be, and when they went out to learn he wanted them to be prepared.

"We could tell you that to defeat evil, you have to be more evil, but you can not defeat evil with evil." He shook his head. "Because then you will be no better than them. You have to be better, smarter, that is the only way you can win."

It was strange, when it was clear that not one of the young men despised him, he even felt better himself. It was as if their forgiveness made it easier for him to forgive himself.

He still went to eat at odd hours though, for when he entered all the other agents still quieted.

He sat alone at one of the tables in the far of corner of the room when a very distinctive shadow fell over the table.

He did not look up, he recognized that shadow. The owner and he had once been as close to each other as their own shadows. He did not look up, he still could not meet that blue gaze.

"What are you doing Alec?" James Bond demanded.

"James." Alec mumbled, he had avoided James, and James had avoided him. James out of despise and hatred, Alec out of shame.

"Answer me." James demanded harshly.

Before Alec would have quipped that he was eating, but he actually feared what James would do with him if he did that. Besides it did not feel like that kind of humour was an option anymore. They were too far apart for that.

"I'm trying to set some things to right again." He murmured without looking up.

"More like trying to turn the new recruits around." James sneered. "You should never be allowed near them, Alec. We do not need any of them to go changing sides."

"I am trying to set things right again James." Alec pleaded. "I am trying to help them to avoid my fate, I am trying to repay my debt."

"You can't Alec. You can never make things right after what you did." James said in half sneered, and a slight sparkle of Alec's old temper flared up.

They had had their arguments in the past, quite a few of them, for both of them could be hot tempered, and sometimes one or the other took a joke too far. There had been quite a few arguments indeed, quite a few times in hand to hand combat practise where both had tried to land a hard punch on the other as a result of an argument, but they had always wound up laughing together over a pint of ale.

Now Alec's green eyes snapped up to sneer in James.

"What do you want me to do then. It might not be enough, I can never do enough. Shall I not even try? Shall I allow them to defeat me there as well? You do not trust me James, I know that. I hate myself for what I did, but will you please let me try to set right what little I can."

James seemed slightly taken aback by the spark Alec suddenly showed.

"You should not be allowed near the new recruits." He said as if he could think of nothing else to say. "No traitor should be."

Alec turned his eyes to the table again. "I still do not remember much James, there are many years, and I can recall nothing of them, I can however recall one thing from our own training. We were trained by one like me, James. One agent who had gone over to the enemy for some time, and then went back again. He was trusted to train us, he told us of the lures that would make such an act seem right."

He drew in a deep breath.

"You never loathed him James, you never hated him. Do you hate me because I was tricked into betraying England, or because I was tricked into betraying you." He looked up again, just raised his eyes slightly while his head still hung, he looked up enough to see James back as he stalked away. Leaving Alec alone behind.

Alec sighed tiredly. So Q was right, it was not the fact that he had been a traitor per se that James hated him for, it was because at the same time he had betrayed their friendship. He was not sure if the damage could ever be repaired, but maybe he could show James that he truly was not a traitor at heart.

Maybe he could prove it to himself at the same time.

* * *

Alec worked himself hard to try and set just a few things right again.

He worked with the young candidates that wanted to become agents, he helped Q at times. Even if that was mostly for the company that Q offered. He always greeted Alec with a kind word when he came.

For the moment Alec was seated on a barrel and handing Q the tools he asked for. Most of Q was hidden in the inmate of something that Alec was not in fact quite sure what it was, but every now and again a hand came out as Q would grunt 'wrench,' or 'screw driver.' Then Alec would place the requested tool in the hand and then sink back into his brooding.

"Alec." Q sighed as he straightened.

Alec was not even sure of when he had crawled out again. He blinked and wondered why the other man looked so serious.

"What is wrong Alec?" Q asked while looking Alec's gaze.

"Huh." Alec tried to think of a way out of responding.

"You are miles of Alec." Q stated. "I asked you for a wrench."

Alec tried not to look guilty, had he been so caught up in his own thoughts that he had forgotten to hand him the tool?

"This is not a wrench Alec." Q held up a hammer in front of him.

"New kind of wrench." Alec tried in vain with a smile. Q chuckled at the response, but he was not distracted enough to forget that Alec had handed him the wrong tool.

"And here I claimed that you were not all thumbs, and then you can not tell the difference between a hammer and a wrench." Q grinned teasingly at him. "Now, if you please, what is wrong, that you can not even concentrate enough to know what a wrench looks like."

"Nothing's wrong." Alec shook his head and by doing so evaded Q's eye. "Unless you meant something so trivial as the fact that I am a traitor."

"I thought that we had settled that." Q sighed. "It was not your fault Alec. Not even James would have held out any better, despite what he thinks. Now would you stop blaming yourself for all the evil in the world."

"I am responsible for a good part of that evil." Alec pointed out.

Q sighed and laid down the wrench, or the hammer. "Alec answer me this. If a robber aims a gun at a man, and the man ducks just as he pulls the trigger to shoot him. Across the street in another apartment another man is standing in his bedroom. The bullet goes over the street, in through the window and kills the second man. Who is responsible for his death. The first man because he ducked, or the robber who pulled the trigger with the intention to kill in the first place?"

"That hardly fits in on me." Alec murmured.

"Actually it does." Q insisted. "You were made to be the weapon Alec, the gun that the robber pointed. You were the one that spat out the bullet that killed the second man, but it was another man that made you, and it was another man who aimed you and pulled the trigger."

He took a light grip of Alec's arm, just enough to make him look up and meet his gaze again.

"If you take all the blame on yourself it will destroy you Alec. Be wary of it yes, but do not let it destroy you. Do not let them win."

"It is not about winning or losing." Alec objected. "It is about living with myself. I hate myself every hour of the day, for what I did, for what I did to James."

"Alec, if you said that you were proud of it I would thump you with this wrench." Q took up the hammer and waved it under Alec's nose. "But you should not hate yourself for it either. Think about it, the fact that you hate it, does that not meant that you were tricked into something that was not you. Something you yourself would never have done out of your own free will."

"Maybe." Alec said thoughtfully, but he was at least beginning to see the point as Q tried to drive it home.

"Think about that Alec, and if you do not see sense soon I shall be knocking some into you with my trusted wrench here." Q waved the hammer again and Alec could not keep from chuckling.

"I thought that that was not a wrench." Alec grinned at him.

"Of course it is a wrench." Q said with raised eyebrows. "That was what I asked you for, was it not? Then it would have to be a wrench that you gave me."

Alec chuckled mirthfully as he slipped down from the barrel. "I'll come by again later sometime again." He promised as he made to leave.

"Think about what I said Alec." Q said now serious again.

"I will." Alec promised. He would do some thinking on it. "But if I am here when I think I will just wind up giving you all the wrong tools."

He heard Q chuckle behind him as he left.

He was deep in though as he walked back toward his assigned room. It was probably the reason why he did not notice that someone else was walking behind him at first.

In truth he never noticed it, because after the blow connected with the back of his head he was beyond noticing things.

* * *

The rag tasted foul, it made him think of one of the oily and dirty rags that Q used when he was working on some new gadget. The ones that were used to wipe away grease and dirt for a few weeks and then thrown away.

Then Alec reacted to the fact that there should not be a rag in his mouth to start with.

It was a gag he realized when his head cleared a little, he wished that his head had not cleared at all, for if it had not he would never have known how much his head ached. Still he was trained as an agent, and so he sought to ignore the pain and work to estimate his status.

His head ached from a blow, but not so bad he would not be able to get away if there was a chance of escape. Moving his head he realized that there was another rag tied over his eyes as a blindfold, that was a bigger problem. He would not be able to see anything unless he could get it off.

Trying to move his limbs he discovered something else. His hands were tied, his wrists bound together with a rope, and that rope stretched off as it was tied to something solid. With the blindfold on he could not see what, and with his hands tied he could not remove the blindfold.

Unless he could get closer and slacken the rope enough to reach the blindfold.

He had been trained by the best, he had been one of the best, this then was the time to prove it, he and James had gotten out of worse things before.

He started trying to crawl closer to wherever the rope was tied, edging his way into the direction of the taunt rope.

He would have gotten further if not someone had been kicking him. Without the benefit of his eyes he could not tell where they were, and with his hands tied he could not protect himself in any way. The gag muffled his screams, and aside from a few curses they were silent. There were many of them, there was as many as five kicks at any given time, and there seemed to be another one holding the rope taunt as the kicks made him twist and roll.

There were no part of his body that was not attacked by the kicks, it was kicks, because it had the feel of shoes rather than some other heavy object.

Then the beating stopped. The rope was cut away by someone who sliced his skin in haste to remove it. Again he was dealt a bone cracking blow to the back of his head.

This is the end of chapter one, I will respond to all signed reviews with the new feature. Thank you, all of you for reading.


	3. So Easy…

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed. O'Moore however is mine, please do not steal without permission.

* * *

Chapter 3, _**So Easy…**_

Waking up, Alec hated waking up. The way his head and his body felt he would have preferred not waking up, at least not for a very long time.

A year or two, he was certain that the headache would have disappeared by then. Again he tried to estimate his situation. They had cut off the rope, and the gag was gone, so he guessed that the blindfold was as well, that made sense. Then there would be nothing but his word to say that he was ever attacked, and his word was not exactly the most trust inspiring for the moment.

He could only open his eyes a crack, but he guessed that it was due to dried blood, there was something on his face that could very well be dried blood, and when he moved something wet seeped down his face from his temple.

He strove to climb to his feet but fell back again with a groan, they had known where to kick to inflict maximum amount of damage, and it was not a comforting thought in his situation.

* * *

James was walking through one of the passages where no one ever went. He wanted to be alone to think, and he did not want to encounter anyone.

He had never encountered anyone here before, not since there had been an Alec who would deliberately go after him whenever he was in a foul mood. Alec would search him out, and would not give up until he had dragged everything out of him.

James uttered a curse, that was precisely what he did not want to think about, Alec, the traitor.

* * *

Alec heard the curse as from over a distance, but not being able to think of anyone who would help him he feared that it was his tormentors coming back. Perhaps they had decided that they had not had their fun yet.

He could not help but groan in the anticipation of more kicks.

* * *

The muffled groan he heard shattered James thoughts. No one ever came here, was that not what he had just decided.

Then he smirked as he decided that some Don Juan must have snared a sweet little bit and dragged her here for privacy. That was what he would have done, what he had done many times.

He decided to sneak close enough to see who it was, there was still a few females that he had yet to work his charm on, and it never hurt to know who was easily convinced.

He came into view of a dark corner, and it did not make sense.

There was the huddled shape of a man there. No women, just the man.

What was worse, he knew the shape by heart, he knew that blond hair that was now tinged rust red with drying blood, Alec.

It was Alec lying there, and he looked to be in a bad shape, he was trying to push to his feet, but he was not able to, he only managed a few inches before he fell back again, groaning with pain, and yet he tried again.

Alec did not give up because the pain was tearing at him.

He was the traitor that James hated for having betrayed him. Here he was suffering as James had told himself was just right.

Alec had no idea that James was there, he could turn and walk around, leave Alec to suffer as he should. As every traitor should suffer.

Or he could stand and watch Alec in pain, as he had been in pain after the betrayal.

Why did he have to remember the times that Alec had gone after him, why did he have to think of all the times Alec would never give up until he knew that James would be all right?

For as he recalled that he could not leave.

Alec would never have known, it would have been so easy to leave and he would not have to bother about Alec, he could simply forget what he had seen, but he could not forget how Alec had been there for him so many times.

He moved over to the figure.

"Alec." He said quietly, with a softness in his voice that surprised even himself.

"James." Alec coughed, and the blood that slipped out of his mouth alarmed James.

"What happened Alec." James knelt to turn him over so he would be able to see the extent of the damage.

"You're not the only one who hates a traitor, James." Alec murmured. There was a lot of blood on his face. A lot of blood. "It should not be surprising." Alec stopped speaking to cough and more blood streamed from his mouth. "You hate me James."

"So easy James." Alec went on, even if it made him cough up a little more blood after every few words. "No one would blame you for leaving me here, no one would know. I would not blame you. It's so easy James."

To hear his thoughts spoken by Alec made James blood freeze. Alec knew that if James left he might not be able to get himself out of there. If he was lucky he would make it, but Alec could not know for certain if he would be that lucky, and yet he offered James the choice to leave.

"No Alec." James said, while his brain still debated what to do, his brain was still trying to come to a decision, but his heart had already acted. "It would be too easy." He said as he did not want to admit his real reason for helping, not even to himself.

"I will get you out of here, I will get you help." He was not doing it for England this time, for you Alec, he thought as he gathered him close to lift him. This he was doing because he remembered the Alec that had once been his friend.

He uttered a curse as he lifted him. He had lifted Alec many times in the past, but he had never been this light or thin. He should not be so thin, there should be more flesh to him, more weight to struggle with.

Alec groaned as he was jostled. It was obviously painful, James had thought that he would not care whatever Alec was in pain or not, so why was he now taking care not to jostle him more than necessary. Why did he care whether Alec was in pain or not?

* * *

He asked the same question one more time when he again stood outside a door, looking in on the prone form in the bed through a glass window in the door. Just as when Alec had first been brought back.

Déjà vu, James thought with a dry smile as he saw O'Moore approach form the opposite direction. It seemed that someone wanted it to be like the last time.

Alec was in bad shape, he would survive, none of the injuries were life threatening, but he was in bad shape. He was in much pain, and he would be so for some time.

Agent Double-oh-three, O'Moore came up to James, he looked very serious with his gritted teeth, he was clearly angry. "Who did this to him?" He demanded.

"You will have to ask Alec that." James said. "I found him like that." Surely O'Moore could not believe he had done that to Alec, then James realised that he had been thinking of leaving him like he had found him, and that was not much better if one thought about it.

"Thank you for bringing him back." O'Moore said, and there was no mistaking the anger in his voice. He was furious over what had been done to Alec. "I know you would never do that to him, but I would like to know who did it."

"So would I." James surprised himself by saying. "I do not like the thought of anyone here capable of such petty revenge." He hurried to say to cover up his lapse.

"Can you understand that he needs you now?" O'Moore asked ruefully. "Someone who cares enough to go looking for him, what if you had not passed by? He would not have gotten any help then, he would have been left there."

James was on the verge of pointing out that he, O'Moore seemed to care enough to go looking for him, and that it seemed to go for Q as well, but then he realized that there was a difference.

If Alec went off to seek solitude, then James was the only one who knew him well enough to know where he should look for him. The others could only guess where he would be, James would know.

There was also one other thing that he did not really want to consider, the fact that Alec seemed to trust him for some reason. He should not trust James after the way James had treated him, and yet, for some reason he did.

When James had brought him to the medical staff Alec had slipped into shock, or very close, and he had clung on to James in desperation and fear.

He had clung to the one who had denied him water when he brought him back, who had not raised a hand to help him when he was in pain that time.

Yet now he still clung to him. Alec was not fully recovered from the last ordeal yet, and that was why he was in such a dire state now. Because he had still been weak.

It had made James feel ashamed, when he realized that Alec was still able to trust him like that, and had he betrayed that trust? Probably he had, for he was out in the corridor, watching his former friend through a glass window in the door, when he could have been inside the room, sitting by the bed.

He saw his own thoughts portrayed in O'Moores eyes, he would have expected to see some accusation there as well, but there was nothing like that there. Only compassion and regret.

O'Moore had been there when James came, and even later when Alec came. James had not been overly found of the idea of a partner, especially not a cocky young such, who thought that he could work his charm on the female sex. He had thought that Alec was too cocky, too witty for his own good.

It had taken them some time to get to know each other, and there had been a few fiery explosions along the way. Yet they had grown closer, even without them really noticing it, suddenly it had just been natural to go out for a pint together. It had just been natural that they were friends.

The competition of saying something wittier than the other could come up with turned into friendly banter. They became protective of each other, and they sought to protect each other. That was why Alec's betrayal had hurt so much that he had nearly left him there, like he had once before…

James broke the strain of thought with an audible gasp of surprise, one that O'Moore pretended that he had not heard.

James had never left Alec at his mercy, he had always gotten him out of each and every scrap so why had he been thinking that. He had dragged him out a few times, with both their lives hanging by a thread, but he had never left him, never, only once. Back there when he had seen Alec fall senseless to the ground. When he had thought that the bullet had killed Alec. He could have taken steps to ascertain whatever he was truly dead, or if he had just been unconscious. If he had done that then Alec would have been with his friends when he suffered from the amnesia.

He would never have been at the mercy of those who had used him so cruelly. James had not done all he could to save him that time, and as a result Alec had been turned into the enemy by the enemy.

Had Alec ever cursed James for leaving him as he was now cursing Alec? Had Alec ever blamed James for all of it, he had blamed Alec, but had Alec really blamed him?

He was not cursing James, nor blaming him, he was blaming himself. Why was he blaming himself when he could so easily be blaming James, and thus transfer all the guilt and shame to him?

Because when it came to some things, not everything, but some certain things, Alec had not been lying, he really was better than James.

"It took you long enough to come to that conclusion." O'Moore said quietly, as if he had been reading James thoughts. There was no need for such drastic measures, James thoughts was plain on his face as the realisation struck him.

"I left him there." James choked. "I never tried to save him." He shook his head. "I was certain he was dead, but I still left him there. He must have felt as betrayed as I did."

"Alec knows a lot about betrayal." O'Moore stated. "He was orphaned because of betrayal, and he has been betrayed since then. Perhaps you should ask him about betrayal."

O'Moore thought that James had indeed betrayed Alec to some extent, but not by leaving him, he could not have known that Alec was still alive.

No the betrayal was after that, when he could have listened, when he could have tried to understand, but refused because he himself felt hurt. That had been a betrayal. O'Moore had been informed that Alec suffered amnesia, and after that he could not hold any grudge against the younger man. Yet James who had been the one closest to him would not even listen, well, he seemed to be ready to listen now, and O'Moore would make sure that he did listen.

"Maybe you should talk to him about that James." O'Moore said slowly, he did not want to place any blame over onto James, but he wanted James to understand that Alec had suffered as well.

James should do that, he should not be standing outside in a corridor and look in on Alec when the younger man was in pain. It was not the right thing to do. Slowly James pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Alec was lying still in the bed, so very still, too still. He did not move the slightest, there was hardly even a rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. The left side of his face was disfigured by a swollen mass of bruises, one of the savage kicks would have taken him in the face then to leave bruises so bad. The bruises continued down his throat, as did the swelling, and his breathing was ragged and shallow because he had to draw breath through a swollen throat.

The right hand that rested on the cover was covered with angry scratches that made even the purple and green bruises fade, not to mention how the swelling had disfigured it.

He had seen Alec look much like it before, after missions gone awry, even a few times when there had been no missions, just his and Alec's uncanny knack for getting themselves into trouble.

Every time it froze his heart, he had believed that his heart had been hardened against Alec forever, but it had not, if it had he would not feel so sick now.

"Seems I am a disgrace to our training once more." Alec rasped in a horse voice, one who betrayed how much speaking hurt his tortured throat. "Should have been able to get myself out of that scrape."

"Don't speak Alec." James did not want him to be talking when it was obvious how much it hurt.

"I'm sorry James." Alec's voice cracked and he coughed, it brought tears of pain to his eyes. "I know you do not want to hear me, but it would not be fair not to let you know that I was awake, so you could leave if you wished." Alec looked at him, and James thought of that picture of the young child that he had tucked away. Because Alec looked so small and afraid.

How could he look so afraid and hurt, and still offer James to leave him?

"I intend to stay this time." James mumbled. To cover up how uncomfortable he felt he took the water glass from the table beside the bed and held the straw in it to Alec's lips. "Drink, it will make you feel better."

There was something in Alec's eyes then, a glint of surprise and James recalled how Alec had been begging for water and James had denied him it. Maybe by offering it to him freely now he could begin paying of the debt he owed Alec for having denied it to him even once.

"I do not want you to speak because I do not want you to suffer needlessly."

Just like Alec was trying to pay off a little on the debt he owed for having trusted the wrong people.

"Some things are worth the pain James." Alec offered a small grin, a lopsided one that would tear as little as possible at the bruises.

"Some things are worth the pain." James agreed, what was? Just how much pain could something be worth? How much pain was Alec worth?

* * *

Alec had fallen asleep again. The medical staff had given him some kind of pain repressing drug, and it had knocked him out as fast as any car James had ever driven.

At some point over the years, when Alec had ceased to be just his partner, and had also become a friend, and even a little brother, then James had thought that Alec was worth the world. That there was nothing he would not do for Alec should the younger one need it. He had believed that Alec was worth anything, no matter how painful or difficult it would be.

Now he stood where he had to give up just that, the most difficult thing he had ever done, it was time to do it for Alec.

James had to forgive him, and he was not sure if he could do that. Yet he had to.

"For you, Alec." He mumbled to the sleeping figure. "For you."

* * *

When Alec woke up he could sense that he was not alone, and that was about all. He could not focus through the drug haze that had once been referred to as his brain, no doubt by someone very optimistic as it certainly did not resemble anything remotely close to a brain for the moment.

He had experienced times before when everything seemed to swim in and out of focus. That could however not be used to describe his current state. There was not enough focus for things to swim in and out of.

Not even the sense that he was not alone, for that one was evading all attempts he made at approaching it. He could not even get a grasp on it that was strong enough to determine whatever he was really sensing it or not.

Even worse than that, there was not focus enough for him to be a hundred percent certain that he was really he, as unfocused and disorienting as everything was he might very well be a she without him being aware of it.

That thought startled him into some order of awareness. Mostly because his mind fled in panic from the stray thought, and just happened to flee in the direction where his reasoning was hiding behind something.

He was he, he was not some she.

At least that was something to be grateful for, now if he only knew which he, he was. There was something vaguely familiar about not knowing exactly which him he was. So perhaps that was as it should be. After all that could be information he was not cleared for.

About there the string of something that could be compared to thoughts had they been just a little more related to any kind of brain functioning stopped making sense even to him.

It also served to jolt him into a slightly higher level of awareness from sheer fright of what the object that could now almost be likened to a brain had come up with.

He now had brain functions enough at his disposal to realize two things, the first that he was not alone, and the second that he was already aware of the first one.

Alec groaned as he feared that it would start all over again, and was there a more frightening thought than that?

"Alec." The voice cut through the haze, it was able to cut through the haze because Alec loved the sound of that voice so much.

"M'here." Alec murmured. Stupid thing to say really, if that was James he was hearing, then James already knew where Alec was, probably better than Alec himself knew. At least James had clarified that he was indeed Alec, and if he was Alec, and that was James, then surely everything would be all right again.

"I know Alec, don't worry, you are safe now." James voice was soft, without the anger and hatred that had been there recently. It was a beautiful voice when there was no hatred in it.

Alec forced his eyes open to look at James, he wanted to make certain that there was no hatred lingering in his eyes when he regarded Alec. He wanted to be certain that James no longer wished him dead above all other things.

All he could see was concern.

"I am sorry James, for everything." He croaked. "I am sorry for what you had to go through."

"I am sorry to Alec, for not understanding how much you suffered the whole time." James closed his eyes for a moment.

"Some things are very hard to believe James." Alec murmured. "Even when the evidence for it is right there in front of you."

At first James believed that Alec spoke of the way James had refused to see Alec as anything but the master mind of evil, but then Alec continued.

"Maybe I could have found out that it was lies they were telling me, but I was to afraid to look. Because those lies were the only thing I had. If I found out they were indeed lies, then I would be back to not knowing anything, not my own name, nothing. So I was to afraid too look."

It was Alec's experiences, but it was also James. For he had been too afraid to look to see whatever Alec was guilty or not. He had wanted to blame someone, and he had wanted it to be Alec. If not, he was afraid that there would be no one to blame.

"I never thought about how terrifying it would be not being able to remember anything." James admitted. "I never allowed myself to, because I knew that if I did I would not be able to hate you for trusting them anymore, and I wanted to do that. I was a coward Alec, and you suffered for that. I am sorry."

"A pair of fools we are it appears." Alec was hoarse from speaking and coughed, it hurt a lot, but it was worth it to be able to talk with James again. "No wonder everyone always claimed that we were the perfect couple."

James chuckled. "You should not speak so much Alec, it will only hurt you more. Just rest, I am here, I will make sure you are all right."

Alec was grateful for the offer, weariness was dragging him off towards sleep again, and he had to admit that he feared the loneliness of lying alone and hurt in a room. He feared feeling so vulnerable as he did when he knew he could not defend himself, and when he really was alone and it felt like the room was such a vast empty space.

Then he felt that he was not alone, for James had taken his hand and held it loosely. When he had that touch to latch onto he knew that he was not alone in the vastness, and that there was nothing in it that could hurt him either.

Alec allowed himself to drift of into the land of dreams.

* * *

When Alec returned from the dream land there was a new voice there, one that began talking soothingly to him after he had groaned, and Alec realised alarmed that it was not James voice. It was another one.

Startled he forced his eyes open to see who was there.

"Easy Alec." His eyes refused to focus properly, but at least he was awake enough to recognize the voice. O'Moore was there.

"James?" Alec croaked. Had it all been a drug dream, of James finally talking with him, James holding his hand. If that had only been a dream, then Alec would go hunting down the sandman and make him pay for the deception.

"He is here Alec." Came the soft voice of O'Moore. "He has been here the whole time you were asleep." There was a faint grin that Alec could detect now that his eyes finally focused. "You have slept very long and he fell asleep himself, but he is here."

The sandman was safe then, Alec reflected. There was no need to hunt down and kill him.

"I do not think he hates me anymore." He mumbled.

"Who did this to you, Alec?" Now O'Moore looked grim and angry.

"Don't know." Alec mumbled, twisting his head so that he could see James. "Doesn't matter."

"It matters Alec." O'Moore stated firmly. "It matters to me, and it matters to James. Do you know who it was?"

"No." Alec did not understand how it could matter so much, it was a nice feeling to know that O'Moore cared about him, but it did not really matter. James no longer hated him, compared to that, what did it matter if they had even beaten him half to death. Alec did not reflect upon the fact that he had been beaten half to death.

How could anything matter beside the fact that James no longer wanted to beat him half to death, or all the way there. That was what was important.

"We will find out who it was Alec." O'Moore said matter of factly.

"Doesn't matter." Alec mumbled again. "They just hated a traitor, can't blame them."

"I can blame them." O'Moore said grimly. "We claim to be better than that Alec. We claim that we are against such evil. You would never do such a thing Alec, and I know that. James would never do it, and no one should have done it." He shook his head ruefully. "I fear for you now Alec, if they have attacked you once, they might again, and I will not have that. Do you understand that Alec, I do not want to find out that you have been beaten again. I want to keep you safe."

Alec understood, not why he should be worth it, but he understood. O'Moore had always been there, prepared to give the rookies the advice that might keep them alive. O'Moore had also always been there for the two orphaned agents that had no other families.

"I never needed any other father." He mumbled as he looked up at the man. O'Moore had stepped into that role before he himself had even realised it. Alec had always been out to prove that he could do just as well without any family, and then suddenly he had both a father and a brother.

"I never needed any other son." O'Moore smiled sadly as he stroked the blond hair. It was true, all too true, thought he would have preferred if his so called son had been in a safer occupation. One where one did not have to worry if you would see him alive again every time that he went on a mission. Then again, had Alec not chosen that, then he would never have met him, and that would have been worse.

"We will get through this mess." O'Moore said softly as he continued to stroke his hair, he would have taken his hand, but James still held on to it and did not seem to be about to let go. Alec's other hand was too swollen, if he took it he would only hurt him. "We will keep you safe from now on Alec."

O'Moore wondered how they were about to do that. Alec could not be allowed to wander around alone, that much was certain, but how would he take it if there was always someone with him. Would he think that they did not trust him? How could they always be close enough to protect him? He was not sure, he only knew that he would not let anyone harm him again, they would have to deal with him if they were about to, and as it stood O'Moore intended to have a word with M about Alec's safety.

"Sleep now Alec." He urged, it would be better for him to sleep. James would still be there and he could go and speak with M.

"Would prefer not to, don't really trust the sandman." Alec murmured.

O'Moore looked at him with a look of utter confusion, now where had that come from? Not trust the sandman, it sounded to him as if the medical staff had used some drugs that were just a little too powerful. Why else would Alec be claiming that the sandman could not be trusted. He would speak with the medical staff to make sure they were not pumping him full of some drug that he really did not need.

"You do not have to be afraid Alec, James will still be here, I just need to go away a little." He promised, thinking of waking James up so that he could keep better watch, but he really wanted to find out what the medical staff had given him.

"I think the sandman was after James." Alec mumbled, half asleep and not really on the right side of anything coherent. "Seemed like it before."

"What sandman Alec?" Perhaps he had misunderstood, it could after all be a code name for some one they had once fought, and now in his weakened state Alec could be having nightmares about it.

"The one in that dream land, don't trust the dream land either." Alec yawned. "It's a scary place. I think the sandman lives there, he is scary too."

O'Moore decided that he defiantly needed to know what they had given him.

When Alec had closed his eyes O'Moore touched James shoulder, James immediately came awake.

"Can you keep an eye on him?" O'Moore asked. "I think that he has been having some very bad nightmares. He said that he did not want to sleep because he did not trust the sandman."

"What kind of drugs have they given him?" James demanded, suddenly feeling very concerned.

"That is what I intend to find out." O'Moore stated. "And we need to find a way to protect him as well. We can no let him be harmed in such a way again."

James nodded a silent agreement, he would make sure that Alec was safe.

* * *

**To Be Continued**

This is the end of chapter one, I will respond to all signed reviews with the new feature. Thank you, all of you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

**_Green Eyes and Golden Heart_**

Chapter 4

When Alec next awoke he was not sure whatever he would dare to open his eyes or not, who know if the sandman had been there or not.

One simply could not trust the sandman, then he decided that he needed to open his eyes, if the sandman had been up to any of his usual tricks he could always borrow Q's wrench and teach the little runt a lesson.

James was there, he was the first thing Alec saw when he opened his eyes, he was sitting there and reading some paper, a thick envelope in his hand.

"James?" Alec mumbled, he was thirsty, at least his mouth was dry.

"How are you doing Alec?" James immediately laid down the paper. There was a lot of concern in his voice, and something else as well.

"Well enough." Alec braved a smile, they had been through these things before, and they had always joked it away, always, yet he could not think of anything funny to say now.

"It is over now." James stated, and there was the faintest trace of doubt in his voice, well, that came as no surprise. As big a mess as everything was it could not all be over within minutes just because someone spoke the words, and Alec knew that, and James as well. It would be a long and rough road still before James words became the truth.

"Thanks for staying with me." Alec told him, perhaps the reason he could not think of any jokes was because this was not the time for jokes, they could come later. For now James deserved honesty.

"I was afraid that it would all have been a dream, and that you would still be hating me and wanting me dead." Honesty hurt, voicing his fears hurt, but he did it because James was worth it.

He looked at James and saw something change in his eyes, as if he had just come to realise something, or found the missing piece in a puzzle.

"Is that why you have been talking about not trusting the sandman?" James asked cautiously, hoping that the answer would be less confusing than the question seemed to him.

Alec nodded with a slightly embarrassed grin, he had a vague memory of saying something about the sandman, and judging by James comment it would have to have been something very confusing.

James chuckled, it was good to know that there had been an almost logical reason for his ramblings. "Don't worry Alec, we'll keep the evil sandman away from you." He grinned.

"He is a sneaky fellow." Alec warned with a grin of his own. "You had better be careful James."

"Come now, don't you think I can handle him?" James teased.

"Just don't want you to fall asleep on the job James." Alec baited him with a yawn, he was getting tiered again, even if he had slept so recently. It seemed that he tiered even if he had not really done anything more than utter a few words.

"I'll bring an alarm clock." James promised. He did not really like how Alec was nodding off again, but the medical staff had told him it was due to his body trying to regain strength, and that it was nothing to worry about.

This time thought he left while the younger man slept, he needed to find O'Moore. They needed to find a way to keep Alec safe in the future, and it was tricky. Even if he understood more of it now, even if he wanted to forgive Alec it was not as easy as uttering the word.

There was so many issues concerning it that he still needed to work out for himself before he could move past them. If he stepped in as Alec's protector now, and then one of those issues surfaced before he could deal with it, if it made him lash out at Alec like he had done before, what would happen then?

If he took on the role as protector Alec would be depending on him for protection, and that would put James in a position where he could very well be the one doing the most damage, he was not sure if he was ready for that risk.

Would Alec understand that one of the people James had to protect him from could very well turn out to be James himself. Alec was trusting, he had always been, James feared what he could do to someone who trusted him in that way.

He would speak with O'Moore, he was sure to be able to come up with a solution. The way he had always stepped in into the father role surely he could step in and care for Alec more direct. The way James saw it Alec needed support from friends now, just as O'Moore had tried to tell him before, and who was better to give him that support than someone he thought about like a father.

Someone he thought about like a brother.

* * *

That had been O'Moore's opinion on the whole matter.

"I can help James, I will help, in every way that I can, but Alec trusts you in a completely different way." O'Moore reasoned calmly. "I could take him home with me, and I could keep him safe that way, but then I would also be taking him from you, and you are the one he needs close now."

"After what I did to him?" James objected. "I all but told him that I wished he had died, and I were wishing it. There are still things he did that makes me want to hate him when I think about them. What if I lash out at him?"

"Do you know what made him want to fight them again James?" O'Moore asked sheepishly. "He had given up on all when you brought him up, Alec then did not care whatever he lived or died, and in fact he was saying that you should have killed him when you could, do you know what made him want to fight back again?"

"He said that he owed a debt for what he had done and wanted to pay of it as much as he was able to." James shrugged.

"Think about it James." O'Moore challenged with a small grin, one that let James know that O'Moore knew something that James did not. "What made him care enough to want to do that. He had given up, what made him want to fight again." The grin became broader. "You know him well enough to tell me that James, now tell me."

James could guess, but he was to afraid to voice his conclusion, because with that conclusion came a power over Alec that he did not wish to hold.

"You James. You made him want to fight again, he did it for you."

The beating he had received had been a set back in Alec's recovery, both physical and mentally. For when he had met with his tormentors hatred Alec had once again begun doubting whatever he was really worth being allowed to continue living. It seemed to him that if he was so hated it would have been better had James not saved him, and for some reason that attitude made James angry. Well, it had before as well, but this time he was not angry at Alec, but rather at those who made him think that way.

It was strange, finding himself once again caring so deeply for Alec.

Even when Alec was allowed out of the medical staffs care he was more subdued. He was silent and even thought he did what they asked him to he did not take any initiative on his own, not for anything.

Suddenly James did not want him to be on his own, and that for more reasons than the fact that he feared Alec might be attacked. He also feared that Alec would just give up on everything and wane away. It seemed that he would not even be angry.

James had thought that Alec would be angry the first night when Alec was allowed to hobble back to his assigned room. James had followed him there. He had not really decided on a course of action yet, sure, they had decided that Alec should not be alone. He and O'Moore, but they had not decided on how to arrange that yet, thought James was positive he could survive a night or two spent in a chair.

It was strange when Alec turned around to look at James. It was if Alec knew what he was thinking. No, that was not it, for when they had worked as a team they had often seemed to be reading each others mind, and Alec never looked at him that way then.

No this time it was more as if Alec tried to find out what he was thinking.

This was when James would have wished him goodnight if he was leaving, and Alec knew by now that James did not intend to leave, and he wanted to know why James was staying, because Alec doubted he was worth it.

"We decided that we would not take the chance they came after you again." James stated weekly. Alec merely looked at him.

"You'd miss out on a comfortable bed and a beautiful girl to stay here." Alec asked in a voice that appeared void of all emotion.

"I did not have a date anyway." James shrugged. "Seriously Alec, they obviously had access here, do you really want to be on your own if they should decide to make another go at it?"

"I could not really blame them for it." Alec murmured as he turned around.

"Damn Alec, are you just gonna roll over and give up, if you intend to do that they will not have to." James said angrily.

"And that was not what you wanted just earlier?" Alec turned to look at James. There were a hint of pleading in his eyes, and fear. Alec knew what answer he wanted to hear, yet he feared it.

James however found himself unable to answer, for answering honestly would be to confirm that he had indeed wanted that Alec should give up and die.

"I'll manage on my own, go home James." Alec murmured as he pondered whatever it was to early to go to bed or not.

"No Alec." James swallowed as he realised something, that not answering that question might have been as bad as answering it, for sometimes silence was an answer in itself. "I might have been a fool before, but I will not let you suffer for that now."

Alec nodded slowly, but he did not look so defeated anymore, there was a hint of his old spirit in his features.

That was how Alec looked when they were in an impossible situation they could never survive, and when they found a way out of it that might work. Alec would smile like that when he tried to accomplish something that really was to impossible to work, and he would always succeed.

"We always pulled it off before Alec." James said now. "Every scrape we got into, we always got out off as well, this might be the worst one yet, but why brake the habit."

"If we get through this, I'll buy you a pint." Alec smiled softly.

It was an old tradition of their, 'if we get out of this alive I'll buy you a pint.' It was one of them putting trust in the other.

When James could not see what to do, when he could find no way out of it, then he would say it, and Alec would come up with a plan, then later after the mission they would go to a pub and drink the pint.

They would laugh and celebrate, and more often than not there would be a beautiful women to celebrate with after it all.

James would by Alec a pint, and as many times it would be Alec buying James a pint.

* * *

It did not really work that way anymore, they could not sit down and empty a pint and then everything would be alright again.

They had gone to far beyond that point, an entire barrel of ale would not be enough, but James was not giving up because of that.

"Where had you intended to sleep?" Alec suddenly asked.

"I'll take the chair." James shrugged, it looked horribly uncomfortable, but he did not really have a choice in the matter. It was the only place to sleep in.

"No." Alec shook his head slowly. "It's even worse than it looks James."

James gave a light chuckle to reassure Alec. "Considering some of the places we have slept, you and me both, I do not think I chair will be the killing punch." He quieted as Alec suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Really Alec, we both have slept in much, much worse places. It won't bother me at all."

"It's not right." Alec shook his head in desperation and turned away. "It is wrong James, really wrong, you should not."

"But I will Alec, I will stay here." James laid a hand on his shoulder, hoping it was comforting him. He knew how to comfort Alec when he was in pain, when they had been shoot or injured, but he did not know how to comfort him when he was upset. He was not good at that kind of things. He had no idea of what to say to a grown man. It had never been necessary before.

True, the part about being orphan had been hard both for him and for Alec at times, even if he guessed that it had been harder for Alec. He himself could remember his parents quite clearly, and he had pictures of them. He had been taken in by relatives, family.

Alec had grown up in an orphan age with no memory at all of his parents, and James had seen that picture of him as a child. He wanted to know how Alec had got those scratches, had he been hurt in some way? He wanted to know why the child was wearing clothes that were to big, could they not have found something more suitable for him to wear.

He did not even know what kind of orphanage it had been. Alec had never talked much about it. He had mentioned it, but he had never really talked about it. It did not seem like one of the best ones. When he thought about it he had no idea of how any orphan ages worked.

Alec looked up at him now. "Things have changed James, it is not like before. It is not that simple any longer."

"It never was simple." James shook his head. "Listen to me Alec. We have been looking out for each other since the first time we met, I failed you once, I do not intend to do so again. When you need me from now on I intend to be here."

"You did not." Alec pulled free from him and tried to move away from him, the room was to small for him to get out of James reach, but James respected that he wanted to. "It was me James, it was me who were stupid, it was me who should have known they were lying to me. I failed the training, I failed my country and I failed you."

"Alec, lets not do this." James pleaded. "Things were never easy, they never were, not even once. But we always did it together. We will this time as well. Please Alec, listen to me, we will this time as well."

Alec turned to look at him, he stood there with his arms wrapped around himself, and James thought about hugging him for a split second, but something held him back. He was not sure if Alec wanted that. Instead he put the hand back on his shoulder.

"Go to bed and sleep now Alec, you need it." He said firmly but softly.

Alec gave a small nod and sat down on the edge of the bed, unbuttoning his shirt and starting to pull it off. Folding it more or less neatly. More neatly than James did. It was funny, he had seen Alec fold up his clothes like that to many times to count. Whenever they shared a room Alec did that. Folded the clothes up into a pile resembling neatness. While James would just drop them and let someone take care of wrinkles for him.

Now that he had noticed it he wondered how it came to be that Alec did that. Perhaps it was because he had grown up in the orphan age, he suspected that the children there was made to be tidy with their things.

Usually Alec would put the pile on the seat of the chair, but now he placed it on the floor beside the bed instead. He lay looking at James before he fell asleep. James could see it, and the look of sadness on his face was heart breaking.

James had no problem with nodding off, he had slept in many much more uncomfortable places during the years. He slept quite well until he woke up because of a scream. He came awake immediately and looked at Alec. He was tossing and turning in his sleep, groaning as if he was enduring torment. He screamed again, and now James acted.

Moving over and shaking him awake. "Alec, wake up." He was shaking his shoulders, and Alec woke up with a sob. His eyes focusing on James face, and he tried to lung away from him. James stared at him in surprise as Alec banged his arm against the wall, why did he try to get away from him, and why was Alec's eyes still so full of fear?

What could he have been dreaming that had left him so frightened?

"Alec, it's okay, it was just a dream." He tried to sooth him. "It's over now." He decided that he must have been dreaming about the attack. It would be the freshest terror in his memory.

Alec had suffered nightmares before, they both had. You could not do what they had done and not get a few nightmares because of it. He had shook Alec awake a time or two, just as he had now, and Alec would look around to get his bearings. Then he would crack a joke and go back to sleep.

He did not now, he curled up really tight, huddling with his back pressed against the wall and another sob escaped him.

"Alec, it's okay." James stated softly laying one hand on his shoulder. "They won't get to you again, you are safe now."

Alec shook his head violently, and James feared he would hurt himself. It also worried him that Alec's breathing seemed so agitated. How bad had the nightmare been to upset him that much. James sat down on the edge of the bed. Again he wished he knew how to comfort someone.

"It's over Alec, we'll protect you." He said softly.

"How can you." Alec sat up, his back still against the wall, and huddling in the far corner from James. He was still curled up as if he feared he would be hurt again. "It's not over James, it's not over. I see it, all of it, all of what I did. How can you protect me after what I did." Alec swallowed heavily.

"And what about all the good you did Alec." James countered, it was all that he could think of to say. "What about every time we saved the world. You did far more good than bad Alec. Far more. You save the world, you save me so many times. If the world can not forgive you one mistake, then I do not think it was worth all we gave up."

"It's not that simple." Alec near shouted. "It isn't James. It's not that simple." He shook his head again. "Not to me it isn't."

"I know." James doubted it helped Alec to hear that, but he really was at a loss for what to say. It should have been O'Moore here with Alec. He would have known what to say to comfort him. He was a fathers figure for Alec, surely he would know what to do, and still it was him that had decided that it was James who should stay there.

"Come here Alec." James was not sure if it was the right thing to do, but he moved closer to Alec, draping one arm over his shoulders and pulling him to his side. "I am here, no matter what happens, I am here. We'll get through this."

It actually worried him how Alec leaned against him. It was not like Alec to seek comfort from touch, he could not recall him having done so before. He guessed that maybe things had changed though. Maybe feeling so very alone for so long had done this to Alec. Or it was because his defences were still down.

Then Alec seemed to compose himself. "Is it worth it?" He asked solemnly. Then he shook his head. "Never mind, James. Go back to sleep again."

"Are you sure you're alright." James asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Alec nodded and rubbed a hand over his face. "Go back to sleep James."

So James let go of his shoulders wit a last squeeze, looking at him as he laid down again. Alec looked so tiered and weary. It was not like his Alec to look that way, James found that he wanted to get his old Alec back.

* * *

Alec woke up and fought against a wave of panic, the same wave that always came over him now as he awoke. Before he realised that James was still there, and it was not all another one of the sandman's finely spun lies.

When he was a child in the orphanage he had never been told about the sandman, not as normal children had. They were told stories, but not that kind of stories.

Alec had first encountered the concept in boarding school. His roommate would usually drop a comment about the sandman. He still thought that the sandman sounded treacherous.

Yet James was still there, sitting in the chair, sleeping in that uncomfortable position, and Alec wondered again why he did it. O'Moore had told him that he would not be alone anymore, because it was not safe.

He knew why O'Moore wanted him safe, the man who would never have a son, and had taken Alec instead, the one who held a fathers unconditional love for him, the kind that was not used to keep you in line by the threat of having it removed. James was different though, very different.

James had loved him like a brother, but he had also hated him with the vengeance of a betrayed brother.

On the other hand he had offered James a way out, and he had rejected it, so maybe the love really was deeper than the hate.

He stirred beneath the sheets and James opened his eyes. James, always watchful, always vigilant.

"I never could keep up with you." Alec said slowly. "I never could keep up to your standard."

"It was the others who could not keep up with us." James said as he stood and stretched. "You and me together Alec."

Alec did not argue, there was no point, he slipped out from beneath the sheets. Conscious about the scars that covered his body. Not because James would be repealed by scars, but because they came from the Arkangel explosion.

He was conscious about them because they came from that mission that had become such a disaster. The last time before every thing had gone so wrong.

He dressed half turned away from James, and he could feel his eyes on him as he did so. Not strange as both of them had always been able to tell that the other was looking at him.

James waited until he was dressed, and had to stop himself from stepping in and adjusting the tie like he would have done before. It was not really an option to do that now.

"Come on, lets get some breakfast." He said instead. Alec nodded and followed him out.

It worried James how little he ate, he wanted to reach across the table and shake him, tell him that he had to eat more. Tell him that he had to fight. Instead he watched Alec as he sat there and fiddled with his fork. Sighing as both of them stood and headed towards the office. Before, when they worked together the two of them had shared the office as well, now because James worked alone, the desk that had once been Alec's stood empty.

Alec visibly paled as he saw the piece of furniture, and James bit back a cures. He had not thought about it that way, but here was palpable reminder of all Alec had lost.

"Alec, are you okay?" He asked.

"Of course." Alec shrugged. Trying to shake of the effect of seeing his old desk. He would have been better at that a few years ago, and he hated that it was so hard now.

He tried to tell himself that it did not matter, and that he should snap out of it, yet as James sat down behind his desk, Alec remained leaning against the wall, and he knew that James noticed that as well. James always noticed those things.

Now he was frowning over a notice. "We've got orders to go down to Q." James said as he looked up at Alec. "Something about equipment."

"Are you going out on a mission?" Alec asked, following a half step behind James, and James wanted to grab him and haul him up to walk beside him. Sure, Alec's movements was still hindered by the fact that he was limping, but still, he should not walk trailing behind.

"No, not for some time." James steadied himself not to say anything to Alec that he should not. He thought that Alec looked relived to hear that he was not going anywhere, but it was hard to tell.

"Maybe Q wants to talk with you about something you wrecked." Alec said quietly, carefully as if he was afraid to say it.

"No, he always does that right away when I get back." James shook his head. "It has to be something else."

They entered into the perpetual chaos that was Q's domains. The first thing they heard was§ a muffled explosion coming from some far of corner. Q did not even bother to check what it might be, not as he saw James and Alec coming towards him. It was strange how many feelings that evoked in him now. The two of them had been walking in like that more times than he could remember. Often with James just slightly in the lead. Every time the two of them were to go out on some mission they had come in like that, and he had supplied them, knowing that it was the last time he saw whatever he had given James.

At times Q tried to make things that fitted one particularly agent. He had often found himself doing something that would fit Alec well. Some things was standard made, and given to the first agent that needed it, but when there was someone Q liked, then it was easy to make something you know he would have use of.

Now he looked at them, James wearing his usual confidence and cocky attitude like his suit, Alec confident but apprehensive, more weary of his own vulnerability. No wonder with all that had happened to him. He used to be just as cocky as James before, but that was another thing, Alec had always been faster to learn from his mistakes.

"There you are." Q grinned as they came over to him. "Alec, I have some things ready for you."

"I am not an agent anymore." Alec gave him a weary look.

"This is not official agent equipment either." Q told him, in fact, it was not something he was supposed to be giving him he guessed, but Q and O'Moore had worked it out together.

He was however not sure of how Alec would take it. The younger man had a tricky sense of pride at times. More unpredictable than James' because you never knew when it would come into play.

"Is it approved by M?" Alec asked, and Q wished he had not asked that.

"I really doubt that she would approve of it." Alec noted, he had been removed from the schedule of the training sessions after the attack, and he suspected that they were back to not knowing what to do with him again.

"It is approved by everyone that has to approve of it." Q stated firmly.

"No one then." Alec stated, he knew Q well enough to know what that meant. "I am not an agent anymore, I am not allowed to use agent equipment. I am only here because no one knows what to do with me." He found it hard to keep his emotions under control all of a sudden. The words wanted to spill out of him, and he could not really hold them in. "They would not stand for it, and you would get in trouble as well."

Alec hated how he felt like running away, get away from them and the way they looked at him.

"They wouldn't give me any trouble." Q snorted. "Not unless they wanted to think these things out themselves. And they had better not give you any trouble either."

"I'm surprised no one has forced me to give this back yet." Alec un strapped the watch he was wearing around his wrist. "But they will, so you might as well take it." He held it out to Q. "Non agents are not allowed to have agent equipment."

Q refused to take the dangling watch. He knew what had brought this on. Alec was feeling uncertain of what was happening, and it made him panic. Alec being a man of action had to do something, but here he was trapped.

"You never stopped being an agent as far as I am concerned." Q stated firmly. "And that watch has been outdated for so long that no one would think it a matter. That one no one would even think of taking from you." He snorted. "As for the rest, these are things I made before, that you were meant to have, I just finished them."

"I don't understand." Alec said and his hand holding the watch sank to his side.

Again James had to fight the urge to shake him. What had they done to his Alec, because he was not here. This was not the man he had worked with, and he wanted to leave this false Alec here with Q. He felt as if he had lost Alec all over again.

"I had orders to equip you with some new equipment." Q grinned. "That order was never cancelled. I've just modified it a little to fit the new needs."

Alec had to force himself not to fidget, he could feel that James was growing more and more resentful, and he knew that it was because of him. He could pick it up easily when they stood this close to each other.

James did not like the current situation, and Alec was well aware of it. He did not know what to do about it thought. His fist clenched around the watch in his hand as he tried to think, how he hated this weakness in himself. He never used to be this shaky, even as he had been fooled into becoming the evil master mind he had been able to keep his wits about him, and suddenly he knew what was bothering James. Or at least one of the things that had been bothering.

He detested how it was that Alec could be frozen by it, he no doubt wanted Alec to be like before, only Alec did not quite knew how he had been before. He only knew one thing. Before, he would not have been standing trying to squeeze the life out of a watch. He would have been curious about what Q had come up with this time.

If that was what James wanted of him he would try to go give him that. Drawing a deep breath he hoped would not be noted he stuffed the watch into his pocket, even now it felt wrong not to have it around his wrist, then he nodded to Q, he was as ready as he would be.

Q ignored the sour expression on James face, like if that would help with the situation. He did not care for it any more than James did, but taking it out on Alec just was not the right thing to do. He decided to move ahead with this, before James said anything stupid. It would have been preferable to have Alec alone for this, but he knew why James was with him.

He took out a new watch, one that looked pretty much identical to the one that Alec had been wearing. It looked identical to the one that James was wearing, thought this one, like Alec's previous one had a leather strap. While not quite as strong as the metal band James had, it suited Alec much better.

"This one has several new features." He told Alec. One was a signal that could be homed in on should they need to. If Alec went missing they would find him. That had been O'Moore's request. He quickly explained the features to Alec, he was a smart lad, he had always been one to catch on quickly. While some agents regularly misused the equipment, it had been a rare thing for Alec to use it the wrong way.

He handed Alec a slim metal pen. "Twist up the clip, and then two clicks fires a small stun arrow." He explained. It was something they had worked out, to give Alec a better chance of defence.

Alec looked at the pen in his hand, the image of a similar pen flashing before him, one that had exploded. He suppressed a shudder. "I doubt that I would need that." That pen had taken out the base, even if he now was glad for it, it made him feel strange to look at a pen that was just so much like it. He held it back towards Q again.

"What if they come after you again?" James demanded.

"I'd take my chances James." Alec said sadly. "And I doubt that there is not already precautions against that." He tapped the watch. Q had not told him about that one, but he was positive of it, and once he saw Q's expression, there really was no doubt.

"It is not an active signal." Q said slowly. "You have to make a lock on it, or it is impossible to track. It wont be used to keep track on you Alec, you have my word on that."

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Alec shrugged. "They would be fools not keeping track of me."

"Because you are a valuable asset, yes." Q turned it around. He took up a key ring from the table, it looked like an ordinary key ring, a leather strap with the metal logo of BMW attached to it. "This you should like Alec." Q smiled, demonstrating how the round logo could have half of it swung out on a small pin. One half had what looked like a small key on it, that could be folded out. "Makes it a lot easier to hotwire cars and such." He grinned. "Now if you wanted to you could use this other part to give a small electric charge."

Alec nodded, it was better than the pen. It did not come with the same memories that the pen had. Memories that he would much rather avoid.

One or two more trinkets and then Q was done. There was nothing more he could do to protect Alec, he hoped that it would be enough. He had no doubt that Alec would be able to use everything to its full capacity. Alec, like James was a devil for using everything to his advantage. He would be able to find a way to use it to get himself out of trouble, if he wanted to. That was what had Q worried, there was no way to make him want to. Alec was balancing a fine act there, and Q was afraid that he would falter.

James would no doubt do all he could to keep Alec from falling, but if he did it the wrong way he just might be the one to push him over. Once again James was the only one who had any real chance of succeeding, but this time the stake was higher than ever before.


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for all the help.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart

* * *

Chapter 5**_

Alec sat at the empty desk, the one that had once been his and watched James work. There was not much else for him to do. He could not help very much as he was no longer official working at the MI6, and he had no clearance. It made him feel useless to just sit and watch. Even if he was useless, knowing it and feeling it was two different things.

The desk only served to make it worse, because he could just recall it from before, he had no clear memory of it, but he knew by instinct what should have been where when he had it. He could not recall where he had kept the pens, but his hand reached for where they would be. It was a very weird thing.

He could not draw to mind a picture of how the room had looked before, but still he knew his way around the small office.

Feeling the need to be doing something he was sitting and fiddling with the new watch beneath the edge of the desk. Seeing how it was different from his old. He knew the old watch outside in by heart. It had been the same thing with the watch. He had known how to use it, but he had not been able to recall how he got it. It had been a surprise to see that James' was just like his. He had not expected that.

It was when he had been standing there as Janus, holding up the watch and comparing it to the one he wore that he had recalled how he had gotten his own. How it had felt when Q handed it to him, he had recalled Q, as a flash of memory. It had been very distracting. Then he had seen the pen, and he had known that it was Q, he had just known that it was him, even if he could barely recall what Q looked like.

"_How is old Q, still up to his usual tricks?" _He had said that, as a plea to James to tell him what Q's usual tricks was, because he did not know. James had not understood, and it had been to late then. Alec had chosen to go on, he could not seen any other option.

Had he asked James what was happening then, what he was doing, why he, Alec was doing this. Then James would have shot him, or his own men would have done it. There had been no choice but go on.

"Was it not you who always told me that it was dangerous to fiddle with Q's gadgets." James asked amused as he had been watching Alec fiddle with the watch.

"I don't know." Alec looked up, he looked surprised. "I don't know if I did."

"You did, all the time." James told him, and Alec would know. Alec would know just what could happen if you did.

"_Don't touch that Alec!" Q's voice, just a second to late._

"You always told me that one had to be careful, because there was no way to know if Q had been on something or not."

_Alec looked only surprised. He rarely did James noted, and it was an odd thought, but he did now. He looked surprised._

"It is hard to tell." Alec muttered. Comparing the two watches to each other. The only real difference was that one leather strap was worn and scratched, the other new and stiff.

_It had taken James by surprise as well. Alec rarely was like that, yet he had been distracted ever since the last mission. James did not know any details, but Alec was back and safe, acting a slight bit out of character yes, but James had assumed that all he needed was a day or two off. He himself was going out and so he had dragged Alec with him when he was going down to Q for equipment._

"Q is good at his work." James agreed. "It is the reason it works."

_Q was almost too good. While listening to James and Q arguing about the fact that Q wanted everything back in working order Alec had turned his attention to a small radio that stood on the work bench, Q rarely had any music or anything else playing in the workshop, but as this one was playing out a game of some sort Alec guessed that it was a one time occurrence. He was trying to distract himself from the memory of what had happened during his last mission._

_Hearing Q's voice and his name he had stopped, his hand on the radio, and then he had felt the impact. No pain, just impact, and it had been a surprise to see the metal spike lodged in his leg._

_He should have known better Q had stated, he usually knew better, so it was Q who later had dragged it out of him. That he had failed one part of the mission. He had succeeded with the main criteria, but he had failed to the extent that many innocent had died first._

_Something that played over and over in his head, then he had over heard someone saying that Double-oh-seven should have been sent instead of Double-oh-six, because he would have saved everyone._

_It had been to much even for him. It had been distracting, and he was lucky that it had been in Q's workshop and not on a mission._

_Q had told him how it was not his fault, and pointed out that had not Alec been there, done what he did, then all of them would have died, and there was no way to know that James could have done it any better, that anyone who said so was just jealous of him for being the one that worked with James._

"It works." Alec nodded. Maybe it was time to trust James with a few of those things. "I had this the whole time." He laid his old watch on the table. "I guess they never figured out what it was or they would have taken it from me, but they did not. I had it the whole time, and I knew all it could do." He looked James in the eye. "But I could not recall how I got it, not until I saw yours. Then I recalled the first time we were both given one." He looked at James. "Not what we were doing or anything, but when we got them."

"What do you remember." James asked, he had not thought about the fact that Alec still could not recall everything, it kept slipping from his mind.

"Not much, bits and pieces, a glimpse here ant there." Alec shook his head ruefully. "Sometime there is a flash of something, and sometimes I think I can recall something." He drew a deep breath. "I know that I kept the paper clips in the second drawer. Because we joked that ordinary men kept them in the first, and we were not ordinary. I know I kept them in the left front corner of the second drawer of this desk." He looked down. "But I can't recall ever having been sitting at this desk before. I can not recall one single time that I sat here, or what I was doing."

James started at him, if he had suffered that, he would be banging his head against the wall by now.

He wondered how Alec was able to take it.

"Maybe you wont believe it, but I am more or less used to it by now." Alec sighed. "The worst was the first time, because then I had nothing. Once you've gotten used to that you try to find something. You try to find something that you can relate to. It's not easy."

"It's very hard to believe that you would not recall anything of those years." James admitted. "I remember it all so clearly, everything we ever did together, I keep forgetting that you don't."

Alec nodded. "I know how close we were James, I know that feeling, but I can't recall what we did that made us so close." He shook his head. "I'm sorry James."

"It's not your fault Alec." James was not sure if it was the right thing to say. He did not know who was worse or better of. Himself for at least having the memory of before, but knowing all to well what he had lost. Or Alec, who just knew he had lost something very precious and might not ever get it back.

Alec sunk down in some quiet contemplating and remained that way until James decided that they had had enough for the day.

"Come on." He told Alec. "Time to close it up for the day."

Opposite him Alec did not move. He was still looking at the two watches, and James wondered how long he would have been sitting there, comparing new and old to each other, if he had been left to his own.

"Alec." He said softly. Years before if Alec had been this deep in though he would have called him Double-ooh-six, the code name would never fail to snap him out of it. To much was to important when they used those, but it would only be a cruel reminder at the current circumstances. He walked over to him, it appeared that no matter what he did he would startle Alec, there was no helping it.

"Alec." He laid a soft hand on Alec's shoulder. The younger man gave a start and there was a sharp intake of air.

"It's time to close up and go home." James told him gently.

Home, it meant that small room now. He knew that there was some time when he had lived in some other place, but he could not tell what it had been like.

He rose to his feet, wondering what James would do this time.

"Come on, I've got the car in the garage." James said and Alec stopped, looking at James. He guessed that James had given up the idea of not leaving him alone, but it was surprising that he had not said anything about it.

James threw a look over his shoulder. "Come on Alec." He urged on, not understanding why the other man stood still hesitating.

"I thought that I would go back." Alec said quietly.

"Yeah home." James turned to face him. "Your going with me Alec, what did you think?"

Alec almost felt like objecting, but what was the point, he had no life of his own now, and he would do better to get used to it. He trudged along after James, getting into the passenger seat without a word. He idly looked out the window as James tried to see if he could break the sound barrier as well as the speed limit.

Many would have been nervous over the speed they were travelling at, but it would take a lot more to make Alec nervous. Again it was the things he could not recall that weighed on his mind. He knew that he had travelling at higher speeds in cars before, he knew it. He knew that he himself had been handling the wheel some of those times, he knew that he had crashed at higher speeds. You would think that you would recall a car crash, but apparently he did not.

Since he got back he had grown to hate the whole amnesia thing more and more. There were endless movies and books where it made a funny situation. Where someone had amnesia, loss of memory, and there was laughter at every turn.

He'd be damned if he could see anything funny about it. What the hell was fun about not knowing anything about your own life.

It still made him angry to think about it.

"Alec, what's the matter?" Alec looked up with a start, James was regarding him worriedly. Then he saw James glance at the speed indicator, then let of the accelerator so that the car gently slowed down.

Alec tried to unclench his fists, rather, one hand was clenched into a fist, the other around his wrist. It was a surprise to see that he had been clenching his fingers so had around his wrist that he had begun to cut of circulation.

"Nothing." He muttered. 'Alec,' Like if he was even certain about that. It was familiar sure enough, but could he be certain that it was even his name. He supposed it was, because it was James who was calling him it. He recalled just enough to be certain that James would not lie.

"Alec." James said in that soft warning tone of his. A meaning full glance to the clear marks after Alec's fingers on his wrist. You did not leave marks like that if it was nothing.

"Never mind." Alec sighed. He was not sure whatever James would understand or not.

"Alec, what's wrong?" James gave him a serious look, one that was also filled with compassion. "You always used to be able to tell me what was bothering you."

"Did I?" Alec demanded, his temper flaring up. "Fortunate for me that you know that, for I've no bloody idea."

James sighed, he had not been aware that Alec was getting so tense about it, he had seemed more content before. During the years they spent together it had been a rare thing for Alec to lost his temper, it had only been a handful of times, but when it did happen you did not want to be coped up in a car with him. You needed more space around him, he needed more space. Alec would build up an anger that needed a release of some kind.

He was again clenching his hands into fists, and his knuckles was whitening. James said nothing more, not wanting to provoke him. Alec like himself was trained to keep his temper, and like himself it was all the more dangerous the few time he lost it.

He pulled up on the parking space and Alec closed the door with a soft controlled click. If he would lose the frail control he had on his temper it was better that he did it outside the flat James decided. He really could not blame him. Not after he had begun to realise how frustrating it would be.

He kept a few feet distance between them, enough that he would have time to see how Alec reacted.

"Alec." He started, he did not get any further, all the frustration that had been building up, all the despair and pain needed a release, and it was like a dam bursting under the pressure of a swelling river, and about as unsafe for everyone around it.

Alec flung himself forward with clenched fists and James caught him, parrying the first blow, and then working only to restrain. A few seconds of heat, and then it was over, the raging river had past them, and Alec slumped over.

James suddenly had to support his weight and nearly dropped him to the ground. He had not been prepared for that, nor for the way Alec clung to him. It was hard to even comprehend that Alec was clingy.

"Come on inside." He urged hauling him up to his feet and hoping he would stay that way. "You'll feel better once you've had a hot meal."

Alec did not argue, he was cold and he felt lost. At the moment he would have followed anyone.

James kept his grip on his arm, even as he unlocked the door. Then closed it, relocked the latch, and tried to set Alec upright on his own.

He gave up and steered him over to the couch. "I'll make you a cup of hot tea." He offered but Alec just shook his head.

"Water?" James asked. He was not sure, but he thought that he had been given some pain relief's, so he probably should not give him any alcohol, even if he felt as if he needed something himself.

Alec shook his head again, he was curling up partly in the corner of the couch. Leaning his head against the back of it, and pulling up his legs a little.

"I'm gonna make us something to eat Alec." James said, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable, and he did not like it. He went into the kitchen and broke two TV-dinners out of their package. It would do well enough and he put them into the oven. Neither he nor Alec had ever been much for domestically pursuits. They were masters of frozen dinners.

Alec however did not seem interested in his even as James put it down before him.

"You need to eat." James said softly.

"Not hungry." Alec muttered.

"You still need to eat." James pushed it closer to him. "Look here Alec, I really don't give a damn what happened during those years. Between Arkangel and here. It does not matter. But I want the Alec I knew before then back. I want my old Alec back."

"He's gone." Alec's temper seemed to flare up again and he pushed to his feet. "He wont come back James, he died when that bloody bastard pulled the bloody trigger. That Alec is dead James, dead!" Alec stood with clenched fists and shouted the last part of it. Then he closed his eyes and rubbed at his face with his hands. "He's gone, and all that's left of him is me."

James stood and pushed him back down on the couch.

"My Alec is not dead as long as I have you, he's still there somewhere." He spoke softly, soothingly he hoped. "Now eat Alec, you'll need all your strength."

Alec reluctantly ate a little of it. "I lied before." He said as he poked the food with his fork.

"About what?" James suddenly turned all his attention to him, if Alec had lied about anything he needed to know about it. The safety of MI-6 could be on the line for all he knew.

"The worst part was not the first." Alec said, eyes on the food he was poking in. "It was bad, really bad, but this is worse. It is like having my old life dangling in front of my nose. Letting me see what I lost, but not letting me reach it. This is worse than every other part of it."

"You will get it back." James tried to sound confident.

"No James, it's gone forever." Alec dropped the fork with a disgusted look. "Where had you intended to let me sleep?" He asked.

"I've still got the guestroom." James said before he could stop himself, he should have formulated himself different. Not saying it in that way that let Alec know that it was yet another thing he could not remember. He motioned to the door and Alec disappeared inside. Not being able to stand James looking at him any longer. Yes, he was fleeing from what he could not face, and he was not particularly proud over it. On the other hand he did not care either. He dropped down on the bed that should be familiar, looked up at a ceiling he should have recognized, and all he wanted to do was weep.

James out in the other room sat in the couch, listening to the sounds of Alec tossing and turning as sleep seemed to elude him. He tried to recall words of comfort that he knew he had heard from his parents and his aunt, but he none of them covered this situation.

He felt certain that there was something he could have said that would have given Alec some comfort, and yet he had failed to recall them and say them. Maybe Alec would have fallen into an easier sleep if he had heard that James still saw him as Alec, maybe a changed Alec, but still the same Alec.

He did not see the heavily scared cheek of Janus, he saw the hurt that had been bestowed on his friend, but how could he tell Alec that?

* * *

Alec was jerked out of his sleep by a rough shaking, he tried to throw the offender off, but whomever it was, was strong.

"Alec, Alec, stop it, its me."

Alec heard the words, but he was not able to figure out what it meant, or who was screaming. Instead he tried to get away.

"Alec. Calm down, its me, James."

'James.' The word caught Alec's attention and he stopped struggling for a moment. The room was dark, it was hard to see anything in the shadows, all he knew was that he was lying on a bed, and that someone was holding him down. His arms was pressed down to his chest by the weight of the man hanging over him. He tried to twist to the side to get free.

"Alec, wake up dammit." James called, and finally Alec realised that it was James. It was James who was holding him down, and he stopped struggling.

James sank down on the mattress beside him, sighing tiredly as he let go of him. "Are you awake now."

"Yeah." Alec mumbled, he did not know what was going on and eased over against the wall as he propped himself up on his elbows, cautiously.

"You were screaming in your sleep Alec, woke me up. And then you wouldn't wake up but started fighting me. Did you have a nightmare or what?" He rubbed a tiered hand over his face, it had been a hard fight with Alec.

"I don't think so." Now Alec was able to take in more of his surroundings, he was on the bed alright, but he was lying on top of the very rumpled cover, and he was not undressed either, he had not even taken of his shoes he realized. Even when he was drop dead tiered he always tried to do that.

James snorted. "You were screaming really loud, if you weren't having a nightmare, what was going on?" He asked.

"I don't know." Alec shook his head. "I did not think I was dreaming James, I don't remember dreaming."

"Well, you must have been." James snorted again. "Screaming like that you'd think someone was torturing you. Then when I tried to wake you up you started fighting me."

"I'm sorry, I did not know it was you." Alec pulled himself up against the wall, leaning against it while he looked at James.

"I was calling your name Alec." James frowned. "You were gone."

"I'm sorry." Alec hung his head and wrapped his arms around himself.

"That's what you get for sleeping on an empty stomach." James chided him. "It gives you bad dreams, now, do you want to eat something before you go back to sleep."

"No." Alec shook his head. There was a queasiness in the pit of his stomach. One that would reject any attempts at eating.

"Alec, Alec." James shook his head. "You're gonna make yourself sick that way, no wonder you were having nightmares."

"I just want to sleep James." Alec swallowed, he hated it when James sounded like he was scolding him. It made him feel as if he had done something wrong and James was now angry at him.

"Like that." James snorted. "Fully dressed, really Alec, I'm less and less surprised that you were having nightmares. If you wont eat, then at least undress before you sleep."

Alec tried to swallow the lump in his throat and nodded. "I'm sorry." He managed. He sat up and started pulling his shoes off under James scrutinizing eye.

"Never mind." James realised that this might not be the best time to scold him and stood to leave the room.

Alec slowly shed his clothes when he was alone, bundled them up and placed them on a chair. Curling up on the mattress and pulling the cover over him, it was cold, he was shivering. He wished there had been an extra blanket or something in the room, but he could not see any. He curled up tighter trying to warm the bed, wishing he did not feel so awful.

This time the nightmares was only to vivid. Not only did they seem real, even as he slept he knew that it was real. He was dreaming of the torture sessions he had once been subject to. That month he had spent as a captive once had left him with plentiful experiences of torture. He had learnt about the pain from the masters, and it had been a full month before James had gotten him out of it. By then Alec had thought that noting could hurt more.

Now he dreamt about it, and the worst part of those dreams was that James was in them, not getting him out of there as he had done once, but standing there and watching Alec suffer. Shaking his head in bewilderment over what Alec was doing to himself.

For it was himself, it was the scared face of Alec as Janus who was torturing the unmarred face of the young Alec, the one that had been shot at Arkangel.

This time Alec woke himself with his screams of terror.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for all the help.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

_Chapter 5_

The sun shining in through the window woke Alec up in the morning. He felt as tiered as he would after a sleepless night. He dressed and pondered what he should do, sit on the bed and wait for James to get him, or go out into the rest of the apartment. He was not sure if going out would be invading on James space, and he was not sure if he was ready to do it or not either.

As he stood trying to come to a decision the door to the room opened. He looked up to see James in the doorway.

"Good, your up. Come on, we've got to grab breakfast before going." James said, turning around as he spoke. Alec followed, feeling uncomfortable. There was scrambled eggs in a pan on the stove, not burnt, but getting there unless they were removed from the heat soon. James took them off and scoped them up on two plates, there was a few pies of toast on each plate as well. The coffee machine seemed to be ready and James filled two mugs.

Taking one mug and a plate and sitting down at the table, Alec followed his example, sipping the coffee and generally poking around in the food.

James ate fast as they had no time to dawdle, and then he looked up and saw Alec's plate mostly untouched.

"Alec, what are you doing?" He demanded. "Eat, you were screaming the whole night waking me up. Are you trying to get yourself sick or what?"

"I'm just not hungry James." Alec shrugged and poked the scrambled eggs.

James snorted. "You are being bloody stupid if you ask me. You've got more sense than this Alec, you know you need to eat, and there's no reason for not doing it."

"I just cant do it." Alec dropped the fork and turned his eyes down to the table.

"Alec, its not something challenging." James stated. "Its food, all you have to do is eat it, how hard can that be."

"James, please." Alec choked. He was starting to feel more and more sick with it. If James did not stop that soon he would be sick. His stomach was beginning to revolting.

"No Alec, you listen to me now." James went on. "I don't get it what you think that you can accomplish this way, but you've got to see some sense here."

That was it, something in Alec's stomach revolted, and made it clear to him what was happening, and what he had to do about it.

"Alec." James voice called after him as he bolted from the table in the direction of the bathroom.

"I told you, you would make yourself sick." James chided tiredly as he soaked a towel and passed it to Alec. "You should have listened to me Alec."

Alec choked down a sob of despair, why could not James see that it was he who were making him sick. Not from any intent to do so, but from an inability to understand. He no longer knew what to do. Before James had been his saviour, and now he had to get away from him. He wiped his face with the towel, and then rinsed out his mouth with cold water.

His stomach felt like a tight knot, one that was also a deep pit of acid, his head had started throbbing when he dispelled of his stomach contents, and he felt really wretched. He just wanted to go back to bed and curl up.

"Come on now Alec." James urged. "We've got to get going now. I want to get you to the infirmary and get you checked over."

"No, I don't want to go there." Alec swallowed, just the thought of having to go there and be poked and prodded all over again sent his belly on another rampage, and he had to fight a dry heave.

"You are going to, I think you're really getting sick." James sounded worried. He was not sure when it had happened, but it could be that the vomiting spell was connected to the lack of appetite. Alec would not be hungry if he was sick. Alec had always found it very difficult to eat if he was sick, or ill from having been hurt. He could get himself malnourished during a fever spell if no one made him eat.

James had teased him about it many times, because of the old chicken soup remedy, soup was one of the things that was the easiest to make him eat. He recalled a time when Alec had lived on soup, tea and toast. He thought that it had been for about a month, after a mission that had not gone as planned.

When Alec finally got well he had been so thin James had been really worried. What had made James furious was that he had been sent on a new mission within a week that time. They were not supposed to go out unless they were in good enough shape for it, but apparently Alec had been cleared, and James still thought that they had risked him unnecessarily.

He had been terrified of losing Alec to some pointless thing, and being forced to be without him. Afterwards he had forced Alec to take a few weeks of, and had made sure that he relaxed and regained his strength by eating and sleeping. Alec had done the same for him several times, and it was when he himself was ill that he missed that silent and compassionate Alec beside him.

Considering all the times they had done this for each others, why was Alec resisting him now? Avoiding his touch and gaze, he could not understand it.

"I'm fine." He muttered.

"I don't believe it." James stated as he waited for Alec to get out the door first. "You don't puke your guts out when your fine."

"Im fine if you'd only leave of the bloody lecture!" Alec suddenly snapped as he spun around. "Listening to your bloody nagging about it is making me sick."

"Easy Alec." James took a step backward. "I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need that kind of help." Alec turned again so he had his back towards James. "Why can't you understand that James? It's only making everything worse."

"If you're saying that you think you'd be better off if I did not try to make your eat or anything, then you're right, I don't understand it." James shook his head, afraid that Alec would snap in anger like he had done the night before.

"It's in my head the problem is, and they cant fix that, no one can fix that." Alec turned tortured eyes to him as they were both in the car.

James nodded, that sounded more like something he recognized from his old friend before. This was more like the Alec that had been his closest friend, the one that could at least give half a reason to what was going on.

"I'll make you a deal Alec." He said slowly. "I won't drag you over to the infirmary, I'll trust your word that you're not ill, if you promise you'll eat lunch."

"I promise that I'll try to." Alec said tiredly.

James tried not to smile, that was exactly the kind of answer Alec would have given him before Arkangel, and it was looking more and more as if he would get his Alec back. It was certainly looking more hopeful.

Alec looked out the car window, the speed they were travelling at did not bother him the slightest. James was in full control of the car. Unlike Alec who was not in control of anything.

In all the movies where someone got amnesia that Alec has seen the same thing happened. Whoever had taken the blow to the head woke up saying _"Who am I."_ It was not like that, not at that all. It had taken him some time to even figure it out, because at first he had taken for granted that he knew who he was.

He felt himself starting to wake up, and he just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. The pounding hammer or rampaging elephant description of hangovers was nothing compared to how his head felt. It was a pain beyond his ability to describe, and it was not only his head, it was his whole bloody body. He tried to estimate exactly which parts of his body hurt, and it certainly seemed as every part with no exceptions.

Deciding that he had to establish whatever there was one place where he did not hurt or not he figured out that he had to make an examination. Since it was clear how badly his head hurt he started there and worked downwards.

His throat was raw, and both breathing and swallowing hurt, no mere sore throat either, it felt more like a scorched throat. His shoulders hurt, as did his back, chest and stomach. He thought that his left arm hurt, but mostly it was just stiff, numb and heavy. He tried to move his fingers, and he was not sure whatever anything really happened or not. The right arm definitely hurt very much, so he left it at that. Wiggling his toes made pain flare all the way up to his groin, and so the lower part of his body clearly hurt as well. Thought the left leg had the same kind of odd stiff, heavy and numb feeling that he was already starting to despise.

So, now he knew that every part of hid body actually did hurt, and as useful as that piece of information had seemed before, he was not sure where it would get him now. The next logical move would be to open his eyes, but since his earlier idea had really done no good, he doubted that would either.

At the best he would only confirm that he had gotten really mangled somehow, and at the worst he would find out just how badly mangled he was. He opted for a compromise, he would not open his eyes, he would open one eye and see if it was safe. There seemed to be some flaw in that plan, for one thing it seemed very illogical to just open one eye, and he would no doubt look silly doing it, but it was the only compromise he could think of. Thinking hurt.

_His brain hurt, and he had not known that the brain could be experiencing pain, but then again there was headaches, and that was in a way the brain hurting. _

_Still he had three options, and he had to take one of them, for there really was no other way. He could just wait and hope that eventually something would happen, only he might miss it because he was still lying there with his eyes closed, lying, that had to be taken into the calculations, he was lying down._

_On the other hand, he had just woken up, and it was normal for you to be lying down when you woke up, so he ignored that again. _

_The second option was just opening his eyes and get it over with. Maybe not so prudent, but it would certainly give him some information. _

_The third option was to open one eye, and try to see if it would be safe enough to open the other one, more prudent than the second option, and it would get more result than the first one. It was sounding more and more tempting as contrary to seeming like a silly thing to do. _

_He might as well do it now that he had made up his mind to do it, stalling for time by trying to come up with votes for in favour of and against was rather pointless when there was only one of you to argue both sides. _

_He tried to open his eye, and there was several possibilities that occurred to him as to cover the situation. He could have been swallowed by a giant whale fish, thought that seemed most unlikely. Besides, was there not supposed to come in light from that breathing hole they liked to play fountain with?_

_Next possibility was that he was inside some other blacker than pit or pitch place, or somehow inside an actual pit of pitch. It would certainly explain why it was as dark as in one, given that a pit of pitch was really pitch black and that was not merely an expression. _

_Seeing as how the every part of his body hurt expression had been proven as the truth he was willing to accept it as a possibility. _

_So, he might be in a pit of pitch, and if not, well, any place that was as dark as one would also qualify. He was not really sure if there were any places that was as dark as one, but there had to be, according to common belief it was that deep in mine pits, and that really tipped the odds in favour of one pit or another. It was just a question of what kind of pit. _

_The thing was that it was hard to tell if it was that dark, or if his opening an eye attempt had failed. To be on the safe side he should really try opening the other eye. He did not know why he thought it would make a difference, but for some odd reason, he decided to give it a try. The reason was so odd that he was not even willing to try and track it down, and hen it had to be really bad. _

_This time he could see a white blur, and was not that odd. Even more odd than the reasoning for opening his other eye, and now there was a frightening thought. _

_For some reason only his left eye worked, that would most certainly mean trouble, he had two eyes, so logically both of them should work. It was however a proven fact and no use to argue about it. Especially not when he still did not have anyone else to argue with. _

_On the brighter note, the white blur was beginning to dissolve into various blur shapes. One of which resembled a room, he supposed it resembled the room he was in, as that would be logical. That ruled out the pit thought, and most certainly the whale fish, but he could live with that. _

_The next blurry shape to un-blur enough for him to see what it was, was a door, one seemingly located in the wall. Two logical things in a row, things was beginning to look brighter. _

_The room had a certain cell look over it, faded and cracked paint, nothing more than the mattress he lay on, that was something he had not noticed before, so maybe trying to open his eyes had been a good idea after all. If he had not, he would have had no idea that he was lying on a mattress, no matter how rugged it looked. _

_He tried to look down on his own body to see what was going on with it, but his neck hurt to much for him to bother about it to much. What he could see was covered with a blanket anyway, and the blanket did not say much about the condition of his body. Not that blankets tended to be very talkative, but they could give a way a hint. Such as the rope that was coming out from under it. _

_That was most interesting, at first he had assumed that the mattress was placed on the floor, but it was not, it was raised by a couple of inches, and there was a rope around it, disappearing in under the blanket. _

_It was a crazy world when people tied up a mattress. Unless they had tied him up, and he did not care much for that train of thoughts, even if it would explain why it was so hard to move. It seemed he had to chose between an unpleasant train of thoughts, and a good explanation. _

_There was no point in denying that he was tied up though, at least not enough for him to bother about it. _

_Something, supposedly a key rattled in the lock, and he turned his eyes to the door. _

_The door opened as doors tend to do, and the man standing there was about as handsome and pleasant to look at as the common dead fish. _

"_Awake now." The man snorted. "Took your time,"_

"_My pardon, it was not intentional." He answered, he had no idea who this guy was, but he did not think he looked to be pleasant company. Best to play it safe until he knew more about the situation. Common sense told him as much. _

"_I'm sure it was not." There was that snort again. "What were you up to?" He demanded._

"_I'm not sure about that." He admitted. "Don't see how I was able to be up to anything at all, for as far as I can tell I'm rather tied down, why?" He asked. There was no particularly reason that he was aware about. "And, who are you?" He might as well ask that at the same time, he would have to ask the question sooner or later anyway. _

"_As if you wouldn't know that."_

_Did the guy ever say anything without snorting? He was beginning to think that he did not._

"_I don't. I wouldn't ask if I did." He pointed out. "What's been going on here."_

"_We had a visit from Double-ooh-six and Double-ooh-seven." _

_Okay, so the man leered as well, that was good to know. _

"_Double-ooh-seven got away, but we caught the other bastard." The man grinned. _

"_That's good." He nodded. "You have my congratulations." The guy had a very clear Russian dialect, but that was all he could tell. _

"_Is that supposed to be funny?" The man demanded. _

"_If it was it was clearly a failure." His head was hurting to much for this. "I'm tied to a bloody mattress, my head hurts more than I thought possible, and I don't know what else is wrong, either tell me what's going on, or leave me, cause I'm sure I can be miserable enough on my own."_

_The man gave him a curious look, as if taking him in and assessing him. "I am __Ourumov__ do you know me?"_

"_If I did I wouldn't bother asking." He said tiredly. _

"_I'm not so sure that you wouldn't." Ourumov was smiling smugly. "So you don't know who Double-ooh-seven is?" He asked. "Or Double-ooh-six."_

"_Never heard of them before." He shrugged, it was a bad idea with the kind of headache he had. "Now, this is all very interesting, but would you mind telling me why the hell I'm tied to a filthy mattress?"_

"_It was for your own safety." The man said. "We could not have you hurt yourself." _

"_Why would I?" He demanded. _

"_You were hurt, If you had tried to get up before someone could get here to you, you have gotten seriously injured."_

"And you tie me up for that?" He demanded. "You don't think I'd noticed anyway."

There was one thing he had not noticed, not for a long time, he did not know who he were. Not his name, not where he came from, he knew nothing.

That was when they had been there, ready to tell him everything about himself, and he had believed them. After having heard something enough times you believed it.

When they removed the bandage from his face they were amazed he was not blind on the eye, not to mention that it did not look worse than it did. The area around his eye was discoloured and badly swollen. Apparently there was a crack in the bone underneath his flesh, and it sure felt like it. It was a very long time when the slightest touch there hurt.

Yet the scar had come later. He had not had it when he woke up. The scar that made him look so horrid had not been there then. Alec was no stranger to scar, and none of his scars had ever bothered him before, but this scar did. It was the first thing anyone ever saw when they looked at him. It could not be hidden, not like the ones on his arms and legs was almost always hidden by his clothes.

No, that scar was always there in plain view, and even if he did not show it, Alec hated the sight of it.

The person they had moulded him to had begun to take over who he really was, had taken over, and now, he was supposed to find whom he had been again. He was not sure he could do that.

He had not trained the younger agents since the attack, and now he doubted that he would do it again either.

He followed James without bothering to see where they were going. It did not matter anyway.

"I need to speak with M, will you wait outside?" James suddenly asked, and Alec looked up.

They were outside M's office, and this time there was a women seated at the desk, one who half glared at James as he winked at her.

Alec nodded, he would wait. James disappeared into the office. Outside M's office, with Moneypenny behind the desk he was not afraid that anything would happen to Alec, she had always seemed to like him, she'd keep an eye on him.

"How are you doing Alec?" The women behind the desk asked.

Alec had not expected her to say anything, so he looked at her surprised.

"I know how difficult James can be." She went on. "I know that very well, but try not to let him get to you, he'd never hurt you intentionally. Your everything to him."

"Who are you?" He asked, he could not recall ever having seen her before. She had not been there earlier when he spoke with M.

"It's me, Moneypenny." She said, giving him a sad and surprised look. "Don't you remember me Alec?"

"No, have I met you before?" He tried to find anything familiar about her, but could not. Moneypenny, he recalled Moneypenny. He recalled what he had said to mock James, but then it had just been a word to him, not a real person. Just something he knew would get James attention.

"Yes." She sighed and smiled at him sadly again. "I was here before Alec, with you and James."

"Oh." It was the only thing he could think of to say, or he said if because he could not think about anything at all to say.

"Don't worry about it Alec." She smiled again, and this time not sad at all. "It was a pleasure to get to know you, it will be so again." She knew about his amnesia, but she had hoped he would remember her.

"Everyone gets annoyed because I can't remember things." He said cautiously. "Are you saying that it doesn't bother you?"

"I'm saying that I won't take out on you what's not your fault." She smiled at him again.

"Are you sure your not gonna be ranting about wanting the 'old' Alec back?" He asked as he walked closer to the desk.

"He is back, James brought him back some time ago, and that's the best thing he ever did. I'm not gonna be complaining about the fact that you've changed Alec, I could not care less, I never thought I would see you again." She spoke softly and seriously, and Alec found himself relaxing. There was no pressure of having live up to something there.

She sighed a little. "Don't listen to much to what James says, he's getting himself worked up over you, he worries about you, and he wont admit it. But he always did, whenever the two of you were separated he was near impossible to deal with, he cant handle the fact that you might be suffering, and he does not know what to do about it."

"How do you know that?" He asked curiously.

"I've worked here for many years Alec." She laughed lightly. "And all the time James is here, flattering me and making suggestions, trying to get me to his bed, I know him quite well by now. Once when you were missing he made this place impossible to be in, demanding that we do something, that he would be allowed to go after you." She shook her head over the memory that came to mind. "He changed after Arkangel, because he thought he had lost you, he blamed himself then, and now he does it again."

"Why would he blame himself?" Alec could not understand it, James always did his best, did he not? No one could do more than that.

"I think he does it more now than before." The way Alec looked made her want to stand up, circle the desk and embrace him. It was not a wise thing to get attached to the agent, they died more often then you wanted to think about, but she had started to care for Alec immediately.

"He was heart broken when he came back and reported you had died." Moneypenny went on. "Because he had seen them shoot you, he thought that he should have done something more about it, kept telling himself that there was some way he could have saved you. Now when you are alive but hurt he's telling himself that again."

"I don't think there was any way he could have gotten me out of there." Alec shook his head thoughtfully. "I don't remember it, but James' the best, if there was any way, he would have done it. There can't have been anything he could have done."

"As long as you are back safe now." She smiled again. "If he nags you to much I'll have a word with him about it." She said jokingly, yet there was enough seriousness in the voice that he realised this was someone who would listen if he needed someone to talk with about it. There was now three people beside James that he knew still cared for him.

"He's putting up with a lot for me." He said, making that excuse for James. "It cant be easy for him, having to deal with me. Everyone here thinks I am a real traitor, and they'll take it out on him as well."

"I've seen you do that and more for him Alec. Don't worry about that, James can look after himself, and he makes sure everyone knows it."

Alec allowed himself to smile, James was the best, and yes, he made sure that everyone knew it as well.

"I still don't see why he would want to burden himself with me, why would he risk so much, for me." He shook his head. He did not like it how he was unburdening himself to someone he did not know all that well. There was no way for him to know if she spoke the truth about having known him before. Could he really have been an agent when he was so far below James standard.

"Nothing gets better because you talk like that." She said slowly. She looked up as the door to M's office opened and James came out. It was impossible to tell what they had been talking about, for both were expressionless, and M's glance at Alec could have been mere curiosity. After all, it lay in her interest to know what was going on with Alec, he was her responsibility.

James looked at the two of them, Moneypenny behind her desk, and Alec in front of it. Moneypenny could see the warm friendship and fondness in his eyes, but could Alec? He was the one who needed to see it.

Moneypenny gave him a look that told him to keep good care of Alec, not wanting to say anything like that in front of him. It would not be fair to do Alec to do that. She liked Alec, she had always though of him as one of her favourite agents, certainly better than James. Alec did not have any of his superior attitude.

James had always been trying to seduce her, Alec had always stood back smirking when he was at it. Alec's biggest charm had always been that he was more shy and sensitive then James, and it had made many of the women who rejected James, take Alec instead.

"Come on now Alec, I have a lot of paperwork to deal with." James shook his head. "Its been piling up for ages, and this is a good time to deal with it."

Alec gave it a brief thought, one more day of sitting at the desk and do nothing but watch James work, it was not something he looked forward to with great enthusiasm. In fact he would much rather avoid it.

There was however not many options available to him. It was not much he wanted to know, and there was not much he was allowed to do.

"I'll head down to Q instead." He said. "He said I could come by anytime, and that way I wont be distracting you."

"You wouldn't be distracting me." James stated. "But sure, if that's what you'd rather do."

Alec nodded and James steeled himself to let him go on his own. He did not want to, it was on his way from Q he had been attacked after all. On the other hand, he should have a better means of defence now, and they knew where to look for him, he had to allow Alec a few moments on his own. He would however make sure that Q new Alec was coming. If he did not show up, they would know to search for him.

**TBC**

_Please leave a review, the Cricket is hungry_


	7. Chapter 7

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

7 

Alec entered the domains and looked around for the master, Q. He could not spot him immediately, but that was not unusual. The workshop was huge, it was impossible to see everything at first glance when you came in there, it just could not be done. No one of the workers really cared about him as he moved further inside. He had always been good at finding Q in the chaos.

He always seemed to know where to look for him. Even now, without knowing why, he took a turn to the left immediately inside and ventured deeper. There were not many of the other workers in the area, most of them was only paying attention to their own work anyway. This was a place where no one had any opinion about him, there was no one here who recalled him, or his supposed defect.

No one here had been here at the time when he was still an agent, and they did not bother much about the agents anyway. James was known, especially because of what always seemed to happen when you let him anywhere near a moving vehicle of any kind. Alec had been his partner, and most knew him as James shadows, the one who was not as good, but always there with him.

He approached a not to stable looking concoction of ladders, gangways, and whatever that allowed the workers to reach higher on some cylindrical object. A loud banging sound above him snapped him out of his thoughts, and he stopped to see something clattering to the floor in front of him. He looked down to see a hammer lying on the floor a foot or so in front of where he was standing.

Alec picked it up as he gazed curiously upwards, he could see Q there, looking down.

"Is this your wrench?" He asked, recalling their banter from before. At least he could recall everything that had happened after Arkangel.

"Alec, you foolish,.." Q broke of, not finding the words. "That thing could have brained you, didn't you hear me shout for you to watch out?"

"No." Alec shook his head, not sure what was happening now. Q was rapidly climbing down one of the ladders to the floor.

"I shouted to you to stay back, because I did not want you to get your head bashed in if something should fall." Q said in a slightly sarcastic tone as he came up to Alec. "You see, if something falls from a long way up, it also falls a long way down, and it hits all the harder for it."

"I did not hear, I'm sorry." Alec said apprehensively.

"Never mind Alec." Q waved his hand in an dismissive manner. "It did not hit you so it does not really matter, but this is not a good place to be lost in thoughts in."

Alec nodded ruefully, he had a vague memory that said Q was right, and there was that thing James had said earlier. Something about what happened in Q's workshop at times.

"I'm glad to see you back, thought you don't look like you are doing to well at the moment Alec."

"Considering the circumstances I would say I am doing as well as I deserve." Alec frowned. "It's the only thing I hear. That I'm not doing well, that I'm not taking care of myself, that I don't seem to know what is going on. Is it really so surprising?" He asked shaking his head.

Q sighed. "I guess it is. I'm sorry Alec, but you know the stupidity of men." He gave the much younger man a sad smile. "I'll try not to do it though, you have my word on that."

Alec nodded, he was grateful for it.

Q grinned again. "Come on, were gonna find you something to do." Working with his hands was something he knew made Alec feel better.

* * *

Q looked up as he saw James entering, come for Alec no doubt. It was a very difficult situation, and for once he did not doubt that James did his best. Alec meant to much to him for anything else.

No, James would be most careful about this, and there was Alec, he had looked up and seen James as well.

Before he would have grinned and either gone to meet him, or waved and shouted a greeting, now he was edging away. Shuffling back to an odd corner where he hoped he would be overlooked. Q noted that his skill at stealth was still intact.

"Alec is here, right?" James asked worriedly as he came up to Q but still could not see Alec anywhere.

"He's here." Q nodded. It was disturbing to see Alec sneak away from the one man he had always trusted the most. Alec trusted James blindly, figuratively, and even once literally. Yet he had shied away in the vain hope of avoiding this. "He's under a lot of pressure James, its wearing him down. I'll talk with him thought." He turned around before James could say anything about it.

Alec was standing behind a blast absorbing wall. His expression was blank, the chaos was in his eyes, Alec was trying to get a grip of himself, and maybe he had not sneaked away so much to hide as to compose himself.

"He wants your best." Q said softly.

Alec nodded. "I can't give that to him." He said shaking his head.

"He does not wait for you to give it to him Alec, he'll fight for it. Just give him the chance to do so." Q smiled at Alec. "This is your biggest fight Alec, your biggest challenge, you'll do well." A brief pat to his shoulder, then Alec headed over to James again. Determined that he would be stronger.

When he stood there he had watched James, and he had seen a glimpse of the agent that had been his best friend before. If James still had remains of that time in him, then certainly Alec had as well, if he could just recall what it was like.

He was however now more determined that he would come out on top, well, Q had said that it was a fight. If it so was, then James and Alec was a team that could not be defeated.

He did recall how everyone had said that.

* * *

This time Alec accepted the tv-dinner that James made him. Trying to eat as much as possible of it. They did not really speak, James had turned on the telly for distraction, and it worked well enough for the both of them.

"Alec, there is no work tomorrow." James said softly. "What do you want to do?"

"I'm not even sure if I should really leave the base like this, I doubt I'm supposed to go anywhere else." Alec shrugged.

"Those rules only apply to us if we want them to." James grinned. "What do you say about a ride country side?"

"The old classical Sunday ride?" Alec noted with a small grin.

"Something like it." James agreed. "But they did not have a Porsche in mind when they cam up with that expression."

"Most likely not." Alec agreed. "Sounds as good as anything else." He was not sure about it, but he was beginning to feel coped up. He hated not being able to move around as he pleased. Not to mention how long he had been away from England. He loved this country, it was his, not matter where his parents had come from.

It was the one thing that he did recall, England. No details, nothing about where he had been and not been, but he remembered England, just like he remembered how to speak and walk. He knew that there were different forms of amnesia, he had known it before, and they had told him about it after they were sure he could not recall anything.

It had been so easy for them. With Alec unable to recall who Double-Ooh-Seven were, let alone Six, it had been so easy for them to mould him into what they wanted him to be. There had been torture there at some time during those years, but he only had vague memories of that. They told him it was England who had done it, but now he was not so sure. It sounded more like something they would have done to him, blamed England for to set him against them.

He recalled one thing from that torture session, the fire that seared into his face. Only now he could not imagine James doing such a thing to him. As to use the red hot poker to burn his face away.

He relaxed in the passenger seat in the Porsche, some found speed frightening, Alec found it relaxing. This was England outside the window, ah, how he had missed this. Speeding across the country side, and see the very reason why he had chosen to risk his life. It was not loyalty to his parents, his father had shoot himself and his mother in front of his yes, the child Alec had been there and seen them fall.

He was to young to remember much of it, but not to young to remember the fear.

He did not feel much loyalty to the father that had left the child all alone in the world, if he had not been found when he where, he would have starved to death. It was England then that had at least stepped in and cared for the child. Even if they had hid the truth from him. It was not his hatred for England that had made him Janus, it was what they had made him into that had made him Janus.

They were cruel, he could not resist them in all eternity, and he had broken thinking that it was England that was his enemy.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" James asked with a smile as he shifted gear.

Alec nodded briefly, he was trying to work some things out. How foolish he had been, James had been shocked to see his face, the scar on his cheek. He would not have been so shocked by it if he had known it would be there.

He needed to talk to someone about that memory, but not James, he thought as he watched him. James handled the car expertly, well, all the agents were trained to be able to drive fast. It was just that not all of them did it even when not on an assignment. A hundred and fifty miles an hour against a rock wall had been one of the most popular guesses how the two of them would die. Even more popular was that they would die together, since they were so often teasing each other. Trying to get the one in the passenger seat nervous.

Old habits die hard, James was inducing the speed slowly. Alec noted how it was a nice open stretch of road. He could not help but smile as the engine worked harder. James wanted to see if he could get him nervous, but the years on the wrong side had not made Alec more nervous than before. This competition felt familiar to him. He loved that if nothing else.

It made him smile in that way that would normally have had James laughing and calling him his eternal schoolboy. Because Alec had that look over him when he smiled. The scars on his cheek made him look very different, and James could not see them without flinching inside. Yet he would not appear repulsed by them.

If he showed any disgust over those scars, hesitated to touch them, then that would hurt Alec. He knew that. Scars was not a new concept to them, and they were not the kind of men who fretted over scars did to their looks. The only time had been when James hesitated touch a new scar on Alec's arm, it had been so fresh and raw that James had been afraid it might be painful. Alec had given him a slightly hurt look, and then glanced at his own arm with a slight disgust. As if it was something to disgusting for James to want to deal with.

James did not want to do that again. He did not want to see that look in Alec's green eyes as if he wondered if James would repel at him for it. Alec was always a tad more insecure in his own worth than the others. Not in his own ability, but in his own worth when they looked at him. Alec had to be the best out of fear that no one wanted him if he did not.

Some of the tension between them did however seem to ease off as they drove. Alec was relaxing and James was truly enjoying himself.

The next day as James headed for his desk Alec halted him. "I have something I need to ask Moneypenny."

"Okay, well, just come down when you are done." James said thoughtfully. Trying to figure out what Alec might need to talk with her about.

"Okay." Alec nodded, James still did not want to let him go off on his own, but with the gadget Q had made that could track him, he allowed it.

Alec hesitated slightly as he approached Moneypenny, for some reason he felt uneasy about heading that way. Even if she had told him that he could come to her to talk. For some reason he did not want to ask Q or O'Moore about this. He wanted to hear the answer from her, but it was as if he did not want to get close enough to her desk. He had felt the same way every time he was going to M.

He supposed that it might have something to do with the fact that her desk was just outside M's office.

She looked up when she heard someone coming. "Alec." She greeted with a smile. "How are you doing?"

"Good given he circumstances I think." He shrugged as he stepped closer. "You said I could come and talk with you." He added hesitantly.

She nodded and smiled at him.

"I want to ask you something." Alec shifted nervously.

"Okay Alec, I'll do my best to answer." She had a feeling that it would be a fairly complicated question.

Alec took a deep breath, he had to ask this, but it was not easy. "You said that James would never hurt me intentionally?" He asked hesitantly.

"Never Alec." She shook her head. "James loved you Alec, he did not want to work with anyone else at first, but once he got to know you he would not work with anyone else. He would never do anything that he knew would hurt you."

Alec nodded slowly, he was trying to figure something out, and it was not easy. "He would never do this to me?" He asked, brushing over his scared cheek with his fingertips.

"No." Moneypenny shook her head, looking slightly upset as well as sad. She stood and came across the desk. Lightly brushing her own hand over the scars. "He would never do that to you Alec. He would kill anyone he saw doing it to you."

Alec turned his gaze down for a moment. "They made me think it was him." He said in a whisper. "I don't remember much of it, but they were torturing me, they told me it was England, that it was James. They made me think it was them when they were doing it. That it was James who burned my face with that thing." He choked on his own voice. Recalling a hazy memory of being tied down while they held it to his cheek, rough hands pressing his head down. He could not get away from the burning metal, and he had been so sure it was James holding it.

"Oh, Alec." Moneypenny sighed sadly. "I'm so sorry."

"I just wanted to be sure that it was not James." Alec said hesitantly. "I guess they wanted me to think that, to turn me against…" He could not continue the sentence to say whom it was they had wanted to turn him against.

"Yes Alec." Moneypenny nodded. "It was not James, he would kill anyone he saw hurting you. He could not stand that."

"Thank you." Alec said softly, looking up at her.

"Alec, my dear Alec." Moneypenny sounded so awfully sad that Alec wished he had not brought it up. "If only we had known, we would never have left you there if we had known."

"If I signed on as an agent, I must have known the risk." Alec shrugged. "It was not something James could know. You don't think that anyone would survive a head shot."

"I just wish I could get them for hurting you like that." Again Moneypenny brushed her hand over the scars on his cheek. James would have killed anyone he saw doing that to Alec, and so would she.

"I don't remember much of it." Alec said truthfully. "And I guess it does not matter much anyway." What did matter to him was that she was not repelled by the scars. It looked nasty, and it was the kind of scars that took some people back, he had seen a few shy away from him. Some people stared and some refused to look straight at you. It hurt just as much either way.

"It matters to us, Alec." She shook her head and squeezed his shoulders gently.

He shrugged uncomfortably. "I should get back I guess, thanks." He hesitated as he was about to leave. He was not very good at this sort of emotion thing. He guessed it would be the same with James if he thought about it. They were after all very much alike. The playboy twins, well there was a reason why they were called twins and not just playboys.

He had heard that whispered in the corridors, there was no place where there where corridors, and no one whispered in them. He had heard the comments about the playboy twins, how people doubted that they would ever be the same again. Because Alec was a traitor, and because he most likely had lost his mind.

They quieted when he came near, but he had good hearing, he heard what they said, and he could read the same things in their eyes. Most of them resented him, some feared him, and the rest seemed to pity him. It was draining to walk around and see all those emotions in their eyes.

"Take care Alec." Moneypenny smiled at him, a genuine smile. He loved her for not showing any of those emotions in her eyes. He smiled back at her before walking away. Wondering when they would ask him to go to the next session to work on his memory.

Seven years after Arkangel he had not thought that the damage could be repaired. Seven years and not one memory since before those seven years, well, it made you lose hope. Now, he was beginning to think that there was hope.

He wanted to remember what had been before those years. He wanted to know for certain those things without having to ask people. Asking Moneypenny if James would have done something like that to him. He did not want to do that again.

James looked up when he entered the office, and this time Alec smiled at him as he sat down behind his old desk.

"Did you find out what you wanted?" James asked carefully.

"Yeah." Alec could not help but brush against the scars again. "I needed to know who it was that was lying James. I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You doubted me?" James asked sounding about as confused as he was. "When?"

"It's hard to know what side to trust when both sides have lied to you." Alec noted with a soft smile. "Or rather, one side lied, and one neglected to tell the truth."

"It's hard to know what the truth is." James said thoughtfully.

"I'd settle for some facts about my life." Alec decided. "I'll worry about the truth of the universe and all that later."

James chuckled mirthfully. "You're Alec." He grinned. "Beside that, I really don't care much."

"What was it like before?" Alec asked looking James in the eye. He wanted to catch every detail of the reaction now. "What were we like before. Sometimes when people say something it feels familiar, even if I can't remember it."

James looked slightly surprised, as if Alec had asked the one question he was no prepared for.

He spoke a bit hesitantly at first. "We were the best, the perfect team, the only ones that could never be beaten. Except I hardly think we can still claim that." The last part was said ruefully and with down cast eyes. "We always worked together when we could, and they allowed us to do it more than the others. We always hung together even when we were not working. We made everything into a competition between us, trying to prove ourselves better than the other, and we did it for the fun of it."

Alec was listening intently. Trying to match what James said to his broken memories. Every now and again something fitted in with a broken piece. This was working much better than those sessions he had been to.

Speaking of which, there was a notion saying he had to go to one, so they thought him recovered enough from the drubbing now did they.

He groaned, he did not want to go there, that Dr. Whatever pretty much wanted Alec to tell him what he did not remember.

"You don't like it?" James asked as he had noticed the message for Alec to go there.

He shook his head. "It does not help very much, and it just makes it more frustrating."

"Do you want me to tag along?" James found that since he had spent a few full days with Alec, it was easier to see him as his old friend. Some of Alec's true personality from those times shone through every now and again.

Alec shrugged. "I can manage." He mumbled. MI-6 had a few physiatrist's in their service. Considering what some of the agents had to deal with it was a necessity, and it was just not possible for them to use an outsider physiatrist with the things they were doing. There was to much secrecy in the job for that to work.

There was not one agent who had not been asked to talk with them at some point or another. To deal with things they had seen and done on the mission, and to make sure it had not made them unstable.

Alec was now a high risk in the unstable category. There was fear of damage over the prolonged time. There was fear for a relapse, and there was those who believed he still was a traitor.

Now Alec was ushered in just as soon as he approached the door.

"Welcome." Dr, Wheatherstone greeted him, waving for him to take a seat.

Alec obeyed thought with a small apprehension.

"You seem to have recovered well after the last 'incident.'" The Dr said. "How do you feel about it?"

Alec sighed. "Like it's not so very long ago I got the living daylight beaten out of me."

"It must have provoked some feelings in you." Was the next statement.

"Like what?" Alec rubbed a hand over his face. "People hates me for being the traitor, my feeling one way or the other is not going to change that a great deal. And considering what I did, I can't blame them."

"So you feel they were in the rights?"

It escalated downwards from there at the rate of a speeding avalanche. It made Alec frustrated, and it made him panic. It made him so stressed that his head started pounding with the worst headache he could ever recall having. Until 'I don't know' was the only answer he could give no matter what question was asked.

He answered 'I don't know' when asked what he, what Janus had done a specific day. He answered 'I don't know' when asked how he was feeling about those years, and about being back. He even answered 'I don't know' when he was asked if his name was Alec Trevelyan, and whatever James was his friend or not.

At the end Alec sat biting down hard on his lover lip in frustration, both hands clenched into fists, one pressing to his mouth and one to stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to close out the world and all the evil in it.

The Dr ended the session noting that Alec was not quite stable, and that it was not certain if he would ever be so again.

Then Alec was informed that he would be notified when he was to attend the next session. So he suddenly found himself helping the corridor wall to keep upright.

"Alec, lad, what are you doing here?"

He barely registered the hand on his shoulder, barely registered that the voice belonged to O'Moore.

"I don't know." His voice was hardly more than a whimper. Then he realised who it was who was standing there next to him. One he trusted subconsciously, and he latched on. Alec clung to him bodily without even realising it. Grabbing two fistfuls of shirt and pressing himself close.

"Alec, what's wrong Alec?" The older agent whispered.

He draped one arm around the distressed man's back, allowing Alec to feel the closeness. The other hand was in his hair, stroking his neck. Allowing the soothing feeling of a warm hand on your bare skin. It was a soothing thing, it let you know that there was another human being there when there was no clothes in the way reducing the touch.

He again whimpered the only words he seemed to be able to phrase, and how he hated them already.

"Easy lad, easy." O'Moore muttered, pressing Alec's head to his shoulder. He appeared un hurt physically, so that ruled out another attack. Yet he had only seen Alec like this once. After a mission that had gone badly wrong. Alec had been a wreck. Holding together just long enough to get James back to safety, he had been hysteric then, repeating a few words over and over again.

Shivering and trembling, much like now, and how distressed did he not have to be for that.

This was Alec, he was strong, that first time he had been young, still naïve, and it had hit him hard. It had been the first really close call for his part. Alec had been hysteric and little wonder that. So much pressure to deal with for one so young. It happened to all of them sooner or later. James might not want to admit it, but he had been sobbing on O'Moore's shoulder once.

Alec that time had eventually wore himself into exhaustion and fallen asleep. When he woke up O'Moore had talked with him for some time, straightening it out with him. It had not been Alec's fault and no one blamed him, and if Alec was stupid enough to try and take the blame for it, then O'Moore would take him to task about it.

They were the best, but not even the best could take anything, and Alec should not be standing in the corridor like this.

He debated James' office, the one the two men had shared, but the room Alec had been assigned would be better in spite of being further away. He just needed to get Alec there and then James. Thankfully Alec moved in the direction you nudged him.

O'Moore lead Alec along, talking to him and trying to keep his awareness on what was going on around him. Every now and then Alec mumbled the same response, the same words. 'I don't know.'

"Come lad, just lie down for a moment." O'Moore urged easing him down on the bed in the room Alec had not been in for a few days. Alec obeyed, but he did not let go of his fistful of shirt.

O'Moore freed his hands long enough to make a call for James. Then he moved back to comforting Alec, unbuttoning his shirt and rubbing circles on his back. The touch really carried so much more when not done through the fabric, it carried warmth and love. Comfort and security, it allowed Alec to know that he was no longer alone, that someone was there with him.

Someone who cared enough to know where to rub and where to stroke. It was a rare thing that an agent allowed that kind of contact, rare even with Alec, the orphaned boy who lapped up affection faster than any sponge could sap up liquid. Alec only allowed close contact and affection at rare times, but everyone of those time had been treasured and the memory locked away by the agent who felt like a father in all but the name.

"There lad, how's that?" He asked softly teasing his hair, ruffling it lightly. That light ruffle and a teasing word was one of the ways he had shown Alec his affection before. Mock playing about the age difference and jesting about Alec being naught but a child.

James pushed open the door and entered, a concerned expression on his face. "What happened to him?" He breathed. "He was just going to that session, I did not think there was any danger."

"No one attacked him." O'Moore assured him. Noting how distressed James was. It was not all so long ago since he would have sneered at Alec for it. So James had come to see that Janus had never been a tool for Alec's revenge. That it had been Alec who was a tool for Janus. A tool that then was broken, well, they would make sure he would not be thrown away like one of Q's wrenches would if broken.

"Are you sure." James was studying Alec, looking for the tell tale signs that would be there if he had been hurt. There was no fresh bruises, only old scars.

To many old scars O'Moore thought as he knew what James was looking for on the thin chest. The ribs was still protruding a bit to much. He was still to thin, scrawny even.

There was to many scars, James thought, more than had been there before Arkangel. Not all of them had come from the attack, only one or two had. The rest of them had been inflicted during those nine years when he was believed dead. There was to many scars for nine years. There was to many scars on the thin body.

"He said the sessions was hard, but that he could handle it." James finally understood what most likely had happened. "But they are not supposed to do this to him, they are supposed to help him."

"Things does not always work as they are supposed to." O'Moore said ruefully. He noted that Alec had already exhausted himself. "Let him sleep now James. He'll be better when he awakes, talk with him then. You will do more good then I could."

James nodded, he would do that, he would take care of Alec.

**TBC**

_Please review, the Cricket is hungry….._


	8. Chapter 8

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

**_Chapter 8_**

Alec slept fitfully, tossing and turning every now and again. Groaning and muttering things James could not quite catch. For two hours he slept, then he woke with a choked cry.

"Easy Alec." James laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"James." Alec whispered, reaching up a shaky hand to his forehead. "I'm sorry."

"What for Alec." James kept his voice soft and the hand on his shoulder.

"For being such a mess and a bloody inconvenience." Came the muttered reply.

"Not so Alec, not so." James briefly felt the urge to hold him close, embrace him. When he heard that voice, that soft quiet voice, the one that seemed more fitting for a small child. One that was lost and terrified, he just wanted to hold Alec close and never let go.

Then he looked at the younger man, younger yes, but as tall as James even if he was slimmer. Still a man fully grown, one that had never really been a child either, and he was not so sure if it was the right thing to do. Would Alec want him to do that? Or would he offend the younger man?

He did not want him to feel as if he was considered as lesser a man. He kept the hand on his shoulder thought.

"I could not even handle that." Alec muttered shaking his head. "How did they ever think I could do it. How I could be Janus when I am such a mess. How did I ever handle our job when I can't even handle that?" He was still shaking his head, not looking at James.

To hell with what he might want, James could not care less at the moment, he drew Alec closer to himself.

"You handled it because we were the best. Because you were the best." To his great surprise Alec did not pull away. Not at first, and not really at all, but after a short time he was straightening and looking at James.

The look in his eyes was enough to make a grown man weep, James had seen that look often enough to know what thoughts was roaring in Alec's brain. The one thing Alec had never felt secure in, no matter how cocky and self confident he acted.

"You're worth it Alec." He assured the younger man, and he meant it.

Alec plummeted downward from that point. He fell asleep again shortly after he had woken up, and lethargy was the best description of him. He did not eat, and he was slow to respond to any outer stimulant.

James was worried, already the second day when he was napping on the bed. He had hardly eaten a full meal since the session, and that was all the meals combined that hardly rated up to that.

Yet where before he had been annoyed and protested, now he was quiet and non responsive instead. It made James worry more than he had before, he no longer felt any anger, only concern.

James was seated behind the desk and going over a report, Alec was seated at the other desk, and he had been staring at the same spot for twenty minutes now. Hardly moved, and if he breathed it was not detectable at first glance.

"Alec." He said softly, not waiting for the response that did not come. It was almost lunchtime, and he was fairy certain that it would be the fifteen minutes until then to get Alec moving. "Alec." He raised his voice slightly, but it did not help any, you had to catch the one moment when he was paying attention to your direction, and there was no way to tell when that was.

He decided to wait a few minutes more, and if Alec was not reacting more in the morning. He was asking O'Moore to talk with him.

He himself looked up to the knock on the door, it was Moneypenny standing there. He raised his eyebrows questioningly, it was a very rare thing for her to personally run errands.

"M wants to see you James." She said as means of explanation. "I thought I would keep Alec company in the meantime." She looked at the blond as she spoke, frowning over the lack of response from him. "That bad?" She added in a low murmur, for James ears only.

"Pretty much." James nodded as he stood. "See if you can force some food into him if you will." He was halfway to the door when Alec turned to look at him.

"James."

James smiled at him, forced himself to smile at him, why did Alec's eyes have the look in them of a child who saw his most treasured teddy bear walk away.

"I'll be back shortly Alec." He promised.

"James."

Now he sounded as if he needed to plead with the teddy bear not to leave him.

"It's just a short time Alec, go with Moneypenny and eat in the meantime." He hoped that would make Alec actually eat.

"James."

James muttered a curse, the sound in Alec's voice, as if the teddy bear had not only continued to walk away from him, but also exacted revenge on him for all the tears that had been shed over him. As if the bear had told him how worthless he was for having needed him in the first place. As if he had been told how worthless and pitiful he was.

Even worse, it made him feel as if he was the teddy bear that had been so cruel.

He went back to stand beside Alec and put a hand on his shoulder, when he was in he same room Alec did not even notice him, but try to leave and watch what happened. "Alec you know how M gets if one is late, or well, imagine the old M only worse. Point is I have to go." This was harder to understand, with the offer of Moneypenny taking care of him, Alec still resisted his leaving.

If he'd had such an attractive women offering to take care of him, he would most certainly not have tried to refuse it.

Alec looked distressed, even when Moneypenny stepped in and stroked his shoulders gently. James was feeling more and more frustrated with the situation. Especially since only this weekend he had seemed to be making progress, and now he was who knew how many steps backwards again.

He was vastly different now from Janus, but he was nothing like Alec either. Still, there was nothing to be done about it, not even he was brave enough to keep M waiting.

"Take care of him." He said hurriedly to Moneypenny and left.

M was already waiting for him, and so was O'Moore it turned out.

"Come in James." M was no smiling, but when was she ever.

"This is about Alec then." James decided, with O'Moore there, it could not really be about anything else.

"That is correct." M waved against the chairs, almost as an invitation for them to sit down. "We need to decide what is to be done about him. You two are the ones who will be most directly effected by it."

"Alec is no threat." James discovered that he was suddenly very much on his guard, more so than he had expected.

"That's right enough." O'Moore agreed. "The lad was used, it was never his own choice."

M nodded thoughtfully. "That may be, and that is why he has been allowed the freedom he has. I do not think that Alec Trevelyan became a traitor willingly, if I had, he would have been in a more secure custody by now. However, we can not allow this to continue as it has for much longer either."

"What do you plan to do with him?" O'Moore asked tentatively.

"That is what we are going to decide here, but we are dealing with highly sensitive materiel here, and Alec Trevelyan is not stable enough for it. I keep myself informed about his progress, and Dr. Wheatherstone reported a major set back. We have to take that into consideration."

"Alec's sacrificed to much, risked to much, for this country and us for us to throw him away, we have to help him." O'Moore stated firmly. He could not stand the thought of Alec being discarded. The lad had risked so much, had given up so much, and suffered so much more than any other agent he knew. It had to mean something to MI-6.

"There is no need to be so defensive." M pointed out. "I will send a man out to die if it is necessary, but I will not dispose of them without thought. Trevelyan is a great problem, but I would rather see him make a full recovery, then to see him locked away. What must not be compromised however is our security. Trevelyan can not walk around as he pleases all the time. Not to some of the more restricted levels."

"Q is one of the few friends he has." James stated. "It would be cruel to take that away from him."

"Please listen to me Bond." M said in her cold voice. "I do not mean to take the handful of friends he has away from him, but, Trevelyan is a high risk factor at the moment. His current condition quite proves that he is not stable enough, I would suggest for him to be taken into care where he could get a better help, but he knows to many secrets for that."

James shot to his feet. "You can't lock Alec into some loony bin." He flared.

"Sit down Mr Bond." M's ice was icy enough to sink the Titanic. "I have already stated that it is not an option, I am minded to do nothing at the moment, more than command you to control what he sees and hears as much as it may be done. Trevelyan may not be allowed to come in contact with the more sensitive information here."

"Even now, the lad would not reveal anything." O'Moore said sadly. "Alec would die before he betrayed what he loved."

"What he loved yes, but what does he love?" M noted. "It may be that he is no longer as loyal to England as you wish to believe. It seems to me that Trevelyan was ever more loyal to Bond than to England."

She raised a hand to halt him before he could say anything. "Don't say that there is no reason to doubt it, that he would never betray is country. Janus was something that he was tricked into, yet still he did it, and we can not deny that. He was tricked once, and so we must assume that he can be tricked again. Think about what he was capable of doing for a moment."

O'Moore shook his head in disbelief, he could not think that of Alec.

"He could have killed me many times over." James stated firmly. "He didn't, Janus never had that much control over him."

"Janus and Alec was the same person, and might still be." M fixed him with a stern look. "I'm not saying that he is, but I am saying that we can not be certain with Trevelyan. Why did he not kill you Bond? Because he wanted to spare you, or because he wanted you alive for revenge. Up until now I thought it was because he still had that much control over himself, but now I am not so sure anymore."

"And why would that be?" O'Moore asked carefully.

M looked at them, and now there was some sympathy in her eyes, not for them, but for a former agent. "Trevelyan being who he is, I set another agent to try and find out more about this whole mess." She began carefully. "Some of what he found is, disturbing, to say the least."

"What?" James demanded a split second before the other man demanded to know the same thing.

M indicated a card board box that was standing on the desk, James had noted it but not really paid any attention to it. "There is all we have on Trevelyan, before he joined MI-6, the records from his time here, and also everything we could find of what was done to him after Arkangel. Have fun Gentlemen. And then, I want your advice on what to do with him."

"You trust our judgment?" O'Moore asked.

"I trust you to know that our security can not be compromised." M looked at them in turn. "Trevelyan has suffered amnesia for nine years now, and he is a man I would spare, more pain if it can be done. I wanted to do so before, and especially after having seen some of that material. I want to find the best solution, and you two will help me find it. That is all for now."

Knowing the dismissal for what it was O'Moore picked up the box. It was heavy, meaning that there was a lot of paper in it.

"Come." He said to James as they had just left M's office. "I think we should take this to my office, there might be something that we would rather Alec did not see."

James had to agree that made sense, they knew nothing of the context.

They placed the box on O'Moore's desk, thankful that the other desk was momentarily empty. Number four being away on assignment at the moment.

"Now lets see what we have here." O'Moore opened the box. There was video tapes, several brown envelopes, a few files. A book that looked to be a journal and some other things. Since they needed a VCR to view the tapes they put them aside for the moment.

O'Moore picked up a file that looked to be the oldest, it was thick, containing a lot of papers and had the name Alec Trevelyan printed on it.

"From the orphanage." He noted. "This is Alec's records from the orphan age.

James leaned in closer to look. A lot of papers for a small child, and some photos as well. O'Moore was leafing through those papers.

"Most of it are the normal things." He stated. "Health record and a number of child diseases, with so many children in one place it is no wonder, if one gets sick, so does the others. I want to know if there is a record here from when he was found. I want to know what happened then."

James nodded, it was one thing that might prove useful. He checked through the papers until he found a thinner envelope. Opening it he found a few sheets of papers and a handful of pictures.

"I think I have found it." He stated. He looked at the photos, one was the same one as he had been shown in that earlier envelope. The tiny child with the too big shirt and the nametag. One was a full body photo of Alec. He stood there, biting his lower lip and looking absolutely terrified. He was clutching a tin mug in his small hands, and his feet were dirty and covered with the same scratches as his arms and face.

O'Moore had taken the papers, skimming over the text. "He was found hiding in a stand of thorn bushes." He informed James. "Terrified of them at first, and hidden so well it was near they missed him. Those photos are just a few hours after they found him. Apparently he was taken to a hospital first, since he was badly malnourished and dehydrated. He was taken to the orphanage a short time later when they were certain he would recover. Even so he was sick very often in the first two years."

"The poor thing looks really wretched." James shook his head looking at the other photos. Alec looked terrified enough and what child would not be. From what they could tell he had most likely seen his father shoot his mother and then himself. Alec had nightmares about it for many months afterwards, and it was what he told them off those dreams that allowed them to know he had seen it, but he had no memories of it when asked, and so they thought he was to young to remember it. As soon as the nightmares stopped Alec would have no idea of what he had witnessed.

No one knew why his father had not shot the child as well, for some reason he had not. It was possible that he had not even been thinking about the child. Or he had thought that someone would find the lad and take care of him.

"This is cruel." O'Moore said with a grim expression. "They never gave him a chance to a normal childhood. The other children there was adopted, but they did not allow him to be."

"What?" James asked, Alec had told him that he was never adopted as the other children, but he had never said anything about there being a reason for that.

"They made sure he would never be adopted." O'Moore shook his head. "There is a note here of all the times someone wanted to adopt him, but no one was allowed to. They wanted to use him for an agent when he was old enough, so they kept him. They never allowed anyone to adopt him, they never allowed him a childhood. It says here that Alec was always the one who looked after the others. He could not be a child himself because he had to take care of the other children."

"He told me about that once." James said quietly. "He said the other children turned to him because they knew he would always be there."

"Because they kept him there." O'Moore stated grimly, angrily even. "They used a child that had just been orphaned for their schemes. If they told him about this, I can understand him."

James nodded, it would be the utter betrayal. He knew how much it had bothered Alec, even if he had tried to deny it, it had bothered him that he was never taken into a family. He had once admitted to having been thinking that it was his fault, that he had done something wrong since no one wanted him. He had thought that no one wanted him. It was a horrible thing to do to a small child.

It was certainly something that could be very hard to find out at the wrong time from the wrong persons. He really felt sorry for Alec for having been used such. It was not fair, it was amazing that Alec had never appeared to be more bitter about before. He would have been, he knew that.

"Poor Alec, I can not imagine how that would feel." James shook his head, looking through the other photos he could find there. There seemed to be some more or less annual photos of him, no doubt the ones who had put him there wanted to know how he was progressing.

Alec remained a very small child, in one of them it looked as if he was suffering the measles, funny, because Alec always claimed he was not sure if he had had that or not. He had straw blond hair, very light, it made sense since he was a more dark blond now.

James laid down those pictures, it made him feel wretched inside to know what he had been put through, it made him feel as if his beloved country had betrayed him. How then must it have felt for Alec, the one who had been made to suffer so much for it.

"It makes me sick just to read this." O'Moore sighed shaking his head. "How then shall the rest be."

"I don't even want to think about it." James glanced at the rest of it. "I'm wondering when I should get back to Alec. We need to do this, but I don't want to be away for long, and I don't want to use getting back to him as an excuse not to do this."

O'Moore had an important question he had to ask. "Have you forgiven him yet?"

"It was never really Alec was it." James sighed, he could deal with bad guys and monsters, but this was neither. There was things happening now that he did not know how to react to. "He did the deeds, but they were the ones pulling all the strings. I wish I could still hate him for it, but I can't. I want to hug him and tell him that everything will be alright, and I want to shake him until he snaps out of it."

"It's not easy." O'Moore agreed. "It makes you angry to see him like he is now, but are we angry at him or those who did it to him. I think we can leave him with Moneypenny for a few more moments thought. She will take care of him."

"Boarding school records and grades." James was leafing through another envelope. "He really did well. This time it was yearbook photos of a gangly youth with unruly hair. Alec had done very well in school it appeared.

O'Moore hesitated to open the journal, he had a feeling that it would not be Ale's high school romances that was written into it. It was not.

It was the record of Alec Trevelyan, captured spy and agent. It was the record of what they had seen fit to do with Alec after they captured him.

"Those bloody bastards." O'Moore burst out. "They are gloating over how he was suffering amnesia. They have recorded what his reaction was upon awakening, and apparently since he had no memory of it he congratulated them on the capture of Double-Ooh-Six. Those bastards are bragging about what they made him say before he even realised that he could not recall anything."

"You mean he did not at first?" James frowned, how could you miss something like that?

"No." O'Moore shook his head. "He was to confused trying to figure out what was happening to him it appears. It says here that he claimed that the headache was to bad for him to try to think. The first two days he was drifting in and out of conscious, it was only after that he realised that he could not recall anything. By then they had decided to use him against us."

"So they really did that?" James muttered through clenched teeth.

O'Moore turned the pages and a picture fell out, James snatched it up immediately. The right side of Alec's face looked just awful. Dark purple and fading black, so swollen that they eye was pushed halfway closed. Reaching almost all the way from his jawbone to his hairline. Who had done that to Alec? Who had hurt him so badly?

Then James realised something he held the picture out to O'Moore. "I assume that this is after the explosion of Arkangel."

"Yes." O'Moore took the picture. "The cheekbone was damaged, cracked. How the poor boy must have suffered."

"But where is the scar." James shook his head bewildered, there was the swelling and discolouring, and it was very bad, but there was no scar tissue on the cheek. "The scar on his cheek, he said I gave it to him by setting the timer for three minutes instead of six, but if it was so, then where is the scar?"

O'Moore frowned at the picture, there was no sing of any scar tissue. There was something on the left side of his head, something that he could not see exactly what it was, but he suspected it was the bullet that had done it. James was right thought, if it had been the explosion that had given him the scar, there should have been a lot of raw scar tissue and half healed burn wounds. Yet except for the bruising and welling, the cheek was smooth, no scarring at all.

"He can't have gotten it from the explosion." O'Moore shook his head. "If he had, it would have been clearly visible."

"Do you think he knows where he got it from?" James asked, then he stood. "I'm gonna go back to him, he might not know, but I want to see if he is alright."

"I don't think that I can stand to look more at this right now, but I want to know when he got the scars. I need to know what they did to him." O'Moore shook his head. He had claimed before that Alec was the closest to a son he would ever have, and no one where allowed to do this to his boy. "Go back to him you James, I shall see if I can find anything out." He said softly.

James approached the office with apprehension, he had not yet eaten, but after what he had seen he was not sure if he could face anything down. Alec was sitting much as before, shoulders slumping more, but otherwise he had not changed his position by much. Moneypenny was facing him with sad and hopeless expression.

"Has he eaten?" It seemed far easier to get he answer from Moneypenny than from Alec.

She shook her head. "Did you find out anything?" She asked.

"Maybe." He leaned against the desk so that he was facing Alec. "There was to much stuff there to sort through at one time. We'll try to find out more." Then he turned all his attention to Alec. "Do you remember how you got that scar Alec, it was not in the explosion, do you recall what happened?" The only response was a small shake of his head.

"They made you think it was James." Moneypenny suddenly said, and she sounded more angry than he had ever heard her sound before. "You told me that Alec, that they made you think it was James, that they burned you, that they tortured you."

"They did that?" James demanded angrily. "They did that to you?" If it was true, then he could no longer put any blame on Alec as a traitor, how could anyone resist thinking that it was your friend that burned you.

"No!" Alec shouted and shot to his feet. "No!" He stood there, eyes darting back and forth between them. Like if a gigantic spotlight had just been aimed his direction and he was now caught in the beam.

"It was all a part of their plan to turn a loyal servant against his country." Moneypenny sounded sickened. She was sickened, how could a human being do that, make him think he had been betrayed by his best friend.

"Alec, they have found some information, we are trying to find out what happened to you so that we can help you."

"I don't want to know." Alec pleaded. "Please, I don't know, I don't want to know. It's bad to know, I don't want to."

"Come here Alec." It was Moneypenny who did what James was not sure he would be allowed to do. She stepped up to him and draped an arm around his waist. She understood one thing, the reason for his unusual behaviour. When James had turned the only world he knew upside down, Alec was going through all the different personalities trying to find who he was.

"No one shall hurt you now Alec." She soothed.

Then Alec pulled himself up again, that lost look gone from his eyes, and for a brief moment James thought that maybe now that Alec had past that he would be back to his own self again. Then he pushed away from Moneypenny.

"What if I hurt someone?"

He was looking back and forth between them.

"They made me do that, the things they did to me, they made me do the same things. What if I hurt someone, I, I should be locked up so that I can't."

"I know one thing Alec, you wouldn't do that, they never were able to make you do that." James shook his head. "Do you recall how you kept winning one over them Alec, every time they wanted you to kill me, but you never did. You always left one way open for me to get out. They could not force you to do that, and they can't now."

"Are you sure?" Alec looked up, the Alec from the first photos, the one who had just been found, and maybe he had just found his friend again.

"I'm sure." James smiled at him. "Come on now Alec, we should have eaten long ago. We both need to eat something."

Alec shook his head slowly. "I'm not very hungry." He mumbled.

"You should be, you haven't eaten enough." James chided softly.

"No, I don't want anything." Alec sat down at the desk again so he was partly turned away from them.

James gave in, not because he wanted to, but because Alec had been responding to them, and he did not want to press him into that same kind of unresponsiveness again. It was better then to let him have his way for the moment and not bother about it.

Moneypenny had to get back to her work, having in all truth been away from her desk to long already. She was not supposed to leave it unless M asked her to.

Alec had taken up a pen and was idly toying with it. He had found a few sheets of papers, and he was either writing something or drawing something on it. It was something he had done before, even if he had no recollection of it. James noticed it and it was something familiar to him.

Every now and again Alec had been trying to stall about doing the paperwork. He would scratch down a short poem, or a quick doodle. All to stall for a few moments.

James watched him now, the way he bent forward slightly, as if he was concentrating hard. One hand up in his hair, and the other holding the pen. It was really an endearing image, one very far from the one that had earned him the title of twin number two.

James was number one, Alec number two. Partially because James was older, had joined MI-6 before Alec, but also because Alec was considered to be slightly softer and more concerned about others than James.

Twins number one and two, the playboy twins.

He had no idea who it was that had started calling them that. At first he had been enraged over the title, but Alec had laughed over it and seen it as something to take pride in. That kind of things did not bother Alec, he saw the humour in it.

It was Alec who had walked straight up to Moneypenny when the name was only a week or so old, leaned casually against her desk, and grinned that lopsided grin he could use to melt any heart he wanted. Normally, they would just be waved through, occasionally they would inform Moneypenny that they were there, just for the sake of it.

Oh, but Alec could not do that, not this time. Instead as Moneypenny was already frowning over his unusual behaviour, for Alec was showing off. He was leaning in a way that allowed anyone near to note the slim body and how well shaped it was. He looked perfect there, and he knew how to make others notice as well.

"_Playboy twin number two reporting as requested, with playboy twin one in tow." _

Then he had turned around to face James, a thoughtful look on his face. _"You know James, that just doesn't make sense. We should be playboy twins Double-Ooh-Seven and Double-ooh-six. Seven and six at the very least. Do you suppose we can make them change it?" _

That was when M head chosen to open his door, and he had not been to impressed by the joke. Of course he was well aware of the new name for the two agents, he just did not approve of the way Alec used it.

Then again, M at that time, and Alec, had never really seen eye to eye. Alec had respect for his superior, very much so. No one could say anything else, and M respected Alec as an agent, but after that, the two of them just did not agree on much anything.

M thought that neither James nor Alec ever took things seriously enough, and Alec would keep joking about that, something that was not appreciated.

Once or twice Alec had been put to punishment duty for a smart remark he might have done better to keep to himself. Nothing bad, just the more dull assignments, the ones that got on Alec's nerves.

Alec was like James, he wanted to have things happening faster. Oh, they both might enjoy a slow and quiet evening reading a book, or watching a movie. They'd had great fun once watching star wars, and generally no one thought that was enough excitement for them.

Oh, no, the playboy twins could not sit at home with take away pizza and just watching a movie. Everyone seemed to think they were at pubs and clubs every night.

No, they could take it easy if they wanted to, but not at work. If you wanted to punish Alec, you put him on stakeout duty.

Alec appeared to be writing and not doodling, but James could not see what it was. He was curious, but he did not want to ask at the moment.

**TBC **

_Please review, the Cricket is hungry….._


	9. Chapter 9

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart** _

Chapter 9

Alec was just idly scribbling down the words to some song, he was not sure when or where he had heard it, but at the moment the lyrics was stuck in his head. _Alex is the man, Alex understands." _ It was not his name, not quite, it was spelled the other way. _Alex speaks of all the girls so neatly in his hand. _ He guessed that at some point he had enjoyed the song. _Nowhere else there is a man like Alex._ Why else would he recall the lyrics to a song he could not recall having ever heard?

He had no idea how the melody went, how it would sound if he listened to it, it was just the words echoing in his head. _You keep telling me about,_ and what was that name? _You keep telling me about men like George. But you know that I've had to much, _ what was it there, candy? _To turn down and skip a man like George. _ Some of the words kept eluding him, or he was not quite sure of them.

As if the lyrics in his head was just a faint tune coming in over the radio, and was fading in and out. He absently wondered why that tune would be the one that was stuck in his head.

James looked up surprised, Alec was humming softly. That was something new, he had never done that much before. The two of them did not sing, did not hum, and only occasionally whistled. Mostly as a recognition call at that.

Yet he was humming on a song, and he seemed to be utterly unaware of doing it. Making sure he was not obvious about it James tried to hear what it was.

It was that song that Alec had liked because the name was so close to his, 'Alex is the man' and the description in the song did fit in rather well with the playboy image. Seeing as how the Alex in the song seemed to be a ladies man as well.

It was just one of the songs that they liked because it was funny. Nothing really special about it more than a few jokes. Yet it was not something that they actually sought out to listen to. It was interesting that Alec should be humming it, so completely unaware of what he was doing.

He was still writing something on the paper, and he was still humming that song. James was still sitting watching him.

He should get back and tell O'Moore that he knew how Alec had gotten the scar now. It was something that the older man should know. It was not fair to leave him alone with all that stuff. So much horrible information to go through. All those things made worse because they knew the one it had been done to.

It was one thing to know the victim as a slightly below middle age man, just above average height, one hundred and eighty pounds with dark blonde hair and green eyes.

It was another thing entirely to know that it was Alec.

Still, he could not go home without having told what he had found out, it would not be fair.

"Alec, I'll just have to take care of one more thing before we go home, I'll be back in just a moment, okay?" he asked.

Alec gave a small nod, and James thought he should be alright for that time. One thing was for sure, no one would actually go into their office to hurt Alec, and he doubted the younger man intended to go anywhere.

He quickly informed O'Moore about what Moneypenny had told him. The older agent was furious, and little wonder. He was himself, they risked their lives, for Queen and country, but Alec had lost so much more than that.

It was getting late, time to get home at any account so he went back to Alec. Pausing for a moment in the doorway to look at him. Alec was still sitting slightly hunched over as he had before. For a second he could almost pretend that none of it had happened. Then Alec shifted and he saw the scar on his cheek.

James was not the extremely vindictive kind, but he had wanted to avenge Alec's life, and now he wanted to take revenge for that scar. Kill the one who had burned that into his flesh, and the one that had commanded it. He wanted to burn them as they had burnt Alec, and he wanted them to know it.

He had seen a lot of ways to cause pain in his work, some which made him sick and that he had thought he would never wish upon his worst enemy. It was only now that he was contemplating them. Not on his worst enemy, but on Alec's.

Ah, but a few of them was already dead, and they had not died nearly painfully enough if you asked James.

Now he stepped over to Alec and placed a hand on his shoulder, a comforting touch between friends. "Come Alec, time to head home now."

A small nod and Alec pushed to his feet, James' hand fell from his shoulder as he rose. He wanted to put it back there, to keep at least on hand on him, one arm around him. If he held Alec close he would know that no one could hurt him.

His hand hung empty at his side while Alec shuffled along beside him. He could not reach out like that, Alec was to proud. He would never accept it, it would make him feel as if James was slighting him in some way.

They had never been that affectionate with each other, not in that way. They tussled and wrestled in combat practise. Beat each other in hand to hand combat practise, and then you really sought to make the punches count.

What you did not do was walk with an arm draped around the others shoulder, never.

Not unless the other had been hurt and needed the support. A casual touch that no one could tell was one leaning on the other. Or a strong hand to support one that was barely able to keep to his feet.

Yet Alec did not know that, it was yet one of the things he could not recall. He did not know that it was something they never did. If James did it now, allowed himself the reassurance of that touch. Alec would never know that he was indulging himself. It was an opportunity to make something more of their friendship.

The things he had regretted for nine years when Alec was lost to him. There was so much then that he had regretted that they had never done, and here was another chance.

Alec was just a foot away from him, it was no distance at all to cover. Just inch closer and casually drape his arm around the younger mans shoulder. A calm grin to assure him as Alec gave him that wondering look over it.

It was such an easy thing to do, he cursed himself for not having done it before, he cursed himself for not doing it now either.

Instead he continued walking beside Alec, cursing himself for everything he should have done, but never did.

Alec looked out the car window, it was really to dark to see much, and it was not a long drive either. He needed to think, as they walked he had noticed how James changed his posture, he started walking differently, and he glanced sideways to Alec. It was just a small thing, but he had noticed it and he was wondering what it had been about.

It was as if James really wanted to do something but stopped himself from doing it, but what? He no longer seemed to want to kill Alec.

At first he had thought that James would be the one doing that, but lately he had seemed to be the opposite. He seemed to be more protective now, thought in a quite aggressive way. It was also the way he had demanded to know who had given Alec the scar.

He had thought that it was James, he had fallen for it. As long as he knew that had been a lie, that it was not James, then it did not matter all that much to him.

It was an ugly scar, it was the first thing anyone saw of him, and it even made shaving tricky at times. On the other hand, what was he to do about it? It was there, he could not change it, and so he had better get used to it.

By now it had been long enough that he was used to it. Not used to the reaction some made when they saw it. At least not comfortable with it.

"It does not matter." He said out loud, softly, but out loud. Maybe James would hear, and then he would give him that questioning look. James wanted to know everything.

Aye, there was that twinkle in his eye, the one that said he was thinking, pondering, trying to figure it out in some way.

"What does not matter?"

"Who did it, it does not matter anymore." Alec said softly, he had to make James understand. "If it was not you, as long as they lied and it was not you, then it does not matter."

James shook his head, the curiosity in his eye replaced with sadness. "It matters to me."

"Not more than any other scar, we have a lot of them, you and me both. Queen and Country, all servants are marked with scars for a long service and we both know it. They say to bear them with honour James, I could never knowing I got it betraying my country, but if I did not betray England, if I never betrayed you, then it is nothing to be ashamed of."

"For Queen and Country Alec." James nodded. He had many scars earned in the service of Queen and Country. Scars on his body, and scars on his soul. All a remembrance of the times they had suffered. All of them a reminder of how dangerous life could be. They risked much, and the scars on his body was evidence of that, they had lost so much, and the scars on his soul was evidence of that. "You never were a traitor Alec. Never for Queen and Country."

************

James went to retrieve a few of the files to go over the next day. Alec had gone down to Q again, so James walked with him, and then headed to O'Moore to pick up some of the papers.

Papers, files and pictures was spread all over his desk. Pretty much everything from the box was there. All of it spread out into organized chaos.

"Have you found anything more?" James asked.

"The tapes are from how they turned him." The older man said grimly. "What they told him to trick him. He could not recall anything, and so they made up false files about him. They showed him evidence that said who he was, and it was still all lies, but he could not know that. The first time he began questioning them, they pretended that we had captured him, that was when they tortured him, so that he would hate us. And for a time it worked."

"Alec was stronger than they thought." James grinned. "They underestimated him."

"They underestimated what the two of you meant to each others." O'Moore, said softly. "He did not have the strength to do it for himself, yet he broke out of it for you James."

James cleared his throat and shuffled through some of the documents. "He went down Q, so I can bring some of them back."

He gathered up a few of the files and envelopes. To his surprise Alec was in the office again when he got back. He was just sitting there, hands in his lap and looking at the smooth surface of the desk.

"Alec, what are you doing here?" James asked surprised. "Was Q busy?"

"I don't know." He murmured.

"Didn't you go there?" James dropped the files on his desk, Alec seemed so very subdued again.

"No."

"Why?" He could not understand that.

"I don't know."

James could not hold back the curses, that was what Alec had said before. "What happened, why didn't you go there?" He demanded.

"I don't know."

He shook his head, growing concerned and not quite able to suppress it. "You must know that, Alec, why didn't you go there like you said you would?"

"I don't know." Now Alec looked up at him, a pleading look in his green eyes. "I don't know James."

It was things like this that would make M say he was to unstable to be here, and James would be forced to agree if it came up. He would have to be careful dealing with this, and it was not his strong side.

"Easy Alec, what is wrong, what is it that you don't know?"

"I don't know." Alec shook his head. "I can't remember. I don't know."

James stepped over to him, his concern made it so very easy to place his hands on Alec's shoulders, and Alec unconsciously leaned into that touch.

"Easy, Alec. Just take it easy, don't worry about anything." He said softly. "You don't have to, you don't have to worry about that. I'll take care of you. You don't have to worry."

"You will?" Alec sounded hoarse. "I don't know. I failed James, I failed him. I don't know what to do."

"You never failed me Alec." James shook his head. "There was nothing more you could have done. Don't worry about it now."

"You don't understand, I failed." Alec was sounding more and more agitated now as he spoke. "I failed, I became the traitor, I failed James, he trusted me. He never wanted a partner, he never wanted me, but he took me and I failed him."

"No Alec, you never failed." James squeezed his shoulder.

Alec pushed to his feet and shuffled over to the wall. "Then why do they say so. Why do they say that it's a shame James has to step in for Alec once more, that he always has to step in for Alec. That Alec is keeping James back."

"Who's saying that?" James demanded.

"The voices are." Alec shrugged.

"What are you talking about Alec?" They said that all agents that did not die first went crazy, it sure sounded as if Alec had.

"The voices in the corridors. The ones that are always talking when you walk past them, when they don't think you can hear them, but you can." He shook his head.

James heaved a sight in relief. "Are you talking about those that stand in the corridors gossiping Alec. You know better than to listen to them." It made more sense now, Alec would just be repeating what he had heard them say. He himself had heard those whispers many times.

They always started as soon as they thought you were out of hearing, but James and Alec had better hearing than they thought. They could usually catch on to those whispers, that was how they had found out that they were called he playboy twins in the first place.

Then again it was easier for James to ignore them, he was after all the darling of MI-6, and Alec was the one that did not quite measure up. That was what the gossipers said about him. That he would never be as good as James. That James would be so much better if he did not have Alec holding him back.

Every time something had gone wrong for Alec they had talked about how much better James would have done it. When something went wrong for James, it was Alec's fault. Either because he should have been there, or because he had been there.

How it was a shame that they could never get close to James but had to settle for Alec instead. James was also aware of it, he did not hear the whispers the same way as Alec had, but he was well aware about it. Not even in a place like MI-6 did you get away from that. People was stupid, and there was nothing to do about it.

"Don't listen to them Alec, they don't know what they are talking about, none of them do. They've never been here, they've never done what we've done. Just ignore them."

"It's not that easy." Alec murmured. "They're not whispering anymore, they don't bother to."

"They are stupid Alec."

He shook his head. "They are loud James. They are loud, and they are everywhere. Wherever I go. They are always there, and I can't pretend that I don't hear them anymore." Alec traced some odd pattern in the paint on the wall. "I can't pretend that they are not there anymore, I want to get away from he voices."

"Do you want me to leave you alone at home then?" James asked.

Alec shook his head, he did not want to be alone, he had been alone to much. They always left him alone. The ones that had made him Janus. They did not like him, he was just a tool for them and they ignored him for most of the time.

No, he did not want to be alone.

James turned him around with a hand on his arm, bringing him closer to himself.

"They don't understand Alec. They never did, they never knew to appreciate you. I thought I did, but not even I really knew how much you meant before I lost you. That was why I hated Janus so much. Because he stole you from me, somehow dead was easier to bear than Janus."

"I'm sorry James, for never figuring out what they were doing with me." Alec shook his head. "You keep saying that it was not my fault, now you do, but it still feels as if I should have figured it out. I hate being like this James. One moment I act like some bloody wimp, and the other I think I'm like before, but I never know. I hate not knowing."

"I was stupid before Alec." James shrugged. The way Alec kept dragging it up was wearing on him, like a broken record. He was never allowed to forget it.

Alec shrugged and pulled away from James and sat down at his desk again. Taking a sheet of paper and starting to scribble absently on it. _Alex is the man, Alex understands. Alex speaks of all the girls so neatly in his hand. Nowhere else there is a man like Alex. Alex, who is he?_

_**TBC  
** _  
_Please review, the Cricket is hungry_


	10. Chapter 10

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

_**Chapter 10**_

"Are you sure about this James?" Alec asked a bit nervously.

"Yeah, of course I am." James stretched his limbs. He had dragged Alec with him for a work out. He needed to keep in shape, and it would do Alec good as well. He had missed someone to practise hand to hand combat with. No one else could keep up with him.

No one else could cut it so close, they always tried to hit for real when they spared, they were so evenly matched, knew each other so well, that they could land the punches full force, and only rarely would they do any damage at all.

Bruises did not count.

James could hit full force because he knew Alec would block. He knew that Alec could read his mind and knew where he would strike. He knew that should one of them miss, and actually hit, there was no hard feelings between them. It was not in their nature to hold back, in practice, or in a live situation. Sparing the way they did kept them sharp.

Now he might have to be more careful, Alec was not as stable as before, it was a long time since they had done this, and Alec was still a little weakened. He would go easy at first, but hopefully this would allow Alec to fall into routine.

The fight at the Janus base had been fierce, but that had been Alec fighting not only for his life but for anything that anchored him to something. Now they began slowly. James lounged and Alec blocked. James kicked and Alec dodged. James struck and Alec flinched.

Then slowly Alec begun not only to block, but to advance as well. He was not in his best shape, there was no way to deny that he was still a bit slow. His leg gave a twinge every now and again and he did not dare to press to much. Yet he allowed himself to smile as he ducked beneath a hard punch.

A clean strike against James face, easy to see. If someone saw them and got the stupid notion they were fighting for real Alec would be shot on the spot. In all likelihood M would not approve of this.

Partially because Alec was still healing, and partially because she did not trust him to be stable enough for it.

"Like old times, eh James?" Alec smiled softly. There was a familiar feeling about this, he had done this before. Not the fight for your life, but the challenge between two friends. How was it it went, the loser bought the winner a pint. Was that the rules for these training rounds? Or was it something else? No, it had to be a pint.

"Like old times Alec." James agreed as he threw himself into a rolling dive. "I've been out of shape not having you for exercise partner."

"Did we have a challenge for this, something about a pint?" Alec asked as he watched James circling him.

"We did." James nodded and kicked, Alec twisted out of the way. "The loser buys the first round." Inside he rejoiced over the fact that Alec knew that. "Thought we always did take into account if one of us were compromised, to make it fair."

"I like this." Sweat was soaking his hair, stinging in his eyes, but it felt good. Not many others of the agents had conversations during this, but it felt familiar as well. He was sure they had done it before.

They had, someone had been watching, a number of them off to the side. One of them had made a comment that Alec had overheard. He and James had been talking while they were fighting, and then as they paused over a round Alec had called out to them that they were wrong, that it was James who was the best and not him, or something like it. It had to do with the name they were called, but he was not quite sure what.

He tried to make the memory more clear and his concentration failed for a moment. James kick sent him railing since he did not block it, and he struck hard against the floor. Hard enough that he stars formed actual constellations.

"Alec." James knelt by him worriedly, afraid that he had hurt him. He had been trying to be careful, but then Alec had seemed to keep up so well he had been carried away. "Are you okay Alec? Did I hurt you."

Alec shook his head to clear it, and the remaining start dust danced around. "I'm okay." He said as he pushed himself of the floor. "I was just trying to remember something, I forgot to pay attention."

"Are you sure you are alright, I'm sorry Alec." James eyed him over worriedly.

"Yeah." Alec rubbed a sore spot but grinned. "Nothing like a light exercise to keep you in shape, eh?"

James just stared at him, blinking with surprise, and Alec started feeling uncomfortable under that look. Wondering if he had said something wrong.

"James?" He asked uncertainly.

"You said that the first mission we were on together." James mumbled. "You wound up fighting someone, and you said that. I thought the brute would kill you and I would have to explain why I brought you back a corpse, but you did it, and you said that. It was what made me think that you might actually be good enough for the job. That you held up during the fight."

"I was starting to recall some time when we were sparring, and someone said something about us." Alec said slowly. "I don't remember anything about the first mission."

James sighed. "I did not like partners back then, I thought that I was stronger and better alone, it was not until we had been together for some time that I realised I was wrong. I was a fool at first Alec, and even after the first mission I did not want to be your partner for a second one."

"I can understand that." Alec said softly. "Its all a matter of trust, is it not?" He looked at James, questioningly. "Trust someone else to be good enough. Trusting someone with your life is not easy."

"No, its not." James agreed. "And yet you did it then. I never understood how you could keep such fate in me, and yet you did."

"But you are the best James." Alec tilted his head to the side. "How could I not?"

James regarded him sadly, taking in his features once more. The scar that he hated, the face that he loved. The contrast between those two emotions.

"James." Alec sounded concerned, worried even as he regarded James in turn.

James noted how his voice was choked when he spoke. "Blind trust Alec, I admire how you can keep such blind trust. But I've always feared that it would get you hurt."

"I don't understand James." Concern still, but now also distress. "What are you talking about?"

_About you my friend, about seeing you like that. Not hearing a reply and going around the pillar, only to see you on your knees, a gun to your head. Never been as afraid as that time. Seen you bleed, seen you hurt. Seen you with a gun pointed at you, we have both been threatened with guns. _

_We have been threatened with other things then guns, but there was something then, something about it that was worse. As if there was only one possible outcome. The one that happened. Ah, the way you were so defiant, no one can say that Alec Trevelyan ever rolled over and made it easy. _

_Shouting defiance, loyal to the mission to the end, and then a body that crumbles to the floor. How much that hurt, not then, was to numb for any pain at all. _

_Later, when there was no Alec at the home base._

_When there was no Alec to share a pint with._

_When there was no Alec to engage in a battle of wits._

_When there was no Alec walking one step behind, no matter how often the space there one step behind was checked. _

_There was no Alec, would never more be. _

_Nothing is more than everything. _

_Alec is much, Alec is all._

_No Alec is to much to comprehend._

James sighed. "Nothing Alec, just ignore me."

Alec frowned, as if he did not quite believe him, yet he did not question it. Just frowned.

"Do you want to continue?" James asked.

Alec shook his head slightly. "No, I don't think so." He was not sure about how James was acting now.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" James asked concerned.

Alec shook his head again. "No."

James nodded then and lead the way to the showers. Shedding the sweat soaked training clothes and stepping into the shower. Alec hesitating slightly before doing the same. Glancing around as if he feared someone else would come. He had more scars now, many more scars James noted as he watched him out of the corner of his eye.

Alec was washing off hurriedly. In beneath the water flow, soap, rinse off and then out again. No time to enjoy it.

He was already dressed again when James got back. Sitting waiting on the bench by their lockers. It was something very common for the newer agents to act this way. Before they felt they belonged there. When they were still uncertain whatever they were really good enough. It was a sort of shyness.

He himself had displayed a little of it when he where new, not much, but the older ones had known it for what it was.

Alec had displayed another sort of confidence than James had. Where James had no problem with facing them down in the office, Alec was more uncertain there.

James had claimed he was to cocky by far, but he was just used to being on his own.

Now James hurried so that he would not keep him waiting. Trying to joke as they headed back to the office, Alec smiling a little at some of it.

Ah, but for a brief moment there he had been looking at his old Alec, and it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

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Alec was fingering a pen, twirling it between his fingers absently. He had his attention on a paper in front of him, James had no idea what it was. He himself was reading a progress report, and he paid little attention to Alec. In fact he was barely aware of his surroundings.

The report was sickening, human suffering broken down into numbers and statistic. It was not about human life anymore, and James valued human life very much. Yet this was about suffering and pain, misery and lies, and all of it wrapped up in neat rows of numbers.

By a certain stimulant the desired result could be achieved. By exposing the 'test subject' to a certain thing, they could make the 'test subject' respond in a certain way. Then if they wanted it even more efficient, they would make the 'test subject' think it was all by choice.

They made him think that he was making the choices, it was a game of tug and jerk, they tugged and the loathed 'test subject' jerked, all the amusement of the ones holding the strings.

They wrote about success, a few minor set backs when it did not have the desirable effect on the 'subject' that they wanted.

It seemed that the 'subject' sometimes resisted what they were doing, and always the punishment was severe. It was after all for the greater good, and the end justifies the means.

The mere fact that the 'test subject' was a human man would have made M-I6 send out an agent there had they known about it, but for some reason they had missed it. Those cruel animals had been good enough that it had not been discovered. So no agent had been sent out to put a stop to it, and so the experiments had been allowed to go on for some time, for several years.

James found himself wondering who they would have sent, maybe himself, maybe not. It would not have been a large scale mission. Not when there was only one 'subject' there. Most likely it would have been one of the not so experienced agents.

What would they have done about it?

Killed the 'subject' to make certain it could never be set lose on the world. After what they had done to 'it' some would say it was an act of kindness. No one would hold them responsible for it. He had been commanded to do similar things during the years.

A choice between the lesser evil of shooting a man not at his own mercy, or letting what had once been a man, now a tool of evil lose. The bigger evil.

Yet it made him feel sick, the thought of a younger agent out to prove his worth, destroying the experiment, blowing up the lab, destroying the tests.

Aiming the gun and putting a bullet through Alec's head.

It was Alec who was the 'test subject.'

He did not look up at him, but he knew he was sitting across from him. Unaware of what James was reading, not really paying attention to anything at all.

James swallowed down a lump and a sour taste of bile at the thought. It could have happened. If they did not know who the 'test subject' was, they would most likely think that the best course of action was to put him out of his misery.

Maybe it would have been kinder, but it would also have been the worst possible fate for a former, very loyal agent.

'_Click.'_

He looked up at the sound, it was Alec who had clicked out the pen with his thumb, his hand resting against the paper.

Then he looked up, glancing at James, aware that he was suddenly watching him instead of reading his report.

It had reminded James of a certain Russian programmer who had been spinning and clicking a pen all the time while he worked. It was he who had used the armed pen James had brought with him. Clicking it, and arming it, and then James had struck him so that he dropped it, and some part of the base had been destroyed.

They had used computers and programmes to break Alec as well, according to the report, and suddenly he thought that he knew who had made the program for it. They had used so many ways, so many methods, all devoted to turning Alec.

What would they had done afterwards, when the Golden Eye had succeeded. Most likely they would have killed him. They would not have let him profit from it. He was a tool, shaped for one job and only one job, and once it was complete they would destroy the tool so that no one else could ever use it again.

That was the thing, they only needed him for one mission, one mission alone, and then they did not care what happened to him.

Now he looked worried beneath James gaze, wondering what he had read that made him look so focused. He wanted to ask, but did not know how to voice the question. He began fidgeting under those hard blue eyes, nervous, wondering what was to come, and suddenly James realised the he feared some sort of out lash. He sighed, and saw Alec shift again.

"Clean up duty is always the hardest job, Alec." He said softly. Clean up, putting everything to right again after they had been forced to destroy something. Making sure nothing remained to make things wrong once more.

Also when a mission had gone wrong, and they needed to clear up the mess afterwards. When other countries wondered what they were doing, demanded actions and answers.

Clean up duty when they had to tie up all lose ends, it was hard, it did not always work. It was one of the worst kind of mission.

Now Alec nodded, taking a deep breath. "There are two ways to do it, putting everything back in order, piece by piece. It takes time, and it is hard, not always worth it either. Or you can just throw the entire mess away."

James felt cold at his words, for he knew what Alec meant, that it would be so much easier to just get rid of Alec and not have to bother about it anymore.

Alec had understood what kind of clean up duty it was he was working with, and apparently he had been thinking of it as well.

"They don't throw away the pieces of a thousand year old vase just cause its broken, Alec." He said softly. "They keep all the shards because some things, even broken, are worth far to much to just throw them away."

Alec listened, laid down the accursed pen, and smiled.

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Alec was walking down the corridor, feeling comfortable with himself for the first time since he got back. Or maybe not comfortable, he felt like he knew who he was. He did not have any more memories, but he and James had reached an understanding about it.

Slowly, very slowly he was remembering more and more, and James had realised that it could not be hurried. That it would take time, but that it was happening.

James having realised that the physiatrist meetings did more harm than good had also made them cancel them. As long as nothing happened, he would not be forced to go there. It was one of the reasons he had made more progress lately, there was no pressure on him. No demand he had to meet, and it made it all easier.

He was also more independent, James was allowing him to be on his own more. He did not have a valid drivers license anymore thought, and if he got stopped without one, the M-I6 would be more than furious. So he did not dare to drive anywhere.

His normal way of driving had a tendency to make the police flag him down, the same problem as James had, then he would be in more trouble than it was worth.

It was odd, a very odd situation. No one quite knew how it should be handled, but they were working out solutions again. He thought that most likely he would be assigned to training new agents again. They had thought him good enough for it before and they most likely still did.

He was still down lending a hand to Q every now and then, and he seemed to be grateful for it. Even the others there had gotten used to seeing the former agent there. Not that all of them knew who he were. Some did, but not many of them had been there when Alec had been an agent, going down to be equipped. Not many on the base remembered him, a few of the agents, and they still avoided him. It angered James, it still angered him, even if he not so long ago had looked upon Alec with the same cold hatred as they did.

The strange thing was that he did not particularly care, there were a few of them that still knew him, that he knew. They made it bearable. He knew that when he came across her, Moneypenny would enjoy talking with him. It was enough at the moment.

The only thing that really worried him was those reports that James was always frowning over. He knew they had to do with him in some way. He was not sure how, but it were about him. For when he was reading eh would look up at Alec and frown, or mutter curses. Or he would look so angry, so angry that Alec wanted to leave the office.

He had never felt comfortable when James seemed so furious.

He wanted to know what those reports said, he wanted to know what they intended to do with him. Yet for the first time he was not worried sick about it.

He was doing better, he could remember more, it would be alright.

It was dark, a darkness that fell heavily over him, with an actual impact. Then he realised it was not the darkness that fell, the darkness came with the blow to his head.

He hated them for always striking from behind, what cowards where they when they could not face him as they attacked?

Sneaking up behind him, and striking.

He could not make out who they were, the blow to the back of his head had left him numb to all feelings except a wet trickle down his neck. Something warm streaming down his neck and soaking into his shirt, he felt that sticky warmness, and he felt nauseated. He knew the feeling.

It was the feeling of pain, his head was numb to it now, but he knew that more pain would come from it.

He was on the floor all of a sudden, even if he could not recall having fallen. He forced his eyes open, he needed to see what was happening. He forced his eyes open and he saw a black blur. The boot connected and he knew no more.

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It was not the same men this time, Alec thought wistfully. It was not the same ones that had attacked him the last time. They did not act the same way. These ones had not bound him up the same way, they had most likely thought he would not wake up for a long, long time.

Big mistake, James would have said, never leave the prisoner free to move.

He opened his eyes just so that he could see through his laces. They did not know he was awake yet, but he were. He could see them.

Four of them, standing there, discussing, and it was a heated discussion.

Most likely trying to decide what to do with him. He had seen two of them, they were from the base, and he knew James did not like them. He thought them insolent. They were the ones who were not good enough to be agents, and that hated the agents for it.

He did not like them either, they were the ones that allowed jealousy affect their work, and that got good agents killed.

There was blood in his mouth, his ribs burned whenever he breathed, and it felt as if his kidneys had taken a beating as well. That was bad, they could not take much more. He was not in top shape, and there was only so much punishment his internal organs would take.

He was angry, angry at them for being such cowards, angry at himself for being overpowered for the second time. He used to be better than this. They would never have caught him like this before. Also , before he would not have had any problems getting to his feet, and beat the living daylight out of them bastards. Now he hurt so much he did not really want to move.

Was it worth it anyway?

Was not this the punishment he had told himself he deserved, it might very well be. So they kicked him, and he groaned in pain, bit his lip so that the blood ran down his chin and pooled on the floor, was not this what he had told himself he deserved.

Ribs that burned whenever he breathed.

Maybe, but it was also what had made James angry at him for thinking. James wanted him to uncurl, to rise up, and to put a stop to it.

Q wanted him to come down to the workshop again, to give him a hand, to joke with him.

Then there was one he knew wanted him not to take it anymore, and the same was probably true for Moneypenny.

What did he himself want?

He wanted to repent himself, but this was maybe not the right way. It hurt, it was punishment, but not for what he had done. It was for having been better, for having been James' partner, and that was the truth they spat at him. So that their spittle mixed with the blood that ran from his mouth.

For having been one of the best, well, he would show them what the best could do. He and James had been dealing with the worst and the meanest, these were amateurs, and even now, he could handle it.

They did not like the small electrical charge in the key ring, they did not like the things he had learnt in training. They were not a real problem, but he was hurt, weary and he did not have the strength to get out of there with a flashing grin and a perfectly straight suit this time. Hell, he did not know if he could get out of it to start with. It had taken a lot more strength out of him than he wanted to admit.

He sat down on the floor, panting and pressing a hand to his ribs. He had been angry about it at first, had no wanted it, had wanted to prove that he did not need it, or had he been feeling that he was not worth it. He was not sure, but there was no way he was getting out of the place, wherever he were, without a hand, even if he hated to admit it.

Well, Q had made the functions in his watch, and that before he went missing. He pressed the button that would send an alarm to Q's receiver. He would send James out to follow the signal. All Alec had to do now was wait, and hope that if he just kept breathing slowly enough he would not throw up. The way his inside felt, he was not sure some organ or another would not try to escape if he did. He had been told that you needed them all, so it would probably be a bad thing.

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"Alec!"

James voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He was not even sure what he had been thinking about, just something.

"James." Even speaking hurt. How had he taken out them? Somehow adrenaline and his anger had allowed him to do it, but now he just sat there, even as James came into view.

"Gods Alec, what happened." James knelt beside him, looking very worried. "What did they do to you, I thought you'd be safe."

"Didn't like me." Alec breathed. "Never liked me before, cause I was good enough for you then. Guess they wanted revenge. Couldn't get back myself." He apologized.

"Don't worry Alec, I'll get you back safe. It'll be alright." James assured him.

"I thought about letting them do whatever they wanted." Alec said quietly. "But I didn't."

"That's good Alec." James braved a smile as he tried to wipe some of the blood from his chin without hurting him, he hated to see the blood there, but it was dried and would have to wait. He was not sure what Alec meant either, but it sounded as if Alec had finally decided to defend himself. That was good, he had wanted that, but he had not wanted for Alec to be hurt all over again.

"I thought you would not want that, so I did not let them." Alec said quietly.

"You're right, I did not want that." James nodded. "Can you walk Alec, if I help you?"

"Yeah, no problem." Alec nodded. James took his arm and pulled him to his feet, Alec not trying to resist it, but allowed James to pull him to his feet. God, but moving hurt, and he groaned as it jarred his ribs. He stood, wavering slightly, holding on to James and pressing one hand to his chest. He was not looking forward to walking, not at all.

James helped to ease him into the car, he hissed with pain, damn, but as stupid as those men had been, they had known how to make it hurt.

"What was it they wanted, Alec?" James asked slowly as he pulled out into the street. Some others would take care of the bastards, he wanted to get Alec back to the base. The way he looked he needed a good check over by the medics, and he suspected Alec would not be fond of the idea. He never were, he hated it as much as he himself did.

"I'm not sure." Alec groaned. "Didn't say anything about it, I just thought I recognized them, and I remembered what they said."

James gritted his teeth, he could not really imagine that anyone would harm Alec for a reason like that. Who would hurt anyone for a reason like that, it did not make any sense.

"Sorry for making the trouble." Alec murmured.

James looked up startled. "Not you Alec, that was not your fault." He shook his head. "Hell Alec, you didn't do anything wrong."

Alec looked up at him. "I know this sort of things has happened before, and I think I handled them better." Once more he struggled to remember. "Jokes, and were better. I could hardly keep my ground in there, and I know I've defeated worse."

"We have Alec." James said slowly, not much further back to the base now, which he was grateful. He did not like the way Alec looked. Pale, and his face was drawn with pain, but he also looked tiered, as if he had given up. "But it hardly is the same. It was different then."

Alec clenched his teeth and nodded, different? Oh, yes, they had been working together then. He had been fighting for James then. You always fought harder if you fought for someone else.

"You did well, Alec, really well." He tried to encourage him, to keep his spirit up. Q had alerted him when the signal came in, and James had been so very grateful for the signal. Was so very grateful. If not he would never had known that Alec was in trouble. He hated it, could not Alec walk alone without someone hurting him, trying to harm him. Why had they fought so hard, given up so much if Alec could not even walk on his own, without someone trying to harm him.

Alec closed his eyes, squeezed them shut and pressed a hand to his temple. His face turned towards the window, in pain most likely. James wished he could speed it up a bit, that he could drive faster, but if he did, they would have every police in the city on their tale, and he had to avoid that.

He had to avoid drawing any attention to Alec at the moment. It was a tricky situation since Alec had really been declared dead after that mission. Everyone had thought that he was dead, James had thought the shot was fatal, he had thought that he had seen him die.

When he got back there had been a notice about a car accident in the paper. A single accident. A sports car going over the safety railing and crashing. The driver, a young man by the name of Alec Trevelyan died instantly. The body had been destroyed beyond hope of saving when the wreck took fire. He had been there for the memorial service, Moneypenny, O'Moore and Q, not many others. M had been there to say a few short words, a recognition of Alec's worth and deeds, but it had not sounded right.

Not from an M who did not really care much for Alec or himself. After that there had only been the anonymous star on the memorial wall, just one more star, and no one really cared about who's star it was.

It had been the explanation, and I had not really been needed to start with. No one really cared about Alec, no one knew him enough to care, more than those few that worked there, and knew what had really happened.

You needed explanations when agents died thought. Even if no one really noticed, and Alec had died in a car accident. Now, the M-I6 would make up a new identity for him. Maybe they would make it so that he could keep his name, maybe he would be Alexander from that point on. It all depended on the amount of trouble they were willing to take for Alec. The easiest thing was to make it look like witness protection.

In that case it would be recorded as the new identity given to a witness in need of protection. Given how long it was since his recorded death, his name could be used as the new name. He hoped they would do it like that. M did not seem to have anything against Alec, seemed to quite care for him, and she would most likely do him that small curtsey.

"Just a few more minutes now Alec." He said softly, and Alec groaned in response. The adrenaline rush was debating, and so the pain he felt was increasing. Endorphin was really good in that regard, but there could not be a lot of either that or adrenalin in his system now.

It hurt a lot, and he would rather remain sitting in the car, than force himself to move again. Moving would hurt more than sitting still did. He knew that.

"No hurry." He muttered.

James pulled into the underground garage. O'Moore was already waiting there. He came over as soon as he saw the familiar car pull into a parking space. He looked worried James noted, very worried.

Alec did not move as the car stopped, and James reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Alec, we are back now. We'll have you cared off now." By now they would have taken the offenders into custody. They would be dealt with accordingly, and personally he did not think it would be harsh enough.

"Alec, lad. Are you alright?" O'Moore was sounding very worried, as worried as James felt.

Alec nodded, a small nod while he pressed both arms to his midsection. O'Moore reached out a hand to steady him as he got out of the car. He had wanted to go after Alec as well, but both of them could not leave at the same time, and they had both known that James was the better choice to go.

He had a feeling that M would restrict Alec to the base from now on, either that or restrict him from being on his own. They had thought he would be safe, but they had been wrong, oh, they had been so very wrong.

The bruises looked vivid and ugly on his flesh. Kicks aimed at kidneys, spleen and other internal organs had left large black bruises on his belly. Bruises that was also swollen, ribs that were cracked. It was little wonder Alec was still weak, he was not allowed to fully recover between the times.

He would be further weakened now, and if they harmed him again, then James would kill them.

"You should stay here over the night." James said softly to him as Alec leaned back against the pillows. The medics wanted to keep him over night at least, while Alec did not care much for the idea. "You need some rest now Alec."

"I know, I don't want to stay here." Alec shook his head, and then winced.

James had to smile in spite of the situation. They had always claimed that no one could get any rest in the infirmary. When they were not running around poking the with needles, the two men just never felt at ease there.

"There is no where else here Alec, and we can't leave the base at the moment." He explained.

"So I stay here for the night, and what then?" Alec asked tiredly. "What about the next time someone wants revenge? Can't always come to my rescue."

"Alec, we always looked out for each others, I'm not about to stop now." James said seriously.

"You're not gonna be here all the time." Alec groaned. "I never needed something like this, I know that, I stay here now, and then what? After this they won't want to have me around here."

"Alec, we're not gonna give up on you." James sighed. He couldn't face anything happening to Alec, but they would not give up on him. He could not believe that they would lock him up or something to get rid of him. Then he remembered the cell he had seen Alec in.

A small dim cell, and Alec had been hurt, left with neither food nor water. He had been shivering with cold, and he himself had left him like that. Little wonder Jack believed them capable of it, he had already done it to him once.

He took a deep breath. Alec was leaning back against the pillows tiredly. He wanted to sleep, but it was hard to relax. When he breathed it felt as if his lungs were catching fire. He could tell the medics about that particularly discomfort, and either they would either tell him that there was nothing to be done about it, or they would give him some sedative. That might sound like a good idea, but somehow those sedatives just made you feel all disoriented and everything, but they never took the pain away. He had no idea why it was like that, but it always were.

"Do you want me to go so that you can sleep?" James asked. He knew what he had always answered before.

"No." Alec looked up at him. "Its bad enough as it is." He braved a smile, and James smiled as well, mostly because he knew that routine so well.

"You think its bad now." He baited with a grin. "Just wait until the torture begins."

For a second worry crossed over his features, then Alec looked confused, and to James it felts as if a dagger had been thrust into his heart and twisted. He knew well how the thrust and twist of daggers felt, but it never used to be in his heart it stabbed. Never his friend who held the hilt, but Alec did not know what he meant anymore, one of their oldest jokes.

"The food Alec." He said softly.

"Oh, yeah." It made sense he supposed, for the food had been rather bleak the last time. It was more or less cold when he got it, and the taste was bland and not very good to say the least. So that was another joke between the two of them, he kept coming across those, jokes and bets. Competition for a pint, and always trying to out wit the other.

Was that all it had ever been between them as friends, jokes, petty competition about things that didn't really matter? Was trying to out wit each other the only thing they ever did?

What was so special about their friendship if there was never anything more to it than that? Jokes, pithy comebacks, glib remarks, maybe they were amusing, but was it enough?

If he was going to go through hell for that friendship, he wanted to know that it was worth it first. He did not want to put either himself or James through it if it was not worth it.

He opened his mouth to ask James if it was worth it, and gasped as a spasm of pain seared his chest. When it faded away he could barely recall what it was he had wanted to ask anymore.

"Try to get some rest Alec." James said softly, hoping he would feel better if he was able to rest. He himself intended to stay and make sure nothing happened to him. He would watch over him, at least for now, and then once more, they had to try and figure out a way to keep him from harm.

It seemed as if there was a lot of them that just waited for them to let their guard down.

Later the next day when he and O'Moore had another meeting with M he asked Moneypenny to watch over him. Alec had been quiet and apprehensive, not really saying very much. Thought that was most likely the sedative and the pain.

The meeting utterly drained him. M wanted to know what they had found out from the information, and it was not something that was easy to talk about. Not when all of it was things that had been done to a fellow agent and a friend.

Not to mention that M thought the best solution was to send Alec away momentarily. If he could not walk around the base, then maybe they should send him somewhere where he would be guarded and protected. The idea made James furious, and even O'Moore showed his anger for once. Saying that it was a ridiculous idea.

James countered with claiming that if their head quarters was not safe enough, then something was clearly wrong there. The problem was not that their head quarters was not secure in themselves, for their were nothing more secure. The problem was that so many there thought Alec was a traitor, and wanted him to suffer for it.

_**TBC**_

Please review, the Cricket is hungry…


	11. Chapter 11

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

* * *

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

Chapter 11

"Can I ask you a question about James?" Alec asked slowly.

He and Moneypenny had been sitting in mostly silence, well, she was sitting and he was half lying. Yet neither of them had seen much need to speak, but now there was something he wanted to know, needed to know.

"Of course Alec." She smiled at him.

"Every time we speak, and I remember something, it seems to be jokes." He said thoughtfully, taking great care with phrasing himself. "Jokes about what we were doing. Trying to outwit each other, and the rest of it is some sort of competition where someone gets to buy the other a pint." He looked at Moneypenny and she nodded.

"Was that all there ever was?" He asked, a tone of something desperate creeping into his voice. "What made the two of us so good friends, that he is willing to do all this for me, and I broke down because I thought he had abandoned me, if all there ever was to it was jokes. If it never meant more than seeing who would buy the rest round. I want to know that we meant more to each others than a glib remark, a pithy comeback, but I can't find it."

Moneypenny looked at him, it would be Alec that suffered from that doubt, where James was more secure. Alec was the greater thinker of the two. They would drink them self senseless together. James to drown out the screams of the ones he failed to save. Alec to drown the guilt he felt over failing to set the world to rights.

James felt his guilt for failing to keep someone good alive, while Alec felt the same guilt over killing evil to let good live. He was more complicated than James, more caring. He was the one who cared more about others.

"There wasn't much more, nothing that we saw." She told him and she saw how his heart sank with despair. His eyes showing all the pain in those green gems of his. "No Alec, I did not mean that he did not care for you, or you for him, but it was all in the jokes."

Now the poor thing looked confused, and she wanted to hold him close. Two things stopped her, with his sore ribs he would not thank her, and would Alec who had never really known any comforting touches understand what it was.

She decided on trying to explain instead. "James is to proud to say outright that he cares for someone, so he hides it in the jokes, in his mockery. You, you hid your uncertainty of how to express it in the same jokes. Its not your fault Alec, but you never knew how to express to someone that you cared, and James would not. So the two of you used your banter for it."

At least he did not look half as confused now.

"You mean all that teasing and mocking was just smoke and mirrors?" He asked, and she nodded.

"Pretty much yes." She smiled at him again. "Oh, the two of you were quite the pair of silver tongues when seducing some poor girl. But you never could say outright to each other that you cared. I know you tried to work it out a few times Alec. When something had happened and you wanted the assurance that you mattered to him as much as he mattered to you, and even if he could not really understand that, he did his best. He's just to much of an arrogant bastard to show it."

Alec smiled at that, and smiling herself she reached out a hand and touched his cheek. Stroking it lightly and noting the soft whiskers that was growing out, a bit rough now, but if they grew to be longer it would be a soft beard. She was stroking the burned cheek, and the beard growth was irregular in the scar tissue, Alec would never grow a beard, for it could not grow properly in those scars.

He looked at her startled, mouth slightly open as if he had been taken by surprise, and he had.

She gave him a reassuring smile, and he swallowed, still looking surprised and not a little confused.

"Its really very easy Alec, just a small touch to let someone know how much you care about them. I can do it, and I like doing it, I like letting people know I care about them, when it is this easy." She stroked the burned cheek once more. The scars stood out, and she hated the fact that someone had done this to him, but never would she let him think those scars was disgusting to her. Besides she was getting her point across it seemed. "But it never worked between the two of you, so you dressed it up in jokes, teasing and bantering. It was never about buying a pint Alec, it was about celebrating that you were both okay. That you had done it and were back safe."

"Really?" He asked, he thought he could feel her hand still on his cheek, even if that cheek was usually more numb after the burns. The burning had reduced some feeling for him.

"Yes, really." She chuckled.

Alec frowned thoughtfully, and it made him look so cute. When it came down to Alec and all the names he had been called by, well, the insults by villains did not count here. She much preferred the 'eternal schoolboy' to play boy twin number two.' That just made him sound to much like James. Some jealous agent or other worker had made up the name 'James' loyal lapdog' for him. Claiming James had him on a leash.

The female secretaries had made up quite many names for both him and James when discussing the two most popular agents. Most often they would first be praising James to the skies, then after he had seduced them, cursing him. Alec was not praised the same way, but neither did he become cursed in the same manner either. They thought it was because he did not want James rejects, and because they themselves had decided not to allow themselves be seduced by an agent again.

She however had noted that Alec always stepped back when James were in the playboy mood. Or almost always, once or twice he would just laugh, push James back and step forward himself. Only those women never looked close enough to see that, and so when they were cursing James arrogance, Alec got a fair share of it as well.

Alec was still frowning, and she could tell that he was deep in thought.

"Read between the lines in the quips Alec." She advised him. "Its all there."

Alec frowned again, deep in thought trying to figure it out. "It just seems so silly, to disguise it instead of saying something outright. There's not enough time if you can't say a thing like that outright."

Moneypenny smiled at him. "Hindsight." She said. "The two of you always thought that you had all the time in the world and that no one, or nothing could stop you. I don't think that James ever realised that it was not true. Or maybe he did, but after he lost you it did not matter any more."

"Strange." Alec said softly. "There was never any loyalty there, never, I guess I should have realised, I know I should have realised, but I thought that if only I was loyal, then they would be as well. At least they gave me a place where I knew where I were, even if it seemed odd. I thought that maybe it had never been different than that."

Moneypenny nodded, she could understand that he would seek out the only one who offered him any kind of comfort.

She could understand why he would not go out on his own in a world he didn't know anything about.

"You couldn't have known Alec." She said. "Stop berating yourself for something you couldn't do anything about."

"But what if I could have?" Alec demanded anxiously. "Everyone tells me that there was no way I could have known, yet everyone was angry before they figured out what had happened. If I could have done something then, why couldn't I now, what changed. If only I had looked maybe I would have seen what it was all about."

"You said yourself that everyone changed when they found out what happened." She pointed out. "Doesn't that mean that you should understand it was not your fault, now that you know it."

He looked away. "I don't know."

It was almost impossible to resist reaching out her hand once more to smoothen down his hair. She wanted so badly to comfort him. The little lost boy who was not quite sure what was going on all the time. He was such a darling boy.

"Don't berate yourself Alec, it was not your fault alone, and you should not bear responsibility for it alone either."

Alec leaned back against the pillows, tiredly, and tried not to think about it. "I wonder what they will decide about me?" He murmured. "I don't think the new M will put up with much more trouble from me." He closed his eyes as if he was trying to sleep. "And James will argue, he always does, he claims he never lets his feelings get the better of him, but he does." Then he frowned, wondering how he had known that, for he could not recall a single situation like that.

He recalled having challenged him about it, saying that he knew that James' loyalty was always to the mission and never to the friend. Why had he said that? Had he believed it to be true, or had he wanted to know if it was true. They had told him at some point that James would never care a wit about an old partner, and yet some of his instincts said that James would do all he could to save a friend. It felt as if he had wanted that reassurance, and he had not gotten it.

What would have happened if James had given him that assurance at that point, would he have turned his back on the other scheme if he knew that there was someone willing to still show some loyalty? Most likely.

If so, he would have ignored the tranquilizer dart and gone over to James, he would have, he knew he would have, all that time, every time he came across James. He were always looking for that thing James would say that would set him free from those others, but he never found it. James always said something else, something Alec did not understand, and after every time it had felt as if he had been stabbed, it had felt like betrayal, and he had tried to quench that hurt by working harder. Hoping that someone, anyone would offer him a few words of comfort.

Slowly he drifted off into sleep, and as he desired that comfort so badly, he could almost imagine that someone was actually offering it to him.

Beside the bed Moneypenny sat twirling one of his looks around her finger. His hair was a bit short for that, but just long enough, and without him realizing it, it seemed to lull him asleep with the soothing motion.

She too wanted to know what they would decide about him, and if it was something that was not good for Alec, she was even willing to side with James in this round, something she would not normally do.

"What did they decide?" Alec asked when James came back. Or rather, James had been back for some time, but Alec had just woken up. He still felt drained enough to get right back to sleep thought, getting the living daylight beaten out of you did that.

"M's trying to think of a way to keep you safe." James said apprehensively, not wanting to give away all the details that entailed just yet.

"And you don't like the idea?" He tried to pick up on the subtle notes in James' voice now. Hoping he could discover some of the things that would be there according to Moneypenny.

"I want to keep you safe as well." James said in a slightly offended voice, that Alec would think otherwise, but it was to hide the fact that he had not really answered the question.

"She wants to lock me up, doesn't she?" James gave him a startled look, sort of giving away that his guess had been correct.

"She wants you to be in a more secure ward for some time." James said after some hesitation.

"Locking me up." Alec said firmly. "That is what it means anyway."

"I'm against it." James sounded almost nervous, as if he feared Alec would think that he wanted to do it as well.

"Is there going to be a choice?" Alec asked looking at him, he looked about as nervous as James ever did. Not much, but it was there.

"We're working on it." James said after he swallowed. "We're trying to find something else."

'Or just let them.' Alec thought, it would be easier. Then he would not have to worry anymore, it would be just him and his guilty conscious.

"One thing is for certain, I wont just let them stow you away somewhere." James said, and for a brief moment Alec wondered if he could read minds.

"It would be easier." He murmured beneath his breath.

"I don't give a damn if it's easier or not." James said in a cold hard voice. "I'm not gonna let them do that." He tried to think of an alternative. "Look Alec, if you stayed at my place, and stayed there, no one could catch you unaware the same way. They'd have to break in to do that."

Alec did not feel like pointing out that it would actually be much the same thing. He would still be restrained to a small space, and not allowed to leave it.

"Or Q could fix a better alarm." James suggested, then seemed to realize that it was not so far from what M wanted to do. He sighed tiredly. "Or we can just kill all of them and we wont have to worry about it anymore."

Alec offered a small smile. "Tempting."

"The thing is, that whatever we do, we might have to get you away from here." James looked away, unable to look him in the eyes as he suggested it.

Leave, Alec had to look away as well. He had just gotten back. He would have to leave the only place that had any familiarity for him, could he do that? He was tiered of not knowing what was happening around him. It was that fear that had made him stay, made him tell himself that everything was as it should, even as he had been sending out pleas to James to tell him what he was supposed to do instead.

The question was, could he function out in the world? He knew only the world of the agents. He could infiltrate, and he could fit in. He had just never lived a normal life, most did before they joined. James until his parents died, but Alec who had never had any parents. Had gone from orphanage to boarding school, and then straight to training, he had never known the every day life most took for granted.

Before he would have handled it easily, but now that his memory was compromised, he tended to rely so much more on James, on O'Moore, Moneypenny and Q. They were his touch stone to reality, and what would he do if he did not have them?

He tried to imagine it, but it did not go well. Then he realised that it would be some high security institution, and they would be telling him what to do every second, and in a way it would be a relief.

He felt weary again, tiered, so he leaned back and closed his eyes. Maybe if he slept, James would think about something else, and would not berate himself for what had happened.

Alec woke up with a scream ringing in his ears. The raged high pitched scream of someone terrified, someone who was being tortured. He shot up, not caring about the searing pain in his chest, looking around and trying to find the danger.

There would have to be danger for someone to scream like that. What had happened?

"Alec." James voice, and he sounded close to panic, it had to be bad then. "Alec." He looked around, choked back a sob of despair, tried to shut out the pain in his chest and tried to spot James. "Alec." He could hear James voice growing more desperate, were they hurting James? Then there was a hand on his arm and he tried to shake it off, free himself, but something was keeping him from moving.

"Alec, keep still, Alec. Its me, keep still before you hurt yourself."

Slowly Alec realised that it was James holding him, that there was a fire in his chest, and it was the bed sheet that had tangled in his legs and held him fast.

"Who screamed?" He asked. "What happened?"

"You had a nightmare, you screamed." James said soothingly. "Its okay now Alec, it was just a dream."

"What was it about?" His voice was still hitched, because of fear an pain.

James smiled softly. "I don't know." It was Alec's dream, he did not know, but it had sounded bad. Yet Alec frowned, as if he thought that James was keeping something from him. It tore at his heart to see his friend like this, he had never been like this before, or no, that was not true.

One time, many years before, Alec had been much like this. They had tortured Alec, badly. Not just the average torture that all the agents had to out up with. It had been experts, and they had done their worst. Alec had distanced himself from himself in order to hold out.

Alec had been someone he was aware of, but it was not him, and so the pain did not concern him. How many times had he not seen him do it to a lesser degree, when they were tortured or beaten. It was a defence of his someone had said.

Most often it was a good thing, because Alec would look past his own situation and think objectively. Instead of being crippled by the pain he would be looking for a way out. Yet it was frightened when the level increased to this much. When it made some people think that he was mentally challenged because of it.

He cursed himself for not having seen it sooner. He should have, how many times had he teased Alec for focusing on the injustice that their cell faced the sunup instead of the sunset, when he himself was more concerned about the interrogation, and the fact that they could not leave the cell.

It was Alec who spent the interrogation complaining on just that detail, he wanted a cell that faced the other way, and when they would not allow that, he found a way to get out of it.

"Monsters Alec." He told him, and Alec nodded. If the problem was that Alec had withdrawn to his more analytic mood, he would trust what James told him. Now he himself had to find away to draw Alec out of that mood. Before someone decided that he was a nut case and looked him up in an institution for that. Those who knew Alec, also knew that he was not acting like himself with this display of insecurity and everything.

He looked at him and frowned, he was muttering something. All James could pick up off it however was something about 'monster land,' and not being allowed to leave without permission. Was he crazy after all?

What if something that had happened really had sent him around the bend. Then he relaxed as Alec at least seemed to go back to sleep. He tried to remember what it had been that would make Alec slip into his protective mood, and what would draw him out of it.

It was just that as far as he could recall, Alec would always snap out of it as soon as he got back, and he obviously had not this time. It was one more thing they would have to discuss. There weren't all that many of them to argue Alec's point, not to many who thought he was worth it. Not enough to convince M they could deal with it.

It was tying up James, taking to much of Moneypenny's time, and even if he knew that M didn't really want to lock Alec up, she claimed she was running out of options.

How much more time did he have, he rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. He hated fighting against the clock. Absolutely hated it. How long was it since he had had the time to go out and find someone to relax with? He had not been able to flirt with a woman for ages, unless you counted the odd secretary, and they had all turned him down.

His reputation in the office tended to make the women there turn him down. He suspected that it was the tales Moneypenny told about him that was the reason. Surely they would not turn him down unless she was telling false tales about him.

On the other hand it made it that more exiting to try and win her over, she, with her resistance, was the ultimate victory.

It was funny though, he had never thought that Moneypenny and Alec were such good friends, she had never been much more friendly with Alec than she was with him. Okay, so Alec never tried to use his charm on her, but that was because both of them knew she was his victory to win.

Alec knew when to leave alone and let the better one handle it. Why Moneypenny was so difficult he did not know, he would have guessed that she was one of those man hating feminists, but he knew she had been on dates. So he suspected she was just difficult.

Well, sooner or later he would win her. The sooner the better, because if M locked Alec up, it would make it all the harder.

Heck, he was not sure what he would do if M locked Alec up. Once more he felt as if he wanted to shake Alec until he came back to his senses.

Alec awoke slowly, and he preferred it that way. It meant that there was no wave of pain crashing down on him. Instead he became gradually more aware of it. He recalled the last conversation, about the monsters, well, after that they had gone back to monster land and he had been safe. It was funny, but the monsters looked different now.

They were no longer green slimy things with glowing red eyes. Now they were made out of the fear of being locked away, discarded and unwanted. Out of never knowing more about himself than he knew now. Out of fear that James would not think it worth it anymore.

It was a new breed of monsters entirely, and those were more frightening than the slimy ones had ever been.

James was sleeping in his chair, and so Alec kept still so that he would not wake him.

This was yet another thing that felt vaguely familiar. Trying to be silent so that the other man would not wake up. Had he done the same on some mission? No matter how much he strained his brain he could not remember.

"Are you trying to think up a way to end poverty?" James asked suddenly with a grin. He had woken up and seen Alec looking incredible intent.

"I'll take that when I can remember why this feels familiar." Alec confessed, he had been so caught up in his strain to remember, that he had not even noticed that James had woken up on his own.

"What is familiar?" James asked, jumping at the chance to try and get Alec back on track.

"This." Alec said softly. "I tried not to wake you, and it feels as if I've done that before, but I can't remember why."

"Because you were always the considerate one, while I never cared about others enough for things like that." With Alec being the exception, James thought. He could think about something like that when it came to Alec, but not all that often. Not when it was Alec sitting beside the bed, as it had been a few times.

Maybe Moneypenny was right, at least partially. He was to selfish at times, he had never looked out for Alec as much as he should have had. While Alec had always put him before himself. It was a wonder that someone who was really as gentle and compassionate as Alec had ever been able to be a secret agent.

How someone could be so naïve and so caring even in that line of work was beyond him.

Alec frowned, as if he did not know what James meant.

"It's you putting everyone else first, while I was always the selfish bastard." James stated.

"I don't remember that." It was a weak attempt at a joke, but it was enough to make them both smile.

_**TBC**_

_**Please Review, the Cricket is hungry…**_


	12. Chapter 12

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

12

Alec approached the desk, walking nervously and a bit stiffly as well. Nervously because he was nervous, and stiffly because he was still aching pretty much all over.

This was something he knew for certain, a feeling of unease from approaching M's office.

She wanted to see him this time, and not James. He wondered what it would be about. Why she would want to see him this time, he rather feared that it would not be good.

She nodded as he entered, noticing that he looked far more nervous than common for an agent. On the other hand she could understand it.

"I trust you have recovered." She opened the conversation.

Alec nodded, she had not asked him there to ask him that, there would be more to this, much more.

"You are right, Trevelyan." M stated. "There is more to this. I had intended to keep you here until Bond could tell me of an alternative. But it is proving to tying up one of my agents for to long, and if you can not walk around here without being attacked. We need to find an alternative now."

"That would be locking me up then." Alec said quietly.

"Not if I don't have to, but what am I to do with you?" M waved her hand towards a chair, and Alec sat down tiredly.

"I don't know, I don't know what to do so that no one would ever have to worry about me again." Alec said softly.

"I worry about two things, Trevelyan." M stated. "I worry about what you might do, and I worry about what others might do to you. The thing I worry the least about is what you would do, in fact it does not seem you will do much of anything to defend yourself."

Alec nodded again, there was really nothing for him to say.

"So if not here on base, where can we keep you?" M asked leaning back.

Alec realized to his surprise that it was actually a question, she wanted suggestions from him.

"Prison?" He asked softly. It should serve, no one would worry about him doing anything there.

"What crime did you commit, Trevelyan?" M suddenly shifted her weight forward, focusing on him and looking intent. "None that I am willing to convict you for, and I do not take that so lightly that I will send you there no crime committed." For a mere second her features softened. "We have a policy here, Trevelyan. Or at least I have, I will send out any man to die if it should be needed, but I do not spend them lightly. And one agent missing and held for nine years with no one realizing it, is not something I take lightly on either."

Alec could not understand, well, he understood the policy, but not why it should concern her what happened to him. He had been gone many years when she took the job.

"At the time there was no way no one could have known, but in nine years our intelligence should have found out about it, that is why Trevelyan. That is why I will not lock you up, so, what do we do with you?"

Alec thought about it, where could he stay? What could he do? He had never had any other job, any other training, he knew nothing more than how to be an agent.

"We could arrange for you to live somewhere, but you would want to be close to Bond." M went on. "Tell me now Trevelyan, would it be safe to let you out on the streets?"

"I think so." Alec hesitated a moment before answering. "About as before at least."

"Good, that is a start then." M nodded looking pleased with herself. "I assume Bond will have nothing against you bunking in with him, and for some time you should probably keep away from the base, though I will not forbid you coming here either." She slid two plastic cards towards him, and a few sheets of paper.

The smile she gave him was almost sad. "Alec Trevelyan died nine years ago Alec, an accident as it was recorded. There is nothing to do about that, but it is long enough ago that you may keep the name, as a new man. You are a witness under protection, one of ours I might add, and this will allow you to move around freely enough in the near area."

Alec nodded, so he could keep his name, that was good. It was all he had. The thought of a new life did not bother him, not since he hardly knew his old one.

The other card was a credit card.

"That will be enough for living expenses." She told him. "It's a very difficult situation here, and no one is quite sure of what to make of it, maybe they will pay you off to compensate you for what you lost, maybe not, I don't know. But that should take care of it for now."

Once more Alec nodded, really, what else could he do?

Living expenses? Odd thought, that was for normal people, but then it meant that James would not have to feed him, for Alec did not have any money anymore. His will had long since been read, and it was like M said, Alec Trevelyan died nine years ago.

Alec could make himself comfortable enough at James' place he guessed. Comfortable in some regards at least, but staying there all alone during the days was not something he looked forward to.

Not at all, seeing James leave in the morning, however cheerful he acted, he did not feel it. He had come to latch on to James he realized, and so being all alone, made him feel lonely. He could watch the telly, search for something in the bookcase. Not many believed it, but James ad quite a few books. Some he could even enjoy reading, but he was to restless to do it.

He could not sit still long enough to make an actually headway in the books. He always wound up putting it down and getting up to look out the window or something.

"Not really an option then." James said softly to himself when he got back and saw how tightly strung Alec was. To him it seemed like it made Alec to agitated, even if he was not aware of it himself.

Alec shrugged, and it was a jerky motion where his muscles was so tightly pulled.

James shook his head at him. "Not really an option Alec." He repeated. "I'm thinking of dropping you off with Q in the morning. With all of his gadgets, you should be safe there." Then he grinned. "Or we drop you with Moneypenny, for some reason I think she'd try to keep you safe as well." He was not quite sure why, but Moneypenny seemed to be quite protective towards Alec, and she was one to be reckoned with.

Moneypenny could not really be said to belong to the weaker sex, and even James had to admit it. She knew how to speak for herself, and he had no doubts she could inflict some damage if she wanted. There was no way she had been around secret agents for so many years, and not learnt a thing or two. James was certain that if she wanted to she could kill efficiently.

Alec turned his eyes down, but gave a small grin at that suggestion, enough to acknowledge the tease.

"Never mind." James chuckled. "I picked up some Chinese on the way home. Lets eat before it gets cold. That stuff is creepy enough as it is."

"Nothing creepy about it." Alec rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen the muscles.

James snorted. "The stuff they put in the food is." He grinned as he retrieved the paper bag with the food. "We've both had worse though, so we should make do."

Alec nodded, a vague memory of how James would make good natured complaints about everything that was not English. Not pizza though, that he would claim to be English.

He had gotten used to the more Russian dietary now, there was a slight difference to the menu, and it was what he had been given. He had grown to like it, but he guess that you grew to like whatever it was that was served in the country where you lived. Her had not been Russian from the starts. He had grown up in England. The orphanage in the small village was his first clear memory.

"Alec, don't think about all that now." James said, he had seen that thoughtful, far away look in Alec's eyes, and he had known he was thinking about the past.

Alec shook his head to scatter the thoughts and sat down on the sofa beside James. To think that such a small thing as a bulled had erased so many years of his life. How big had that bullet been? He measured out the size he thought between his thumb and forefinger. It was small, very small to have done that kind of damage, but then again there was all the times those small metal lumps had nearly killed him or James.

A tiny lump of metal could destroy someone's life, or take it.

He wished that people would just stop throwing them away so carelessly.

Alec slipped of towards the back when an agent came into the workshop for equipment, it was better that they did not see him to get upset about what he was doing there. The workshop was always a chaos, so no one really paid any heed to him unless he was just in front of them.

Q was currently working on modifying some stuff, he wanted a portfolio and some business man attire to look innocent, but to be all but it. One day, he mused, some agent would take the wrong pen, and kill himself with an overdose pf poison.

He himself had always wondered when the day would come where he pushed the wrong button. James had claimed that he, Alec, had gotten to know it first handed. He himself could not yet recall the incident, but from what James had said it could not have been the most pleasant experience.

Yet he always seemed to know by instinct what to push on the watch. The first time he needed it he had found himself just pushing the button, then came the realization of what he was doing. It had not been memory of what the watch could do, what functions it had, it had been instinct that let him use it still.

It had been a strange thing to discover, even stranger as he could not recall anything else about it. He had been turning it over in his hands, and his fingers had found button after button, displaying all those special functions, even as he could not recall a single one of them before he pressed the button for it.

It had been strange, very strange.

Now he cold recall all of it, when he got the watch, when he first used it, but not all that much more. He wondered when the second time had been, what he had been doing then.

Q noted the exact moment when Alec hung back, how he acted like a Camelot, trying to blend in with the background. He was good at it as well, the ability of an agent. He hung back, faded out of view, even as he was still there. It was just a trick of not sticking out, he looked as if he should be where he was, and so no one seemed to give him a second glance. Not even the agents that should be detecting all such things.

It was most likely that the agents were comfortable on the home front. They did not look around for threats within their own base, and that was something that he suspected could be their downfall one day.

It was agents like Alec and James, that always looked around for danger, never relaxed, and where always suspicious that survived. To many of them wound up getting careless in the end. They made mistakes, they forgot about things and they got killed. Q doubted that Alec would ever grow careless in that manner, nor James.

James had changed when Alec got missing, he had realized that they could be defeated and it was a lesson James had learnt hard, never again trusting things to turn out right.

Alec, he had never trusted to anyone but himself and a mere handful, it was the boy that had always been alone that knew what could happen if you did not look out the whole time, and Alec had never been one to be taken with his guard down.

He blended in, he always had, from the start. He had not been sure about what to do with that lad then, the one that had a nervous glint in his eye, even as he displayed a great confidence for a lad so young. He stood up to James, he faced down the comments about the new kid, and he came out grinning from the ordeal.

That was when Q had started caring about him more than knowing he liked him from the first impression. He had equipped him, and wondered whatever he would return alive or not.

_Q held out the watch to the young, green agent who fingered it before fastening the leather strap around his wrist. Young, a bit innocent for an agent, that much was obvious. The way he looked around at the new surroundings while James floundered around like a roaster. _

_The fact that he showed some respect was enough for Q to take a liking to him. To many of them thought a whole world to much of themselves. _

_Young Trevelyan listened carefully, smiled a bit at James antics and took in the instructions careful not to miss anything that might prove important. He was a bright lad or so Q thought. He also thought that it was a shame that he was going out with James, the one who was not well known for his care of the other agents with him. Sure, he was loyal, but he always put the mission first, and sometimes the newer agents needed to be cut some slack in order to survive long enough to go on a second mission. _

_So he handed him the new equipment and hoped that the would actually be there to return some of it in person. _

_It was pure delight later to see him standing there again, bruised and battered, and Q thought how James should have taken better care about him. Because as delighted as he was to see him still alive, unhurt would have been better. _

He had returned alive that time, and many other times. After missions executed perfectly where there was never any danger, and after those where he and James had been both captured and tortured, and then, he had not returned.

James had gotten back, and never had Q seen him act as coldly as he did then, he did not seem to care about anything at all. At first Q had been wondering what was going on, then he realized what Alec's absence meant. Not that he was delayed, not even that he was injured and had gone straight to the infirmary, no, it meant that he had been shot. That he would never come back again, and suddenly he understood how James felt.

James had been intent on revenge, he wanted to kill all of them, Q was willing to supply him for it, in the memory of a damned good agent and an even better friend.

Then with time the memory had faded, the need for revenge was no longer that strong. After some time it was nothing more than something that would make James rage if someone talked disrespectfully about his former partner.

Not that that ever was a common occurrence. Alec was remembered fondly by all those that actually did remember him.

Women who had turned him down in favour for James regretted it. Women who had only settled for him because James had turned them down, spoke of how great he had been. Those whom had actually gotten to know him, women and men, treasured the memory.

Odd how someone could mean so much to so many, but only if they all thought he was dead.

For no one rejoiced to see him again, now they scorned him instead, and it was so wrong that he should have hang back whenever one of those came near, so wrong, but he did not know how to change it. Thought he approached Alec as soon as they had left.

"My rules here Alec." He said softly. "They don't have any say in it."

Alec nodded, acknowledging that he knew, that he understood what Q meant.

"I think I prefer it this way." He answered in a voice that was just as soft. "It runs smother this way, I like it uncomplicated."

Q nodded, thought that simplicity should not be bought on the price of Alec, but there was nothing much to do about that now. Maybe it would be easier to keep him safe if not so many noticed that he was here, maybe it was a good thing in the end, but it sure as hell did not feel that way.

Absently he wondered what James would say if he saw it, seeing as how the other agent had gone from hating Alec to rage about the unfairness of it all.

He was instructed to keep him safe, because James could not really leave him at home during the day, and James had told them that they were thinking of sending him away some where. Q snorted, better get the bastards who where hurting him and send them off the base. Agents who could do such a thing was not suited to be agents. It was better to be rid of them.

Alec glanced at him when he snorted, one eye brow raised and head tilted to the side.

Q grinned. "There are plenty of fools in the world Alec, and some of them even bigger than James Bond." He felt triumph surge through him when Alec smiled, a wide grin that even bared his teeth and made him tilt his head back.

Q would never hesitate to call James a fool.

Alec was pacing back and forth in James apartment, M had asked him what he wanted? This was it, what he said this time, was what happened. There would be no way back from it this time. Well, in a cense, he was not getting life here. Yet it would be for a long time, a damn long time.

Two choices, memory therapy on the base, agent training actually. Someone had said that maybe if they stuck him in training again his memories of being an agent might come back. At the very least they thought he could learn to defend himself properly again. He shook his head, it was not that he could not, the fight with James aboard the antenna had proved that. It was that he was not so sure if he wanted to. There was a lot of maybes there. Yet, if only his body was healed enough he would be able to handle that part.

He doubted that he would be quite healed enough, and it would be damn awkward being there with a bunch of children. The agents in training tended to be young, very young. He knew he had been young, his guess was that he had signed on the same day that he graduated from the Boarding school. MI-6 was not the ones that waited for the dust to settle.

It was not the most tempting offer either. It would keep him relatively close to James, seeing as how they intended to make a special schedule for him, but it would keep him away from James and everyone else at times. Everyone else, he snorted as he looked out the window, there was only three others.

He turned around to pace another round.

The second alternative, memory therapy, that did seem to come up a lot. They seemed quite obsessed with making him remember everything that he had forgotten. He tried to recall if there was something special they wanted him to remember, then shrugged as he realized that if there were, he would have no clue about it.

He had told them all he knew about Janus, about that syndicate, about who was in charge for what. Nothing had really been new information to him.

More than the fact that the man who had put him in charge of it all, was the one who had shoot him and caused him to lose his memories. That hurt, it hurt a lot. Not that he had been betrayed by someone like that, it was only to be expected of that kind of creature. What hurt was knowing what he had missed because of one single bloody bullet.

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head to clear those thoughts. He did not want to think about that, but he could not shake the memory of waking up. Of being told how they had captured an agent, and he had not known they were talking about him.

He hugged his arms around himself and shuddered, so wrong, it was so wrong. He still had to decide, so he lowered his arms again and tried to concentrate.

"Easy Alec."

Alec shook his head as if to shake James hand from his shoulder, the older man's voice was soft and gentle, even caring, but Alec's brain was to much of a tornado of thoughts for it to register fully. He was down on his knees all of a sudden, his arms wrapped around his body again.

"I don't know what to do." He mumbled. "What am I to do James? What should I do." He shook his head again. "I don't know, what if I make the wrong decision. I can't think straight, I keep thinking about how he tricked me. I, I can remember how he talked about it, and he tricked me so easily. He did not even have to work hard to do it, it was so easy."

"Alec, I don't think that I would have done any better." James admitted, and Alec turned his eyes up at him.

James, the one who could do anything, had just admitted that he believed he would have been tricked as fast as Alec. It was a strange thought.

Alec swallowed as he met James eyes. Tried to clear his tight throat, and tried to chase out the storm clouds in his brain.

"If I pick training, they did say that I could still be near you at times?" Alec asked, taking one hand and touching James' where it lay on his shoulder.

"They did." James nodded.

"Do you want me to take that?" A quietly voiced question, quiet because Alec feared the answer.

"I want what's best for you Alec." Now James throat was tight. He wanted Alec close, he did not want to see him leave for who knew how long, but if he said that, then Alec would take the training because he though James wanted him to take that. It was not fair of them to place a decision like this on Alec now, but he knew why they had done it, and it had to be Alec who decided it.

Alec pulled away, looking a slight bit more agitated again. Then he shook his head. "I can't think about it right now, I want to think of something else for a moment. I need to think of something else."

"How about a game of chess then?" James asked softly. That should challenge him. "I got a set in one of the drawers, you find that, and I'll find us something to eat."

He went out into the kitchen and found two frozen tv dinners. At least Alec had stopped pacing he noted as it was quite in the other room. Maybe a game of chess would calm him down. Alec was quite a skilled strategic, so their games was usually challenging.

When he came into the room again he frowned as he saw Alec's back. By now he should have had the pieces set up on the board, but he did not. He was still peering into the drawer. Not the one with the chess set though, James noted, the other one. The one he was not sure if he had opened even once since Alec went missing. He swallowed as Alec was turning a cigarette lighter in his hands.

He felt nervous and not just because there was one of Q's hidden features inside that one, and he could not recall what it was, or how it showed.

"I know this." Alec shook his head again as he turned it over in his hand, flicked the lid open, frowned as it sparked but did not light. There was nothing in it to catch on. "I know it." He did not seem to be aware of James as he spoke. He just snapped the lid close, flicked it open again, shut it close, and open. He did it in a casual manner, as he had done many times.

James swallowed again, he should know it. Alec should know it very well, as often as he had used it.

"Careful, that has one of Q's things in it." James warned him, his voice not much more than a breath. What was it that thing did? He thought it was something nasty.

"I know." With a sure motion Alec had it exposed. A slim needle that would be sure to do a lot of damage.

"I know it." He repeated again. "I've used it." He sent the needle back into the lighter, and then he turned to James. "You gave me this." He looked surprised, as if he had not been able to believe that he could have gotten something like this from James. "You gave it to me, because I did not know when my birthday was, it was you James."

James nodded, it was amazing that Alec recalled, he himself had forgotten about the objects in the drawer. All of it things he had gone to rescue before they cleaned out Alec's apartment. All of it things he could not stand to think of would be thrown away.

He set the lighter down again and picked up a fountain pen, turning I over in his hands the same way as he had the lighter. "I know this as well." He mumbled. "I got it at the boarding school, some cross country race, and I won it." His thumb fingered a scratch on the steam. He knew it got there when James borrowed it for something, because of the embarrassed grin James wore when he handed it back. The same as he wore now. Knowing his guilt, and Alec smiled.

He looked into the drawer again, at first it looked like an odd collection of junk, even some half molten pieces of metal, coins, but he knew those things.

When he took up the lumps the weight was familiar. "My lunch money." He said with a smile. It looked nothing like coins, it was lumps of metal that had run and dripped, melted by the short circuit Alec had made by jamming them into a dooms day device. It had been a last option thing to do, and the explosion from it had showered him in sparks in something akin to the Niagara falls. He had burned his fingers talking the lumps that was all that remained of the coins, but he had taken them as he got out of there, and the bloody things had near burnt a hole in his pocket, for real.

He was fingering the odd items in the drawer, smiled as he saw a small medallion he had won in the boarding school, fencing. Physical activities had been required, and he had picked what seemed to suit him the best.

"How did they get here?" Alec asked shaking his head.

"I took them here." James admitted. "I knew they would be cleaning out your apartment, and I could not stand to think that they would be taking everything away. It felt as if they would be erasing you, and I could not stand that. So I went there, and I got what I could, what I knew they would not miss. I had to keep something of you."

Alec fingered a silver tie clip absently. "It really is mine then?" He asked. He had worn it when he was just a green agent, when he wanted to look as experienced as the others. When he wanted to look as the always proper James Bond.

James nodded. "I had almost forgotten about it." He admitted. "I never could stand to look at it, but I could not stand to think it would have been thrown away at some point either."

"It would seem like junk to everyone else." Alec agreed. He fingered one of the metal lumps again. Not quite a pound, the price that had bought the world. Interesting that something so small could do so much.

"Not to me." James took up another odd item. A flower in a small glass encasement, it looked like the one you'd wear on your suit. So at some time Alec had worn it, and that moment had meant enough that the man had kept it.

"I was undercover at some fancy dinner." Alec said as he studied it closer. "My undercover date wanted me to wear that to blend in."

James gave him a curious look, this seemed like something he had not heard about before. "You were away." Alec went on, the memory came slowly, but it came. "They needed someone on a really short notice. Moneypenny called me at home and told me to dress up. Then when I got there she was waiting for me, because she was the only one that could show up so fast, and she briefed me on the way there." He smiled fondly at the flower as he remembered it. "Work aside, we had a quite nice time."

"I can imagine." James nodded. So Alec had in some odd way been on a date with Moneypenny, a part of him was slightly jealous about it, but not really. Alec and Moneypenny was friends, it was only natural that if she had to do field work, she wanted to be with someone she trusted. He was also thrilled that Alec could tell the tale about each and everyone of the all items.

They talked, about all kind of odd things, and little by little, Alec was able to pull more of it from his muddled memory. Sometimes James had to nudge him into the right direction every step of the way. Feed him morsels of it, and Alec would be able to piece them together, some things he simply could not recall, even when James told them in full.

Yet suddenly he could recall the time the explosive went off to early, and they wound up looking like chimney sweepers. He recalled it, and James rejoiced.

"Do you think we can reheat this?" James poked in his dinner, they servings had been forgotten, and now the gravy had turned jelly looking.

"I'm pretty sure we have had worse." Alec braved a smile as he looked at his own, the beef looked a bit like a string of leather.

James nodded. "Anything's better than those field ration packages they would send with us." He hated those.

Alec looked up. "The ones that tasted like Strawberries?" He asked.

James blinked and swallowed. The last time he had heard Alec say that was aboard the iron train, when Alec had kissed Natalya. Then he had been furious, because he had not understood that it was Alec who tried to trigger a response about a vague memory, now, he had finally found the rest of that memory it seemed, and his whole face shone up with happiness about it.

"The ones _you_ claimed tasted like strawberries." He said trying to swallow the lump in his throat. The field rations was a much happier memory. He had been complaining about them, and Alec had claimed that they tasted like strawberries. James had claimed it was silly, but Alec had just laughed and claimed that he liked strawberries, and so why should he not think that they tasted like strawberries rather than chicken.

Alec had claimed that the only difference was the name on the label, and if they could say chicken, he could say strawberries. James had thought that maybe it was easier for him to choke it down if he thought it had a taste, for really, the worst thing with them was that they had no taste whatsoever.

Then later it had become a joke, maybe Alec had joked that way his whole life, but later James had been let in on it. Anything sweet, or anything that Alec could not quite describe, tasted like strawberries. It was just something Alec did.

"_Lovely." Alec smacked his lips and breathed out a sigh. _

"_Its gone brackish." James pointed out as he sipped his own canteen. It would be a long time before he could drink again, and he wanted to drain it. Dehydration, drinking to much to fast would be dangerous, so even if both of them wanted to drain the canteens of every drop they could not do it. It had gone brackish, but James did not really care. He wanted it anyway. _

_He looked at the watch, they were timing when they could drink again. They would have to wait almost twelve hours to pick up, a long time to wait, but finally they had a larger supply of water. _

_The two of them had been without it for so long that they could not do much more than lay around waiting anyway. Grateful for the shade. Alec shifted a little. Putting his bottle down. It was lukewarm, and not very fresh, but holding the bottle would not make it any colder. Still, he was not keen of letting it out of his sight. _

"_I don't care, It tastes wonderful." He declared. _

_It would, James thought with a smile. Alec had not been looking to fresh there at the end. It was clear that the water had done a lot of good. _

"_It does he agreed." Glancing at the watch again. It moved damns slow. _

"_Really." Alec licked his lips and smiled at James, he sounded thoughtful, as if he was trying to pin the taste down. James would have settled for 'brackish' but this was Alec, he would try to describe it. "Tastes like Strawberries." He finally said, sounding for all the world as if he was exploring the lingering taste on his tongue. _

"_Have you taken sun stroke?" James looked at him, for a moment almost a little worried. Then he looked at Alec's lopsided grin and laughed. Recalling that habit of claiming 'everything' tasted like strawberries. "You're crazy." He laughed. _

_Alec snorted. "I'm trying to enjoy myself here. And as lovely as water is, strawberries does improve the taste, if you don't mind." The last he said with an upper class accent that made James think of the English in India, the ones that was portrayed as the explorers who would sit in the jungle drinking lemonade with ice. Alec was quite good at that kind of impersonations. _

"It does improve the taste you know." Alec gave him a small smile. "Thinking of something more pleasant while you eat it."

"It may work for you, but it does not work for me." James shook his head. "Anyway, I think I'd rather heat a new one than try to reheat this one. I just cant see it as turning out very good."

"Maybe." Alec tried to figure out whatever it was potato or rubber. One thing was certain, the peas was a bit to hard to be ordinary peas. Maybe they had grown in a really rocky terrain.

James took them and dumped them in the trash can. Then he put two fresh one to heating. "This time we had better not forget about them." He told Alec thoughtfully.

"I don't intend to." For the first time in a long time Alec was hungry, really hungry, and so he watched the food eagerly. James smiled at him, he looked about as eager as if he was waiting for his lobster in London's finest restaurants, and no doubt he would claim it tasted like strawberries when it came to the table.

"What is it with you and strawberries anyway?" He asked. Funny, all those years, and he had never thought to ask Alec why he had picked strawberries, and not something else. What was so special about the red fruit, for Alec was a lethal danger to them when he got going.

Alec was silent for a moment, and James was afraid that he had asked the one thing that he could not know himself, and that it would sink his mood again. His friend looked thoughtful, as if he was striving to remember, the he touched thumb and forefinger to his lips as if he was actually devouring the fruit.

"It was, at the orphanage. There was an old lady down the street, she had some growing in her back yard, I wandered what it was, and she allowed me to pick a few." Alec spoke with a distant voice, as if he was far back in time seining it. "Funny, I don't think I ever thought about it, but I think that was the first time I had strawberries."

"Love at first bite?" James suggested, trying to cheer his mode with a joke.

"Yeah." Alec chuckled. "I loved them sure enough. I think we could get them at the boarding school at times, deserts in the summer time. I'd try to beg more from the others."

James laughed as he took out the now ready food, an adolescent Alec trying to charm others into giving him their deserts, that was a funny image. He had the silver tongue that would allow him to succeed with it, so James did not doubt he had been successful.

He himself had always thought that it was a nice enough fruit, but nothing special. Of course, after he lost Alec he had barely been able to stand them. Maybe now that he had Alec back he would come to like it more.

He turned on the telly as they sank down to eat their food. There was nothing good on, but given what they ate it seemed appropriate. At least Alec seemed more relaxed now.

"How do you suppose it will work?" He asked James as he leaned back against the sofa.

"Not sure." James tried to imagine how they would be thinking. "I guess they don't want you to be on all the parts of the training, and at those times it will be the memory therapy, and you'll be staying with me then." It seemed the most likely.

Alec nodded. "Should be okay." He braved a laugh. "At least I know a thing or two of what is to come, should make it easier this time."

"Yeah." James nodded, he was not looking forward to it. Alec would be sent to the training, and when would James see him again. What if they sent him on another mission, where would they put Alec then? He could ask Moneypenny to keep an eye on anything that concerned Alec, but there was no guarantee for anything.

"We've pulled through worse James." Alec was getting tiered, but he was also comfortable. "Especially now." A small smile that James returned. "I don't think they can send me away and lock me up under a pretence." He snorted disgustedly. "I practically begged them to and they would not. So I doubt that they would now." He turned his head to the side so that he meet James' eye. "I'm gonna be back James, and I don't really care if it's the same bad guys, but the bad guys out there had better watch out. Cause I'm not gonna be sitting still waiting for them."

Once more this evening James felt his throat tightening, but this time it was a more pleasant feeling. It was not just a glimpse of his old Alec sitting beside him, it was his old Alec.

"We'll get them." He agreed. "We'll get them good Alec"

_TBC_

_Please review, the Cricket is hungry_


	13. Chapter 13

Authors Note: This is my longer story about James Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Green Eyes, Golden Heart. The title is to reflect the name of the movie, but also how so many women seems to like Alec's green eyes. This is partially based on my one shots, or rather they provide a background for this, and so, many things that are just mentioned briefly here, is written in full in them.

Very big thanks goes to Earendil Eldar for beta work.

Disclaimer: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other James Bond related item or person. I have only borrowed the characters and will return them. Not even making any serious attempt at kidnapping Alec, and as I have gotten some special glue form Q, he shall appear utterly unharmed.

_**Green Eyes and Golden Heart**_

_**Chapter 13**_

Something's never changed James mused as he stepped closer to Alec to straighten his tie out. What was it with him and his inability to get the bloody thing straight on his own. He was not sure if he had ever seen Alec pull that off, and yet it was so simple that anyone should be able to do it, even a child, but not Alec.

So ignoring his scowl James stepped up to him and straightened it for him.

"You know, I am familiar with ties." Alec claimed, even as he stood still and allowed James to have his fun. Really, the man had an obsession with straightening ties, and it was not limited to his own either.

"But not with how to tie them straight." James grinned. "You'll never learn."

"You're obsessed about it." Alec fired back.

"And your about to be late." James laughed as Alec's head snapped up and he looked around as if the bell was about to strike.

"You bastard." Alec aimed a punch at him, one James deftly avoided by stepping to the side.

The evaluation had cleared Alec, he was a no greater risk than anyone else they claimed. There was no immediate threat of him breaking down. James could have told them that. The second attempt to get at Alec had rather not turned out the way they had planned it to. Alec did not let them carry him off anywhere. Instead he proved why he and James had been the best.

James almost felt sorry for them, all off them agents that had come in after Alec went missing, none of them had double oh status, but a few of them had seemed to be bright enough for it. However no one approved of the methods they had been using. Alec had proved himself, and even if pretty much everyone was still weary about him they were no longer hostile.

James was willing to settle for that, and Alec was thrilled to be allowed back.

Not active yet, or rather, not active field agent just yet. Desk job to start with. He was working with James again, and it was the first day back. To Alec nothing could have been more wonderful.

He was enjoying every second of it as he walked up to Moneypenny's desk to get his orders for the day.

His file was a lot thicker now, that was for sure, but that did not bother him all that much. He had seen all of the stuff they had given James and O'Moore to go through. There had been a lot of things there. Some of it enough to make the two hardened agents feel sick. They had not wanted Alec to go over any of the material. Because James was afraid of what it would do to Alec to see some of it. Yet he knew that James had filched some things away, made copies of some of it even if he should not. Photos, and some reports, he was not sure. James had not admitted that he had done it yet.

Most likely he was waiting for it to calm down a bit before he admitted it. Alec was not going to press him about it just yet. He had taken one look at it, there was one thing that he had to find out, how he got his scar.

He had sneaked into the study where James kept it, and had looked through that folder.

The only other thing he recalled from that night was how James had comforted him. It was sickening to find out what had been done to you. So James did not want him to find out anything about the rest of it. Hardly surprising. Maybe all of it was not bad, but he was not sure. Maybe in some years he would be going over it, he was not sure. It worked pretty well as it was now. He had moved in with James. Even if neither of them had said as much.

Alec just moved in, or rather, just never got a place of his own. As far as he could tell James did not mind, and he rather liked it that way. It was rather hard to build up a life again after having been seen as dead for so many years. He had not been to the memorial wall, he did not know if his star was still there or not. He did not want to know.

Maybe there was a star there, marked by the fingers that had brushed against it so often, maybe not, but Alec avoided it.

Still now he wanted to focus on more brighter things, of being back.

He grinned at Moneypenny.

"Alec. You look really nice today." She smiled warmly as she saw him. Alec did look his best as far as she was concerned. Green eyes sparkling mirthfully, Smartly dressed in a nice suit and his tie perfectly straight, not like James' which was the tiniest bit wry. He wore that boyish lopsided smile that she loved about him. In more ways than physical appearance he looked the best he had since he came back. She could just imagine how that golden heart of his was thumping with joy and pride, it was one of the things that had earned him the name of lady's man. When Alec was happy he radiated that feeling around him. She wanted to keep this image of him in her mind, always.

Nothing could ever be more beautiful. Even James looked good, a half step behind Alec. Protectively, yet he too was grinning that way that shoved of a boyish charm. Not quite like Alec, but not to far from it either. It was one of the things that made them so suited to each others.

"Agents Double-Ooh-Seven and Double-Ooh-Six. Reporting for duty." James beamed as he leaned against her desk. "I finally got my School boy back to work with me."

"I think it'll have to be Double-Ooh-Seven and Playboy-twin-two at the moment thought." Alec frowned. "I doubt I will be allowed my Double-Ooh status back first week."

"Not quite the first week, but I refuse to have an agent whom is officially referred to as _Playboy-twin_ on my staff." M declared from the door to her office. "Not to mention that should anyone be referred to as such, it would be Bond."

Alec smiled, was there finally an M who could take the playboy twin as a joke, and not deadly serious. Even if it was not the case, seeing as how he already had desk duty, what kind of punishment could she give him? "Actually, he's Playboy-twin number one, while I am number two." He declared with a smile. Meeting her eye as he spoke.

The joke was not quite appropriate, but it was not so bad that she could not accept it. Also, she knew all about it from before. If you listened to corridor gossip, it was one of the first things you heard about those two. She also knew that Trevelyan had once gotten into trouble for reporting under that name. Interesting that so many thought her the worst M, and still he, dared to make a joke to her face, even thought she had learnt he was normally apprehensive about anyone in charge.

Well, she would let him get away with it, partially because it was good to see him so at ease, partially because on some level she liked him, and partially because it would grate on Bond how his partner could get away with something he himself could not.

"Quite so Mr Trevelyan. And it seems to be what he thinks he is." She nodded. "I trust you will show him the proper way for an agent of his status to behave."

Alec smiled and nodded. It was quite successful, apparently Trevelyan knew something that Bond did not, when to end the joke.

She took a breath. "I can not give you your Double-Ooh status back at the moment. Not yet anyway. We shall see what happens. If all works out, you'll be an active field agent sooner than you might think. You will after all be teaming up with James, so when he goes out, you go out. If that goes well, you should get your status back." She allowed him to know that. He was a good agent, and he would work harder knowing that he was trusted.

"Thank you." Alec nodded and gave her a warm smile.

"Good luck." She reached out her hand to shake his, it was to be admired the way he had overcome everything. She had studied the full report from the evaluation closely. How they stated that it should not be impossible for someone to be trusted after that kind of experience, and yet they spoke in favour of trusting him.

Alec would be going with James, and James would make sure that he made it.

She went back into her office to allow them a few minutes before they started the day. Behind her she heard Trevelyan point out to Bond that he had been right, and that it was Playboy-twin that was his designation at the moment. She would have to make sure he got back his old status fast before that name really stuck with him.

Moneypenny laughed happily at Alec's joke. James looked as if he could not believe how he had pulled it off. Alec was grinning happily as if he did not have a care in the world at the moment. She would change that. Once in her life she had made a mistake. She had been waiting for the one man she wanted to make the move when he was ready to, but he never would. It was just one of those things that you sometimes just knew.

James saw her as his to win, and as long as he did that Alec would never even make a serious move, because there was just no way he was willing to step in on James territory. Especially not now when he considered himself owing James such a debt.

Alec was to gentle and to caring for that. She was however not going to wait until she lost him again, James be damned, but if he could not see that Alec as the winner, she would take him to task.

"You two boys gonna celebrate tonight?" She asked.

"Promised him I'd buy him a pint if we managed this." Alec gave a guilty smile.

"You're the one who did it." She stated with a smile. "I know better than to intrude on the boys celebration, but I could see buying you one later."

Both of them looked at her, Alec, as if he did not quite know what to say, James as if he was clueless about what was going on.

"How about tomorrow Alec, if you two do not have any plans."

"I don't think we do." Alec said carefully, glancing at James this was a new situation, one that he had no memory of. What more, it was not just his memory, it seemed James could not remember anything like it either.

"Good." She smiled at him, tried not to laugh over his baffled expression. So there was one way to make both of them lost their compassion at the same time. "I want to go out with you Alec." She stated, it was that or let the lad stand there and look as if he was one bulb short of a pub sign.

"Why?" He asked.

She almost felt sorry for him, did he even know what it looked like when a women expressed a desire for him, and not for one night, but for more than that. Had he ever even seen that.

"I don't believe in making the same mistake twice." She stated.

James looked between them, and if Alec was missing a bulb, he had mislaid a dozen. "You want Alec?" He asked.

She nodded, so one of them understood. Apparently James was quicker to understand defeat than Alec was to see a victory.

"Wait." Alec shook his head. "Me? But, what about James." Now he was the one who looked between them. "If you're saying what I think you're saying, then why? I mean, one of the first things I recalled was that no matter what James tried, it never worked."

"I never wanted James." Moneypenny said softly with an apologetic smile at James. "I wanted you Alec, but I did not want to make you feel as if you were taking what was James, so I never said anything. I'm not gonna make that mistake twice."

James turned to face Alec. "So this what I get for taking on you." He said with mock anger. "I knew first I saw you that you'd be trouble." Then he turned to Moneypenny. "And I knew first time I saw the two of you together that I was doomed if you preferred blondes."

At that moment he won some hard earned respect from Moneypenny. She doubted he would stop his flirting, but he did step aside.

"Seems you won this won Alec, enjoy yourself."

"What's going on here?" Alec gave James a pleading look, and James draped an arm around his shoulder.

"What's going on here Alec, is that Moneypenny has informed us that there is no way she shall ever be mine, because she has been yours all along." He dropped his arm from Alec's shoulders. Of course the younger man could not comprehend it, his only brush with real love ever had been a disaster. Not to mention how James had always claimed Moneypenny for himself, Alec had never tried, and James had never thought that she might want his partner if not him. Now he put his hands on Alec's shoulders and looked him in the eye at arms length. "She prefers blonds I guess, odd, but there you have it." He brushed against the scar on Alec's cheek, the one he hated to see, but it also was a reminder of how Alec was still so innocent and naïve at times. He guessed that he would always be the same there.

Then he spun Alec around slowly by his shoulders and pointed him in Moneypenny's direction.

"Bring him back to me when you are done with him." He said softly as he left Alec there and headed to their office.

Tonight Alec was his, and only his. He grinned to himself. After this shell shock the lad would need it as well. He chuckled to himself, it was an interesting turn of events, to think that she had been after Alec much the same way he was after her. It certainly explained her coldness after Alec went missing.

Some women had gone after Alec because they thought he was as close to James as they would ever get, but Moneypenny was not like them, if she could not get the man she wanted, she was not about to settle for second best, and this time, second best had been James.

An interesting turn of events indeed.

James looked up from the paper he had been pretending to study as the door to the office opened. Alec came in, and James then knew that it was possible to get him more confused than he had ever believed. Even if it took a very feisty women to declare her love for him.

"Close the door Alec." He stated, there was no way Alec recalled to do that on his own, given how he still looked quite shell chocked.

"We really should have expected something like this." James pointed out. "I mean, the way she always refused me, and the way she was always on me about keeping you safe."

"You, you don't mind?" Alec asked.

James shook his head. "I should I guess, but I don't. I'm still gonna flirt with her, mind." James gave a laugh. "Been doing that for so long I could not figure out how to get past her if I did not stop and flirt. But you won her fair and square, so no, I don't mind."

Alec nodded, James laughed and Alec glared at him. Well, he just could not help it, this was after all the same Alec that never seemed to be the slightest surprised over the turn things took out on missions. He had done well through the training exercises they put him through. Very well, he was not in the best physical form, but Alec found ways. Yet now, he was still trying to regain his compassion. First day back on official duty, and James doubted he would really get anything done.

Then Alec shook his head and put it aside for later. He could worry about it later, not now. Besides, from what he had understood there was nothing to worry about. All was as it should be.

There was no way of mistaking it, the whole base was aware of the fact that Alec was back, James decided. There was always whispers in the corridors, but now the walls fair vibrated with them. A few, O'Moore and Q, came to congratulate him. That was hardly surprising, those two had always been looking after him.

Strange to think that Moneypenny had been doing that as well. He wondered if anyone had ever seen that, and what would come of it. Could Alec trust love enough to stay with one girl? He was trusting, he was a very trusting little lad, but it was true that Alec had believed himself to be in love once. Had he just been dumped then it would not have bothered him to much, but it had been a women sent out to snare Alec and then target James.

It had failed, because there was no way to set Alec against James, but it had been a disaster for Alec where love was concerned.

James did not doubt that he trusted Moneypenny, but did he trust himself? He would have to keep an eye on how that developed, and step in and put the younger man to rights if he could not get there on his own.

He had even won some more respect for Moneypenny on another level he decided as he accepted the first pint from Alec's hand. Given that they had to be back in the office in the morning, it was not to be a late night, but they could certainly say that they had deserved a few pints.

Alec took a long draught from his glass, a look of pure bliss on his face."

"Strawberry ale, now that's just a disgusting thought." James said in an offensive voice.

"Strawberry ale?" Alec snorted. "Why ever would you want that?"

"When you have that look on your face, you're always claiming stuff tastes like strawberries." James elaborated. "And strawberry ale would be just disgusting."

Alec nodded. "Thought maybe," he started, and then he ducked as James made a mock swing at him. "No, I agree with you, it would be horrid." He laughed.

"It shall be interesting to see Moneypenny's reaction when she finds out about your strawberry obsession." James grinned.

"She already knows." Alec offered a guilty smile. "She came with some papers once when I were eating them."

"Poor girl, she does not know what she's getting into." James shook his head.

"I think she has a better idea of it then I do." Alec admitted with a wry smile. "Really James, I had no bloody idea, I've never had any bloody idea. I thought she was sweet on someone else, that she had a man off base, or that she was just not interested in an agent." He took a swig of his ale while trying to sort his thoughts into order. "I mean, we all know that agents don't always come back, and I guessed she was just not willing to risk that, and then she says she wants me, and she already knows what happens if I don't come back."

"She does, and I think that's why she told you." James said thought fully. "She probably thinks it was worse to not have said it." Then a thought struck him. "Do you like her Alec?" He was not even sure if Alec had ever been interested in her.

"I guess." Alec shrugged. "Never thought about it that way, but I do like her."

"She'll take it from there." James laughed. "Trust me Alec, she knows what she wants, and I think she has a pretty good idea of how to get it."

Alec did not doubt that. Moneypenny was someone to be reckoned with, in more ways than people thought. She was not the ordinary secretary, she was much more than that. It was not a good thing to underestimate her.

"I think I get along better with this M, than with some of the others." He said to change the subject.

"You're the only one then." James grunted. "She's the worst one ever, really."

Alec raised his eyebrows and gave him a lopsided grin while he leaned back confidently. "Maybe that's just because you don't know how to handle her." He suggested.

"Oh, yeah. You're right on Alec." James snorted again. "You couldn't be further from in fact. There is no way to handle her, she let you get away with that joke because she wanted it to great at me that you did."

"Maybe." Alec shrugged. "But I know a certain M, that would never have allowed me to even make the first half of it."

"Point." James drained his glass and noted that they both wanted a new one. "Still, you shouldn't get the idea that you will be able to get away with it every time." He shook his head. "We've got a women there trying to prove that she's as much a man as we are."

"Times are changing." Alec frowned. "They can do that now. "

"I don't think I like it." James gave a nod of thanks as two fresh pints were set before them.

"Me neither." Alec gave him a serious look and a small smile. "Makes it bloody hard to know what you're supposed to be doing. You can't think you have to protect them anymore, because then you are an old fossil who should know they can protect themselves. You can't hit them, because then you're a women beater. If you let them do what they please, and they get a bump from life, then you're a sadist and I don't know what." He shook his head ruefully. "Seriously, those feminists are going to far, if they could just decide I'd not have anything against them."

"I agree." James did agree, it seemed like the only thing they were after was being able to blame the men afterwards.

"Moneypenny's not like that." He declared.

"Or I wouldn't have stopped running yet." Alec grinned. "Though, she may be one of those, 'I don't need a man to protect me.'"

"I don't think she does." James pointed out. He had a feeling that if she got involved with Alec, she'd need it even less, seeing as how he was bound to teach her even more forms of self defence. Still, Alec was not the one who could allow a woman to protect herself, not if he was there. He was so used to always protecting.

"If she had been a feminist, she'd have turned you in for sexual harassment long since." Alec pointed out grinning.

"She's threatened with it a few times." James admitted with a guilty grin, and Alec laughed as it turned on his boyish charm, as some called it.

"I bet, but I think she enjoyed giving you the cold hand every time." He shook his head. "She, she's not like all those other women on the base. I don't think she's to upset about it as such. I mean, Moneypenny is tough, she can take care of herself around males, and I think she could put you in place did she want to. Verbally, she just seems to prefer not to."

James though how Moneypenny might be using it as an ace up her sleeve, but he did not say that. Moneypenny had gotten the better of him a few times, and James thought she enjoyed the challenge.

"We shall see how fun you think it is when she puts you in your place." He stated. She could do that, but he doubted she would. At least not at first. It would be some time yet when they were both afraid of hurting him. He guessed they were a little over protective at that. Who would blame them.

Even the strongest material can brake, and Alec had already been dented.

"Relax James." Alec tilted his head back to drain the last in his glass, they ought to be going back. It was not a good idea to drink to much. At least not in the middle of the week, the beginning of the week. So he decided against ordering one more round.

James nodded as Alec set down the empty glass on the table.

"Where do you plan to take her tomorrow?" He asked

"I don't know." Alec shrugged. "Where do you take a real woman?" He was used to the kind of women who would not allow themselves to give more than one night to any man. Those you usually picked up in a bar.

"Ask her." James suggested. "I think she knows more about that kind of things than you and I do." He recalled her having said something about being to the theatre once.

"I guess I will have to." Alec admitted. Both were finished and it was time to go so he rose to his feet and waited for James to do the same.

"Relax Alec." James patted his shoulder as he walked past him. He could understand why the younger man was nervous though. It was not every day this kind of things happened. "It's Moneypenny we're talking about here. She's not gonna expect some miracle, I think she'll be happy enough over you."

Alec shrugged, he thought James was right, and he was not really sure how he felt about Moneypenny since it was a new concept. Still, since it was her, because of all she had done for him during the years. He wanted to make it special. She was the one that would tell James off if she though he was taking his teasing to far. She was the one who had always had a kind word for him, and a scolding at times when she thought he had taken to great a risk.

He recalled a lot of times when she had been there when he had gotten hurt on a mission. She had always been there for him, always, and he had appreciate it so much. If for nothing else, he wanted to make it special for her because of that.

The question was how? Jewellery would not be the right thing, the problem was that he did not know what the right thing was. He had never been this nervous about meeting a woman, and it was odd to be so anxious.

James glanced at him and chuckled as he could tell the train of Alec's thoughts. He would drop a line with Moneypenny how nervous Alec was about this, make sure she'd go easy on him. Okay, so it bordered on overprotective, had they not decided that he leaned towards that since getting him back?

"You're giving me those funny looks again." Alec said absently as they walked home.

"Sorry." James gave a guilty shrug as he tried to school his expression into a more neutral look.

"What are you thinking when you look at me that way?" Alec glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Never mind about it." James shrugged, hoping Alec would not pursue the matter.

"You give me one of those really odd looks, and don't want me to ask about why?" Alec asked thoughtfully. "Do you even imagine it'll work."

"I was hoping it would." James admitted.

Alec gave him a look that seemed to hint that he thought James was just a little crazy. "When could I not blame you?" He asked. "And did you ever know me when I was so easily sidetracked."

"No." James admitted, still he was very grateful. Alec was not sidetracked, not the slightest, but neither was he pursuing the subject any more. It was his way of letting it lie, instead of demanding to be told he was teasing instead. It would be more that he could agree to just ignoring it, but he could pretend to. James looked at him, Alec wanted to know, he could tell.

"It's because your finally back." He admitted. "It's strange, really strange."

"Almost like before, eh." Alec looked lazily down the street before crossing. James thought it was lucky for him there was no cars coming from the other direction, the one he was not bothering to look in. He spoke with more certainty now, it was just a small hint of his insecurity when speaking about old times that still showed. No one who did not know him as well as James did would be able to tell.

It was just a trace of it remaining, showing at odd times, when Alec was pondering something, but it was no more than it might be for James. Even he could not recall everything that had happened in his life.

No one did.

"I think it will be just like before." James nodded, glancing down the other way since Alec seemed to be set on only checking the street one way today. He frowned, they always claimed that they worked best as a team, but maybe thinking that they should look one way each was taking it a bit far.

"You're giving me that funny look again." Alec said absently. "If you don't want me to ask about it, you had better stop doing it."

"Sorry." James tried to hide the puzzled look behind an amused frown. "You know Alec, just because there is no cars from one direction does not mean there is no from the other one."

"I figure there is a fifty percent risk of a car for each crossing." Alec sounded utterly unfazed by the statement. "So, two ways and a fifty percent risk means it can only be coming in one direction out of two. I look one way, and the risk is no bigger than twenty five percent."

"Those twenty five could still get you in a spot of trouble." James stated, curious about how far down the scale Alec intended to take the percentage. The guy was pretty good at reasoning down the risk, or make it sound as if he had. He usually did it at other times, but James supposed it worked for this as well.

"It comes from that way, and it'll take you first." Alec gave him a big grin. "Figures that evens out that last twenty five percent, right?"

"You're a bloody bastard Alec." James tried to sound angry, as if Alec would ever have believed he really was. It was just his duty and so he did his best.

"I know, I did learn from you after all, and that twice." Alec pointed an accusing finger at James, choosing to see it from the brightest side he could.

"I never did anything like hoping you'd get hit by a car." James pointed out with a mock scowl.

"No, but I'm pretty sure that you nearly did hit me with one a time or two. Remember that nice piece of machinery that you saw fit to demolish." Alec asked conceding and giving the other direction a quick glance.

"I know which one you mean." James nodded. "You know, I always think I came out the worst out of that trade there."

Alec snorted, as James had known he would. It had been one of the more spectacular crashes of his carer, the car had been a complete wreck, one of the worst he had seen. It had been a close call getting away from it before the whole thing blew. It had been very close, more so than James wanted to think on, because when he escaped the flames he had been dragging Alec bodily from it. It had been close because it had been all he could do to keep Alec alive there.

The crash had been unfortunate, but it had gotten Alec help in time. He had never had any regrets about the outcome of it all. Alec kept brining that up, because he was grateful that James had gotten him out of there. Because he knew how close that had been cut. They were not immortal, they were most certainly not, and Alec was very well aware of just how lucky he had been there.

"That's twenty five percent right there Alec." James stated as he hauled Alec back by his sleeve, frowning because it was not like him to be so caught up in his thinking that he near stepped out into the road, and this time there was cars coming. "You don't watch out, and you'll have to cancel your date for tomorrow." He shook his head and aimed for a tease. "You really that nervous about it Alec."

The younger agent shook his head with a guilty look, very guilty. "I was thinking about that car." He admitted.

"I remember it." He wished he did not. "Moneypenny gave me an earful about not taking better care about you there."

"What?" Alec had never known that. "You saved my sorry hide there."

"She was upset." He could understand that, he had been quite upset himself. Having just been told how close it had been for the lad, did Alec really know? Alec thought he knew, but did he really? He was not sure he had ever been told all the details about it. "So she told me off for getting you into the mess."

"I got myself into it."

James cursed, this was not the mood he wanted Alec in if he was to go with Moneypenny. So the younger man had made a mistake, it was not a critical, James had handled it. Alec was a brilliant young agent at the time, but there was no one who was perfect.

Moneypenny had made a good point that James should have kept a closer eye on the more inexperience agent. He had failed to do that, and Alec had made a mistake, the result was that Alec near died. He could understand why the female friend, and apparently secret admirer as well, had been so upset, he had been just as upset, and he did not want Alec to think about it the way he was doing now.

"Stop looking at me like that." Alec demanded, wondering what was going on that was making James give him all those funny looks.

"Then you stop thinking like that." James demanded.

"You started it." Alec objected.

"You're the one that won't let it go." James pointed out, he was not about to let Alec get out the winner this time. He was not about to give in this time.

"You still started it."

"And it's still your own fault." James laughed patting him on the back. "If you're thinking in the way that sends you right out into a heavy traffic street, you can't expect me not to give you strange looks." He thought it was a rather well made point.

"That was because of all those funny looks you were giving me." Alec objected, stopping just before he stepped out in front of another car.

James shook his head with an exaggerated sigh. "Did no one ever teach you to look both ways before crossing a street Alec, if you keep that up, you won't have to worry about meeting Moneypenny in the morning."

"I'm not worried." Alec made to cross, but thought better of it, where was all those cars coming from anyway?

"Okay, alternate tactics required." James grinned, if he would have to embarrass Alec to get him home he would do it. "Come now here and we will teach you have to do this. You look booth ways, and then if there is no cars, you can cross." As he began the crossing he took Alec's hand, hoping the younger man would find that very embarrassing.

"I know how to cross a street." Alec objected with a few discrete attempts to free his hand. There was not many pedestrians out, but they who were, was looking.

"I'm not letting go until you prove it." He could have laughed, he wanted to laugh, Alec was so distracted he hardly got it right even one time. At least not good enough for James. So what if it made people draw conclusion, it was fun since most of it was directed at Alec anyway. He unlocked the door and grinned at Alec who was glaring at him. Distracted from his previous line of thoughts to say the least.

Oh, Alec was not angry for real, he just made a play out of it, the same way James did. It was not the first time one of them had tried to embarrass the other. He doubted it would be the last time either.

Alec felt nervous when he approached Moneypenny in the morning, was he supposed to say something or not? He was supposed to say something to her, that much he knew, but what? How was he supposed to go about this, and why was he so nervous about this? It did not make sense at all.

He was better than this, he was more experienced than this, he swallowed and tried to prove it.

Moneypenny smiled when she saw how nervous Alec was looking, he was so cute in that manner. He could blush like a schoolboy, and he did.

"Hello Alec, did you have a nice time with James last night?" She asked, he looked as if he did not know what he was supposed to say. Since she was the one who had confused him so, it was only fair she helped him out about it.

"Yes, very nice." He nodded.

"Alec." James hissed in his ear. "You act like a school boy in first grade."

Alec glared at him and cleared his throat. Should he ask her out, but that was silly, she had already done that.

"Alec, there is no expectation for you to meet here." She smiled. "I'd like to go out somewhere nice and eat afterwards, but I don't care if it is a restaurant or a pub. I'm not someone you have to impress here."

It was a really nice to know that, he appreciated it. "So, as soon as we are done here?" He asked.

"Sounds perfect to me." She smiled. "And James, you don't behave yourself and you'll have to answer to me. Just so that you know."

James grinned over his shoulder as he prepared to leave. "Really, Moneypenny, have some faith in me." Still grinning he draped an arm over Alec's shoulders. Let her think he was up to some teasing with his friend. She would get worked up over it, and he would be enjoying himself without having to use so many words to tease Alec.

"James, funny looks again, stop it." Alec demanded. What was he up to anyway with all those weird looks.

"You're to suspicious." James complained.

"No, with you, there is nothing such as to suspicious." Alec objected. "I know you to well for that. I also know you are using me to get to her at the moment."

James was guilty of charge, and there was no use trying to deny it where Alec was concerned, so instead he tried a disarmingly smile.

"Do you mind?" He asked and Alec laughed.

"Not as much as I am sure she will." He grinned back at James. "Playing with fire here James." It was true, as far as he knew it was true.

"Yeah, but I figure I am safe at the moment. She needs me to baby sit you."

"Baby sit." Alec stopped with his hand on the doorknob to their office. "You bloody bastard." Then he turned around. "Hey, that's what you said at first, when I joined up here."

"And I still say it." James stepped in and pushed the door open. "The only thing that has changed is that I don't mind anymore."

Alec snorted, that was James for you, always trying to sound as if you could not get along without him.

He was nervous when he approached Moneypenny's desk at the end of the days work. Damn nervous. He looked at her as he came closer. It was odd, had he ever looked at her that way before? He was not sure. He did now however, and he quite enjoyed it.

"I'll be ready in a moment Alec." She said without looking up, she had long since learnt how to tell most of them of them apart from how they approached. It was not as hard as some would think.

"Okay." Alec nodded, remaining where he was, watching while Moneypenny cleared of her desk and stacked away all the papers and everything. She was efficient, but then again in her line of work, it was very important. It forced him and James to try and be at least half as efficient as well. Even if the two of them did it more grudgingly.

She stood up and grabbed her coat, smiling at him.

"Ready to go?" She asked him and Alec nodded. For once he would allow the girl to take the lead. She knew what she anted and he did not. He stepped up close to her and walked at her side.

"How about we go to a pub for a glass?" She asked knowing it was the kind of place he favoured. She knew enough of Alec's and James's exploits to know as much.

He nodded gratefully, it could be really nice. Though he had not known she would enjoy it, for being considered to be her friend, he did not know anything about what she enjoyed doing of work. To his defence it had always been a work relationship, and if nothing else, he could always blame it on the amnesia he supposed.

Not that there would be any need. Moneypenny was not the one to get upset about that.

He was enjoying himself very much, more than he usually did. He was enjoying himself very much, even so much that he was not nervous anymore. He was not sure why he had been nervous to start with. It was nothing special. Or on second thought it was, very special.

James looked up as Alec came in through the door, it was not even late. He had been set on waiting up, but there had been no need for waiting. He would have thought that he would have been out longer.

"I would ask if you enjoyed yourself, but I can see that grin." He chuckled.

Alec nodded a bit guiltily, there was no way to deny that he had been having a great time.

"Still, I can't understand why you are home so early unless she tiered of you." James mocked.

"No, but you go out with the one who times you in, in the mornings, and she insists on avoiding late nights." Alec grinned.

He dropped down in the sofa. "You wouldn't believe it James, I never thought Moneypenny could be like that, but she's just wonderful." Then he became silent, feeling just a big guilty because James had always been trying to pick her up.

"And to wise to fall for my seduction." James said sitting down beside him. "She knows what she wants, and I can't give her that. She wants to know that she can relay on a man, that he will always be there for her."

Alec turned to look at him. "But how could I do that if I am out on a mission?"

James sighed, Alec was an adult, but he was a novice in matters of love. He had one love experience behind him, no, a love disaster. He knew women liked flowers, but he did not really know why.

"She won't break down just because you're on a mission." He explained. "She knows your job Alec, she's very well aware of what you'll be doing, but she wants to know that when you come back, she will still matter. She couldn't trust me not to fall for someone else's charm, but she can trust you. Listen, I absolutely refuse to tell you about the birds and the bees here, but I'll try to explain this."

Alec nodded his agreement to the terms, so James went on.

James drew a deep breath before starting. "Okay, if I brought her flowers, she'd know I wanted something, and I would be wanting something. You on the other hand, would do it with only her in mind, it would not be a selfish action with you, and it would with me. If it was necessary for a mission you would sleep with another women, I would enjoy it. That is the kind of things she wants to know."

"And you claim you don't understand women." Alec said in an accusing tone.

James chuckled. "I know what they want, but I don't understand them, why they want it? You do Alec, even if you don't think about it. You always seem to know what to do and say to make them feel better. That is one of the reasons she wants you."

Alec nodded thoughtfully, most of it made sense, at least enough for him. He knew about subtle touches, but he did not know that he knew when and how to employ them. There was really only one thing he wanted to know at the moment.

"What does birds and bees have to do with any of it?" He asked, frowning and tilting his head to the side.

James mouth dropped open with surprise, he had not known Alec was _that_ innocent, but he was not joking, really he was not joking. "No one taught you about the birds and the bees?" He asked, not willing to believe it.

Alec shook his head, and James stared at him. "Ask Moneypenny." He managed. "You're her responsibility now, it's only fair she gets to be the one to tell you." That would be something to see. Oh, Alec was so very innocent. He had not even figured that part out. He really wanted to see what would happen. "In fact, you can do it when we go to check in, in the morning."

"With other words, you'll be standing laughing yourself sick." Alec stated. "I'll pass. It's not really my fault either you know. I take it is a thing that most learn from their parents."

James nodded, it was, he was just surprised Alec had never heard about the expression before. He doubted anyone would sit down with the kids at the orphanage for that sort of things, but he had thought he would have heard about it somewhere. Though maybe he had, only he had not been paying attention to it at the time.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" James asked. He was happy for Alec, really, and he did not mind him with Moneypenny. Not as much as most would think. It was just that Alec was _his_ friend, and he was a little afraid Alec would suddenly only have time for her. He had seen enough men put on a collar and a leash when they got girls. He would hate it if Alec did that. He would really hate that.

"I don't have a plan for tonight." Alec shrugged. "You don't have to worry just yet James."

Like if it would be humanly possible not to worry about him, James thought.

"I'm just worried you'd take off marrying her already next week or something." James admitted. "Maybe I'm possessive about you, I don't know. I don't really mind sharing with her, but I want to know I can always get my fair share."

Alec snorted. "You talk as if I was some inmate object you own." He shook his head a little. "And you are possessive, but I guess you have right to it. I promise I won't go marrying next week or anything. It's not gonna change for a very long time."

"Thanks." James smiled at him, then looked down at his desk. "We should probably get started on this now." How he hated paperwork.

"I think you're right." Alec admitted, then his face lit up as he came to a decision. "Lets clear it away fast and then go out for some lunch."

"Good thinking." James grinned as he started on his share.

It would take time before Alec was ready to continue his life on his own, before he was ready to include Moneypenny in it every day. Yet he had come a long while in a short time, he was getting back to his old self more and more. Their relationship was closer to what it used to be in stead of him simply taking care of Alec. The man had suffered betrayals, the loss of hope and the loss of his earlier life but he was the kind of man who never could stop fighting and so he struggled on and bit for bit reclaimed what had been his, and, he had to admit, a little extra beside it if one considered Moneypenny.

Thinking of her he wondered if he could ever truly stop flirting with her, even if he knew she belonged to Alec, but he thought also that it did not matter. It was the way his relationship with her was, and both of them knew that. Alec wasn't likely to be offended, if James knew him half as well as he thought he would, he would appreciate the challenge.

Smiling to himself he decided that they had finally reached the point where what had happened was past them, and they only had to look towards what was in front of them…

The End

My humblest apologies that the end was so long in coming. I fear at times my ambition for this story was bigger than my ability and I was afraid it would fall short of standard. Huge thanks to all of you who has stayed with it to the end.

Kindest Regards, the Cricket.


End file.
